Toledo, Ohio

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The breathtaking (if sometimes slightly sagging) skyline of Toledo

Toledo is a small, hellish republic located in Ohio, somewhere north of the North Pole. It sucks ass. No, seriously. The city is flat, located on a large plain. Animals native to the area are the Polock, the Redneck, and the Gangsta. The population can be modelled by the equation y=14.3x^5-4x^2.1, with x in years, never mind the starting point for x. This makes the population somewhere between negative and positive infinity, depending on the value of x. The largest religons of this God forsaken place is Satinism and Nazis. This city however is a democratic stronghold but not because there are smart they just like the picture of the donkey.Another division in Toledo is between the Buckeyes and the Wolverines two warring factions who battle once a year.The victors side get to mock the losing faction constantly till the next battle.

Toledo has modeled its city after big sister Detroit...both of which fail.

History

Toledo was founded during the Great Outhouse convention of 1817, where thousands of outhouse makers converged on the western end of Lake Spooky to test their devices. The resulting stench drove all but the most pathetic away; those that stayed built what is now Toledo. The stench remain there to this very day.

Built on the remnants of the Great Stinky Swamp, Toledo continues to possess one of the most humid and godawful summer climates on the planet. It is pointless to try and change out of a shirt that has stuck to you, because all the rest of your clothes are damp and moldy, as well, when you live in muggy Toledo. Many residents find that a nice roll in the mud is just the ticket to cool off from Toledo's summer heat. Many other residents roll in the mud year-round.

Economy

Toledo's chief industry is in whoopie cushions, condom-making, and mosaics made out of raccoon bones. Every member of this pathetic city has a bipolar personality and lacks the ablity to properly say the word Oregon, but is otherwise stable. The average household income is $12.67, but most of Toledo's citizens can find enough money on streets, etc. to eke out a meager living. The former mayor was Mr. Incapable, a superhero renowned for his ineptitude and lack of initiative. Now, however, the previous mayor, Mayor Steve Leggett, has been re-elected; he his known for erupting in random temper tantrums, maybe because of the ridiculousness of his name, or maybe he needs his ba-ba full of warm milk, and a "bankie" and a nap. Elections take place every 2.6 hours, so keep posted! It does, however, have at least five noteworthy residents, cuber27, Ked, FTD, DKlown. Oh, and Brian Peppers lives not too far away.

Culture

Sports in Toledo is a big thing--there are no less than 17 Minor-League Curling teams, each of which is the best in the nation. The Toledo Symphony performs in the Peristyle at the Toledo Museum of Art, the only thing worth seeing there. Unfortunately, 99.9% of the population giveth not a damn, and the other 50% are illiterate and cannot read, either.

Toledo recently made the national news, when Nazis planned a march, and subsequent riots destroyed the entirety of the city. Except the People's Democratic Republic of East Toledostan which no one cares about anyways. Rebuilding plans are underway but are not likely to be finished with in the next 200 years. However, people still have new Jeeps parked in front of the rubble which used to be their homes.

Remember our motto: "Come, and feel better about your own city!"

According to a recent report by a local news affiliate, Toledo is overrun by hordes of ill-tempered street kittens. Public officals have considered a wide variety of solutions to the crisis, ranging from mandatory kitten huffing to surrender and appeasement of the ruthless kittenlords. At this time tbere is little hope for an end to the crisis, and Toledo native and world renowned crossdresser Jaimie Farr has appealed to the international community to end the Darfuresqe conditions suffered by Toledo's native Pollock tribes.

Trivia

  • Toledo used to be part of Michigan during the late Civil War.
  • Michigan actually went to war with Ohio over Toledo. And this was after already owning Detroit! The war ended when the U.S. government gave Michigan the U.P. which ironically is a much larger wasteland than Toledo. Lucky Ohio got Toledo. To this day historians are conflicted as to who won that war.
  • Residents from the Metro Detroit area can pick up pirated Toledo TV stations from their TV, whether analog or digital. But the Ohio government is jamming the TV stations from Detroit, usually it happens along the Ohio-Michigan state line.
  • All England Dan & John Ford Coley songs are No.1 hit in Toledo!

See also

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