“I'm generally happier when I'm not looking at him.”
“The man could slit jugulars like no other.”
“أردت أن الحق ثم قتله ، ولكن قيل لي ان ننتظر منتصف الليل.”
“I was out of a job again. Maybe I should finish high school.”
“I thought he was pretty funny.”
“I've worked with the man going on four years now and not once have I seen him go into a restroom. ”
Tom Oxnard James Tyler Marchand Bergeron (May 6, 1955-August 3, 2004) is now dead (killed by terrorists in Munchen, Germany as explained in "The Fall of the Burgeron".) He was a so called "host" of the television show America's Funniest Home Videos, said to be the second worst show in the history of television following America's widest driveways.
He was a very mentally unstable child. Some say he was a comedian, while this topic is widely debated. His nicknames were The Bergeron, the IceBerg, NardDogg, Jabba the Berg,, Mr. Tumnus, Goku, Tyler Marchand, Lord Rupert Everton, Mr. Bergeron, or just Tom. He enjoyed long strolls with his dog Sparkplug (who died in a massive dog orgy off the coast of Uruguay, devastating Tom), and he enjoyed large liters of beer (he became an alcoholic after his dog died).
Tom's enemies included:
- The Russian women's gymnastic olympic coach by the name of Bela Karolyi.
- After a while the Hamburglar and Captain Crook (widely known pirate who had a gay attraction to parrots. They got into a fight over a parrot right before he left for Iraq).
- Tyler Marchand
- Bob Saget (Tom and Bob got into six epic battles, now known as the Burger-sag Affair).
- The Wal-mart employees at the front of the store that hand out stickers.
- Catholic Nuns.
- Second cousin and Saturday Night Live alum Chris Parnell.
His Younger Years
Tom was born in Germany to a family of templars. He was a very rebellious boy, who fought the power and ate whatever he wanted. He had a problem with chronic masturbation throughout his childhood, and he was sexually abused by locals during his younger years (5-8). His dad was a alcoholic and child abuser. His priest was a pedophile that made Tom dress up like Shirley Temple before raping him and after it was time for bed and he fell asleep his mother (a hardcore speed user that was the presiding leader of a drug ring) would come in and try to strangle him profusely until she passed out from the drugs she was on thirty seconds in to it. So once he told his lehrer (teacher) about his abusive elders so the lehrer called the police (after sexually abusing Tom). The police took the priest, his dad, his mom, Uncle O'Grimacely, the US Russian gymnast coach and later the teacher and imprisoned all of them. The Government of Deutschland thought it would be best to send him to a different area. Therefore, the Government officials got drunk and threw darts at a map. The U.S. was "selected". At 8 years old, he got to Ellis Island with the pilgrims (the pilgrims actually came to America in the Juneflower [the actual name of the "Mayflower"] in 1963, not in 1661) and was sent to Hollywood because he "had a very charismatic and provocative mood to him. I kinda wanted to do him." said his probation officer.
Around the age of 20, Tom became very interested in bees. He loved them and this led to his first job as a beekeeper for the CBA (Californickun Beekeeper Association). He was stung about thirty thousand times throughout his career of 2 and a half years, due to his ignorance of beekeeping safety. Tom would go out to the bee hives without his suit on and wouldn't even smoke the bees first. He was hospitalized about five times. Speaking of which, this was around the time when the Bergeron Gate scandal (not related to the Watergate Scandal or kittens) occurred. During his stays, he would steal several things ranging from scalpels to cottonswabs from his hospital. Throughout his hospital visits he stole 50 lbs of cottonswabs, 32 scapels, 87 packages of fruity jello, 25 pounds of gauze, and 100 tons of machinery (such as MRI machines, X-ray machines, catscan machines, and sonography machines). This put him in jail for 7 years, but he was released early for good behavior. During his time in jail, Tom became friends with the Hamburglar and Captain Crook (who were finally captured by that over sized hamburger head of a sheriff officer, Big Mac).
The McDonald's Raids
During the two years immediately following Tom's release, he went on thousands of raids with the Hamburglar and Captain Crook. (Captain Crook eventually McKilled himself because he couldn't take the guilt of drowning a mentally handicapped employee in grease). They traveled from McDonald's to McDonald's, killing all the employees and destroying all the statues of Ronald McDonald.
His Rise to Fame or Sort of Fame
Once, when Tom was robbing a store, he ran into Vin Di Bona at a McDonald's in Oxnard. He too thought that Mr. Bergeron had a fantastic charisma so he offered him a deal. If Tom would host his new show, then Vin would help him get out of jail (it has yet be explained how Tom managed to rob a store while in jail, but who the fuck cares). So The Burgeron replaced the recently-murdered Bob Saget and America's Funniest Home Videos became a national phenomenon throughout the country. From then on, he hosted the show with his poorly written jokes and his creepy smile. People began to love him. His adventure in Iraq, however, ended his career, popularity, and life.
The Fall of The Bergeron
Even though this is the most epic event ever recorded by man, the smart people refuse to put it in textbooks. Well, this is how it goes. Bergeron decided to try new things like going to different countries and getting funnier videos. Doing so, he went to Iraq and got hilarious videos of citizens stepping on mines (see asplode). He searched throughout the country trying to find better and better videos. Somehow he got himself into a pickle when he found a video tape of a terrorist meeting. He tried to stop them (by telling jokes, of course), but it was too late (and he didn't know the number of 911 in Iraq). He began to run but everywhere he turned there were what seemed like terrorists to him (you can never tell). So he jumped into a Hum-V and rode to what seemed like a bar (because of him being an alcoholic and that the Liquor did so much for him). He went inside but it turned out to be the place where the video was filmed. He never had a chance. He fought a good fight, but he got his ass kicked. Tom was bound and gagged, and then he was made into a scare tape that was later sent to the U.S., which George Bush never watched because he was too busy doing nothing.
It was never released to the public that Tom was killed (you can't say he was assassinated because he wasn't important). Today, people still believe that America's Funniest Home Videos is hosted by Tom Bergeron, but it is really a hologram voiced by Tom Brady.
“F**k Tom Brady”
Steps to Become The Burgeron
- You must say stupid jokes while watching terrible videos.
- You must drink a full bottle of frozen molasses.
- You must run three times around your neighbor or 9 blocks, whichever comes first.
- You must know the anatomy of a African Salamander.
- You must be able to memorize and recite "The Raven" by Edgar Allan Poe.
- You must be able to shoot a bird 100 yards away with a flaming arrow.
- You must be agile enough to maneuver out of the way of a semi while tied to a flag pole.
- You must be able to jump on to a flying helicopter six feet in the air. TIP: Avoid the blades.
- You must jump off a 40 foot cliff connected to a 50 foot bungie cord. If you survive, you can skip step 10.
- You must be able to recite the French alphabet submerged in barracuda-infested water while being beaten profusely with a baseball bat. No blacking out!
The Burger-sag Affair
The First Battle
While not openly admitted by the media, Tom and Bob Saget were mortal enemies, constantly fighting over who's stale jokes could make more people die. During their rivalry, six epic battles broke out between them. The first was a mere bar fight, but it was fought at the speed of light and not noticed by most bystanders. "Beer and stuff just started flying everywhere," says one witness. "I wasn't sure what it was, but I was drunk, so... (laughs) I guess I'm usually drunk anyways." The fight left the bar ravaged and three woman pregnant.
The Second Battle
The second battle was fought on the Statue of Liberty. The two men flew around the huge statue shooting lightning at each other, occasionally missing and eventually killing 12,000 bystanders. The incident was dismissed by the president as "those damn aliens."
The Third Battle
The third, fourth, fifth, and sixth battle were actually just one fight, but it was so long that it had to be split into four episodes. While no one actually saw this battle, Bob Saget confirms its existence.
“Yeah, it happened, and it was f*****g incredible. You should've been there.”
“It was sexy”
The Tom Bergeron/9/11 Connection
Some people believe that Tom Bergeron caused 9/11. A common theory is that while a couple of terrorists were searching for porn on DirecTV, they stumbled upon America's Funniest Home Videos. After hearing one of his gut-wrenching jokes, they just wanted to kill everything related to Mr. Begeron and the country he lived in. Point your fingers at him now.