Toes

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“I hate those stubby fingers on my feet!”
~ Oscar Wilde on Toes

Toes, almost never referred to as jumpy-jumps or skippy-skips, are oftentimes frightening and frequently silly appendages which so often grow at the frontal ends of people's feet. Little studied and thus poorly understood, as of yet nobody is certain what function toes play, only that there presence requires that their host person must wear shoes slightly longer than would be necessary if they were toeless like a porpoise.

History of a Toe

Overlapping-toes

Holy fuck!

In the early years of WW2 there was a major problem that a man deity named Vincent had noticed. This was the great unsolved mystery of how to prop up the short leg on his soldier's camp bed, preventing the dreaded midnight wobble much feared by soldiers through the entire army. Though originally made of cigarettes and copious amounts of macaroni and cheese, the original recipe was changed, due to congress passing a law banning things being made out of cigarettes during war. Vincent and his fellow comrades originally called these devices Towes. The towes were then made 14 times bigger and with Jew ashes and pine sap. This allowed them to be screwed directly onto the short leg of the bed.

When the great war ended, soldiers brought these wonderful devices home to their wives, who did not quite know what to think of these presents, as unlike the soldiers' beds, their own were not manufactured with a short leg. So they used them to solve a problem of their own, filling that empty space in the tip of their shoes. They were quite unaware of the strange reactions that would take place when in contact with foot skin and pantyhose. {feet are secretly trying to take over the world!!!!}

A strange chemical in pine sap, Tetratoenium, bonded with the element water in the skin of the foot, with the pantyhose acting as a catalyst. This reaction created a volatile and dangerous chemical that is known to be cancerous. Soon after they began stuffing their shoes, women noticed odd lumps beginning to grow on the fore-foot.

This was the beginning of a global epidemic as the lumps proved highly contagious, spreading via odd socks, laundry days and babies in bathwater. The lumps were soon dubbed toes by the war veterans, due to the uncanny resemblance to the tool they had used to prop up the short leg on their bed, and the fact that they filled the same space in the shoe that the towes once had.

Thus the toe as we know it began to spread, like butter on toast, and many people began to develop this horrible disease. The 60's did not hinder the progress of the great illness, but the shared needles not only spread aids, but also spread this disease. Another strange aspect was it's ability to change, and avoid destruction from potential cures of it.

Recent Years

Toes

modern toes in action

NAIAS 2008 01

Obviously.

With the introduction of Agent Orange from the Vietnam war this virus began to break its previous records of size and began to appendages that were recorded to be up to 2 inches long..! The toe also began to grow counterparts, and now no foot is complete without the set of 5 toes. These common 5 organism colonies include, in order:

  • Large Food storage toe
  • Long Attack toe
  • Secondary Defense Toes
  • Parasitic Side Toe

Anatomy of the Toe Parasite

The toe consists of two major parts. The flesh, which contains various unimportant organs, such as the brain, the heart, the lungs, etc. This is the center of their flesh eating fungus. And the hard carapace known to humans as the 'toe nail'. It protects the toe's fleshy, tasty interior from its natural predators, such as the Dresser Corner, the Upturned Thumbtack, or the infamous Hagiboboblakin Weeba.

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