Remember your friend’s wedding?
Of course you don’t. You drank so much that the bartender started pre-mixing your cocktail as soon as he spied your lumbering carcass weaving vaguely forward on its umpteenth trip back to Plasterville.
That night may be a haze, but you’ve never forgotten the consequences: that person that you slept with — the one that checked the number of your cell phone just to make sure that you couldn’t ditch them afterwards with the old “fake number routine”.
You tried to forget them; they just won’t let you.
It’s time for a hard look at the math. Pay the damned $400 penalty to get out of your current contract, and move to ToddiPhone. Our phones are cheap. Cheap enough that the next time you wake up next to some questionable stranger in a compromising position, you can leave your phone on the night table as you beat a hasty retreat for the door, or an open ground-floor window.
Better yet, pitch it down a sewer grate next to the spent needles and those handguns with filed-off serial numbers. You just never know if that person is crazy enough to dust your phone for prints.
You might also consider not drinking so much, but… nah.
WE'RE AWESOME! PERIOD.™