Toilet

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Also called WC, after Winston Churchill, who made frequent use of the toilet during the Blitz.

Whoops! Maybe you were looking for Shithouse?

This article is about the porcelain thing for pissing and shitting into. For other definitions of the term Toilet, see Toilet (disambiguation)

For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Toilet.

“Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time.”

~ Confucius on toilet

“In Soviet Russia toilet shits in you.”

~ Russian Reversal on toilets

“Are they taking the piss?”

~ You on Toilets

“I have to pay to use the toilet?”

~ Johnny Cash on The rising price of public conveniences

Look BITCH, We don't want to see you taking a **** on the toilet naked anymore, okay?

“This article is Toilet”

~ You on This Article

“It makes me feel flushed”

~ A toilet on poor toilet humour

“Public toilets are public right? So what are unpublic toilets? Unsocialble?”

~ Beecee on Toilet humour enter the world of poop

“As we who have watched Scrubs know, the toilet is the place where epiphanies happen. In fact, 90% of all my work was thought up whilst I was on the crapper.”

~ Oscar Wilde

“No, that was a roof toilet.”

~ The Janitor on the above quote

“you mean Kylie's booty is just for shaking.”

~ Brian Johnson on learning that celebritys go to the toilet

Lord Sandwich holding a toilet roll.

Argument exists as to who really invented the modern Toilet (Urinal/Fecal Dumping Center) or shitter. Some say it was Sir Thomas Crapper (born September 1836) who's flushing u-bend proved very successful, but credit is also given to others such as Alexander Cummings. Don't belive me? Check out [1]. Who's the John now? You might point that out to your teacher next time they tell you off for saying the word "crap". Recent carbon dating and realy clever laser guided scientific guess work has lead to the conclusion that German inventor, William J. Washingmachine was the most likely inventor of the modern flushing toilet. His other most notable inventions being the tumble dryer and internet branflakes.

Keep dogs away from the toilet. You don't want to know why.

Before the modern U-bend, toilets were rather messy affairs where even kings such as Louis XVI (who was last to ascend the French throne) generally found themselves crapping out of the window. Thanks to Washingmachine, we now all enjoy relative hygiene, except in Spain where they haven't quite grasped the idea of plumbing yet.

[edit] Toilet Rolls

Specifications of toilet, mostly

The most important feature of toilet is the toilet roll. It is extremely important to distinguish the toilet roll from the edible form of roll, which is actually sandwitch (invented by Lord Sandwich). Assuming you have identified that you do in-fact have a toilet roll, and not a sandwich you may use the toilet roll for wiping your bottom, and may then eat the sandwitch. Uncyclopedia recommends that you wash your hands beforehand however. Men use the toilet standing, whilst woman use it sitting!

[edit] Controversy

There is currently certain forms of controversy being discussed in the Supreme Court of the United States over the correct way to use toilet paper. A large majority crumples their toilet paper, thus rendering most of the surface area unusable and making you A splode. The Smart people have done further study on the issue and resolved that the safest way to wipe is to neatly tuck and fold the material. This makes greater use of surface area and prevents further a sploding

[edit] Measurements

Sometimes toilets do not function as desired

Mathematically, a toilet can be derived as:

This is another toilet. You can't crap on it unless you squat down and then shit on it. But make sure you don't crap on the ground!

Where d is the diameter of the hole, and SHIT is the constant 1.6lbs, although some people have different values for this depending on the time of day, whether they use the metric or imperial measurement systems, or what was eaten the previous evening. One must also take into account the variables of available toilet paper and ventilation of the area. Poorly ventilated areas can result in inaccurate measurements and especially male users missing their intended target, thereby resulting in higher fares charged by the cleaning company.

WHat do i do if my toilet has been raped? Theres not much u can do except light a kangeroo on fire, wear a party hat and sing Happy Birthday in twenty two different languages at the same time! then take a wicked shit on the kangaroo!in soviet russia the toilet rapes u!!!!

[edit] Toilet trivia

Articles seen on Wikipedia

The recent collapse of the housing market has been blamed on potential buyers mistaking the "To Let" signs for public conveniences, often leaving their non financial deposits in nearby plant pots.

Toilet and sanitary infrastructure are perpetually under attack by Sewerside Bombers. You might want to be standing well out of the way when the shit hits the fan.

In England there is a specific governmental post to deal with the state of the nations toilets, known as the Lord Privvy.

In April of 2007 New Scotland yard (the headquarters of British police) was brought to a standstill after a (formally constipated) felon finally managed to relieve himself completely blocking the entire sewerage system. An action was brought against the man, but the police had nothing to go on, and the case was finally discharged in court.

Every version of Microsoft Windows has been developed in a toilet ever since Hitler's first day as chairman of the company.

[edit] The Seat

Batista attempts to use the toilet.

Should we leave the seat up or down? Arguement:

If everyone always leaves the seat down (or up, just reverse everything):

Female user followed by female user - no movement, no effort
Female user followed by male user - male lifts seat, one unit effort
Male user followed by female user - male puts seat down, one unit effort
Male user followed by male user - first male puts it down, second lifts it up - two units effort

Average: one unit effort

But if everyone just leaves it in whatever position they used it in:

Female user followed by female user - no movement, no effort
Female user followed by male user - male lifts seat, one unit effort
Male user followed by female user - female puts seat down, one unit effort
Male user followed by male user - no movement, no effort

Average: one-half unit effort

Conclusion: Men, leave the seat up. Women, stop complaining when they do. It's more efficient that way.

Option 2: Don't use the toilet. That's what pants are for. Problem Solved. Avoid the washer after this, however.

Another popular school of though on this matter deals with messes. The average male user will splatter some of his urine onto the room. Even if his aim is pefect, there's always a little bit that bounces off the water and onto the seat. Therefore, to hide this unsightly mess of urine speckles, the seat should always be put back down. This may add an extra unit of effort every time a guy has to pee, but it removes the 3 units of effort required to wipe off the splattered pee with toilet paper.

[edit] Flushing

Most toilets have a flushing mechanism known as a Handle. You pull it down and everything is supposed to disappear. But some users of the toilet are n00bs and take shits that are too big, and the toilet wont flush. This usually results in water and shit all over the floor of the bathroom, and a feeling of immediate panic.

Some toilets have employed a device known as power-flush. These toilets don't have tanks of water that rely on gravity for the flushing force. Instead, the shitting part of the toilet sits where the user can see it, and is bolted to the concrete wall. Behind this wall, there is a V8 engine responsible for delivering 400HP of water pressure which will destroy anything in the bowl at the time of the flush. If your balls naturally hang low, or your cock is really big, there is a risk of flushing these items down the toilet as well, so BE CAREFUL!

Other toilets have automatic flushing, and don't require the user to pull any sort of handle. The source code for these toilets is very complex. Before you even get your pants down, they will flush 3 times to let you know that they are very high-tech. Then, once you sit down, the toilet will flush again, causing your dick to become wet with toilet water. The toilets aren't without a sense of humor, and will sometimes flush suddenly when they observe that you are daydreaming or reading a magazine just to scare the shit out of you. Then, once you are done making your deposit and putting your pants back on, they will flush another 6 times to make sure that it all went down.