TomTom

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article very remotely related to TomTom.
TomTom

“He showed me the way to Reading Gaol”
~ Oscar Wilde on TomTom

“Stop bloody telling me to turn left!”
~ Random Traveller on TomTom
“I pity the TomTomFool!”
~ Mr. T on TomTom

TomTom (not DougDoug) is a blond-haired 8 year old (and has been for about 20 years now) who, after rescuing his sweetheart (also still 8 years old 20 years later), saving his country and changing himself back into a human after a particular nasty curse, now runs a successful navigation business, due to his knowing where everything is.

edit Early life

TomTom traveled extensively in his early years, taking in the scenery from such places as Monster Land, Monster World and Monster Truck Stadium, while rescuing his girlfriend, saving his country from big metal dragons, turning himself back into a human after the big metal dragon died, and them just traveling around on a floating platform (because he could). You Found a secret!

edit TomTom's SatNav

Because of all his early traveling, TomTom has been to every single location in the entire universe, and knows where everything is. Realising that he could make lots of money out of this (the whole 'killing monsters for gold' thing was getting old), he set up a business getting people from A to B (if he was feeling like a laugh, he'd send them via C, D, E and F while he was at it).

Two-way walkie-talkies called TomTom SatNavs (because TomTom is sat down when he gives directions - well would you want to stand up for two hours while you guide some idiot who can't find their way?) allow TomTom to tell people where to go, and are fast becoming popular in cars, motorbikes, bicycles, motorboats, spaceships, submarines and flying whales.

edit Achievements

Because TomTom knows where everything is, he has accomplished many things, listed here:

  • TomTom helped U2 find what they were looking for - iPods!
  • TomTom knows the way to Amarillo
  • When people say 'it is written', only TomTom knows where
  • Only TomTom knows where Carmen Sandiego is
  • TomTom can find the place where the sun doesn't shine. Then again, so can most people if they try
  • TomTom could find Goatse's Hole, but doesn't want to
  • When TomTom goes on walkabout, he finds Jenny Agutter every time
  • TomTom shows drunk people the way to go home
  • TomTom was the original asker of the question 'Where do you want to go today?', before Bill Gates stole it
  • When you use route planning software, it's not advanced path calculation algorithms that work out where to go - the programs sends a quick e-mail to TomTom asking what the directions are
  • TomTom knows where the Holy Grail is - hey, that might explain why he's looked 8 years old for 20 years and counting
  • TomTom knows exactly when and where to expect the Spanish Inquisition, because he always knows where they are
  • Where's Waldo isn't even funny for TomTom
  • Most people know that it's a long way to Tipperary, but only TomTom knows exactly how far
  • TomTom tried to guide Jack Bauer once, but gave up after being told 'THERE IS NO TIME' 3,451 times in 30000000000000000000000000 minutes.
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