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- You might be mistaking Tofu with the indestructible polymerized resin, Tofu.
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“Tofu is a threat to America! When I'm reelected, I'll make sure... oh, right.”
“Gimme yo' tofu!”
“So this tofu is different from tofu in what way? It kills people?! Sweet nectar! Now I can finally avenge Triuv Nutz!”
“It's a lot better than 0/4. Zero quarter notes. When does it end? It doesn't. When does it start? It already did.”
Tofü is a biological weapon created by God in the year 1747 as a way to kill all humans on Earth with spectacular accuracy. More recently, however, terrorists groups have taken it upon themselves to use the tofu to gain what they want most in life; lots of sacred goats. It looks like tofu, but is extremely lethal.
edit Background Information
edit The Ingredients Used to Make Tofu
The ingredients are classified, but that will not stop me from listing them here. Tofu usually contains dead babies, cat innards, hotcakes, and blueberry jam. It may or may not also contain miscellaneous human body parts, but that is purely the choice of the mixer of the tofu.
After the ingredients are put together in a large washtub, a black child is added and then all of it is mashed up in a big mixing bowl, which is called a microwave (that is set to "popcorn"). When the outside of the black kid is fully cooked, which is never known because of its swarthiness, all of the mix is thrown into another giant tub. Then, copious amounts of water are poured into the tub. Since black people can't take baths, the water starts a giant energy reaction that creates the tofu.
However, many people are just beginning to realize other ways to create these ultimate killing machines, but they all usually involve trying to make tofu evolve, which basically creates a new evolutionary path where once there was naught. These people are called commies because they wish to change the foundations that America rests upon! Yes, America's future depends on tofu! That's why you're reading this, right? If America loses its tofu industry, we'll have to resort to using tofu to kill people. Have you seen the kill-to-notkill ratio of tofu?
edit In-Depth Look at the Ingredients and Processes
- Dead Babies - These are added to allow the biological portion of the weapon to reach its full fruition; otherwise, the weapon would be generally unbiological, and therefore, less cool. The tiny brain also allows the tofu to choose the best course of action. Because of this, the tofu takes the form of tofu and sits there motionless. The true form of tofu is more evil than can be imagined by normal humans.
- Cat Innards - This is the most important part of the combination because it causes the tofu to be extremely agile and high strung. It also contributes to the most telltale sign of the presence of tofu, which is the random tofu fart.
- Hotcakes - These are just awesome, so they are added for more awesomity. They are slightly radioactive, however, so they are added with care.
- Blueberry Jam - This is like the lubrication of the machine to tofu. When you kill tofu, you will know, because the blueberry jam will seep out from the edges and cause the tofu to scream.
Sometimes these extras are added to the mix-
- Miscellaneous Body Parts - These allow the tofu to pick up and use various human weapons, though some weapons can be grafted to the tofu's exoskeleton manually, relieving the need for extra appendages.
edit Schematics of a Tofu
Tofu is covered by a tough exoskeleton that has yet be penetrated by any firearm, so guns will not help in a fight against tofu. The best course of action when dealing with the weapon is to just not confront the tofu in any way. This exoskeleton covers the entire shell of the tofu, protecting the soft blueberry innards. There is only one opening in the exoskeleton, and it is located underneath the tofu.
The next layer is under the exoskeleton, but very close to the surface, as the covering is not very thick. This layer is called the inner shell of the tofu, and is responsible for most of the ballistic riccochet. Unlike the hard exoskeleton, however, the inner shell is soft, but very rubbery. If the exoskeleton can be opened, the shell would be an easy target for the human hand to pry into the insides of the tofu.
The last layer is the heart of the tofu, which is composed of five major parts.
- The first part is the brain of the tofu. It is a black coloured lump connected directly to the inner shell. It is responsible for all actions and behaviour of the tofu, much like a humanoid brain, though it has no need for reproduction, so it does not hump peoples' legs like a dog.
- The second part is the belly. This usually contains children, as tofu is prone to eat children instead of adults, as children give the tofu more energy.
- Third is the digestive tract. This comes out of the belly and forks off into the brain, where it directly sends the transmogrified energy.
- Of the fourth part does the energy cell constitute. The energy cell provides back-up energy in the case of long-term hibernation.
- The fifth part is the collective net of sensors placed all over the body of the tofu, which pick up sound and light and transmit it to the brain.
edit Types of Tofu
There are four types of tofu, which are listed below-
- Tofu - The most basic type used by terrorists. They have the innate ability to stay motionless and they fart profusely. They are the most stealthy type of tofu and are generally referred to as the "ninja tofu", as the four types of tofu can be confused quite easily.
- Ufot - Ufot is the reverse of Tofu, not the opposite. It is created by rotating Tofu in the fourth dimension. It holds all the properties of Tofu, just reversed. It is known for pioneering the fields of backwards driving and Etarak.
- Anti-Tofu - This is the opposite of Tofu, not the reverse. Anti-Tofu is known for going on endless killing sprees, leaving a trail of blood through the neighbourhoods it aimlessly wanders through. It is usually haphazard in its work, commonly leaving its wallet behind on the floor.
- Ufot-Itna - This is the reverse of the opposite of Tofu, which does not cancel it out. Ufot-Itna combines the bezerkiness of Anti-Tofu with the stupidity of Ufot to create an angry aborted child of Tofu. Ufot-Itna is usually referred to as "the first wave", as it is used as bantha fodder in armed combats.
edit Ways of Combining Tofu
Quadtofu bombs are bombs that hold all four types of tofu in a separate container. When activated, the four tofus come together and cause a giant explosion of AIDS. The explosion is very small, however, and is the only thing that can kill cockroaches.
Contrary to the reaction of all four tofus in the Quadtofu bomb, the Trifü bomb only contains Tofu, Anti-Tofu, and Ufot. Because the Tofu and Anti-Tofu cancel out with a burst of energy, the Ufot has to absorb the blast. This energizes the Ufot into "Ex Aquam; Senex" which probably doesn't read "From water, an old man", but it should. The phrase can be shortened to Xaquex. The phrase means absolutely nothing, but the supercharged Xaquex is capable of destroying whole worlds. A Trifü bomb can also contain Ufot and Ufot-Itna, causing the weak Tofu to receive the blast which destroys it. Any other combination of tofu doesn't work in the sense of a bomb. They work in a sense of a localized community because they don't explode. (And if they do, I'm not writing about them) Finally, the Bifü bomb combines two opposites, not reverses, so they explode into flaming kitten hail, the good kind of hail, because it's full of flaming kittens. By the way, flaming kittens are one of the leading causes of air pollution, especially in Middle Eastern countries where many of these Bifü bomb tests are being done.
edit Militant Tofu
edit The Midget Method
Tofu can only truly be defeated with midgets. First you must pick up the midget by grasping their tiny midget-legs. Midget-legs are extremely small and brittle. The slightest touch will break them, so you must take care to not break their stubby legs. Next, swing the midget around in a perfect circle pattern. After swinging the midget around in a circle, you must then release the midget at the tofu. When the midget hits the tofu, an explosion will occur that will unmake the universe.
Care must be taken to swing the midget in a complete perfect circle, as ovals or tesseracts are either impossible or wrong. When the midget is released, it is common practice to yell "FIRE", as it will take at least four hours for anybody to show up. You must brace yourself for the unmaking of the universe by rolling on the ground in a square pattern. Any other pattern will cause you to be raped by a giant angry gorilla. However, this will not save you in any way from the blast, though you may get a complementary car air freshener. The air freshener may or may not be sentient and try to kill you by expunging a strong scent of death from its nonexistent anus.
edit How Tofu Destroys Its Targets
First, the tofu (it's not capitalized because it's generalized) must be implanted with a target. This is done through the use of computers and firewire connections, but I'm not going into the process because Minitrue say tofukill doubleplusunreal. After the target data is implanted, the tofu must be taken to a location near the target. Once left alone, the tofu will actively search the vicinity for the target. If found, it will kill the target with no mercy. (Usually by way of Rusty Concealed Chainsaw) If nothing is found, the tofu will devolve into tofu. Tofu is widely regarded by terrorists to be both an efficient killing automaton, and a highly inedible indestructible resin. When questioned by authorities if he had any connections with tofu, Barack Obama has been quoted saying that he, "absolutely...[loves]...[tofu]...when used...as a [killing]...[machine]," though this may just be an attempt to capture the young voting market, and not a factual statement. Tofu is known to have a very good kill-to-notkill ratio (1:0) because if it doesn't kill, it turns into tofu (0:∞). However, there is one disputed claim of tofu killing a man, but many say he died because he ate the inedible tofu, not that the tofu killed him. Any opposition to that statement is usually discredited with a Good Old Rusty Concealed Chainsaw.
edit Other Ways You Can Attempt to Kill Tofu
Although tofu can only trulily be killed by the Midget Method, you can attempt a number of other solutions-
- You can sing the "Tofu Song of Death", which can be found on this page.
- You can shoot it with a firearm and realize that your death will be long and gruesome.
- You can run away to confuse the tofu, then jump on its head like Mario, hurting your feet on its exoskeleton in the process.
- You can die.
- Use the Force, you can; work, it will not.
There's really not much else you can do when faced with tofu. You can stock up on the four tofus and try to counteract with its opposite, not its reverse, but even that won't stop the tofu when it puts its personal shield up. This is called Tofudroideka Mode, which is sometimes shortened to just "HOLY CRAP! TOFUUUUUuuuuuüüüüü.... *gurgle* *gurgle* </life>".
edit Important Tofus of Contemporary Times
edit Starbuck the Anti-Tofu
Starbuck the Anti-Tofu is a well-known name in Tofuüan warrior circles. All Anti-Tofus are assumed to have read his book, Mein Butthole, a stirring portrait of Starbuck's life as an Anti-Tofu assassin. Starbuck's tactics usually included acting before thinking and shooting before paying. Although this got him into many disagreements, the other person usually died, so it doesn't matter.