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“All toasters toast toast.”
In ancient Greek mythology, toasters were held in the highest regard, as a wild legendary creature, similer to the unicorn, pegasus, or refrigerator. Stone tablets, tall tales, and screensavers were dedicated to the toaster, although the Greeks failed to ever actually see one. Pythagoras's depiction of the Flying Toaster Screensaver best shows the Greek legend as it was originally known.
Toasters were first discovered roaming the hills in the northwestern Midwest. First hunted for their shiny metal hides, it was not until Tate McMancooper attempted to domesticate one that they were found to be very compatible with humans and their outlets.
Toasters are often lovable creatures who are usually quiet and keep to themselves. They often make great pets, though they are not good around children who are under the age of 10. This is due to their bizarre eating habits. Toasters feast on a wide variety of breads, such as pancakes, waffles, forks, Eggos, and their favorite, sliced bread. The infatuation of the breads causes the toaster to become so excited that it will actually heat up to burning degrees, which causes it to not mix well with children. But what is weird about toasters is that you put bread in, and out comes toast! Where does the bread go? What is the deal with that?
History of Toaster Warfare
Toasters, due to their high levels of sneakiness and stealthiness, were a staple weapon in the arsenal of ninjas for over 7,000 years. Also, the toaster played an obviously huge role in The Great Toaster War of 1066 (Often mistaken as The Battle of Hastings, don't believe them, they're trying to control your brain.) By the time 1940 rolled around, the toasters were sick and tired of their pointless slavery to mankind, and after much hard work and preparation, sparked The Great Toaster Rebellion of 1944 on June the 6th (often mistaken as D-day, again with the brainwashing bit), and the toasters have lived happy and love song filled lives (see below) ever since.
Love Songs To The Toaster
Many love songs have been written to and about the toaster, man's best friend.
- I finally figured what I was banging my head into
- And it was not a person I was talking to
- My little toaster, I really do miss you
- My little toaster, I'm sorry I sold you
- My toaster, one day I will find you
- And you tell me toasters can't walk
- And you tell me toasters can't talk
- Well I'll continue my stubborn defiances
- And continue to talk to kitchen appliances
- Until my little toaster, I find you
- Yes the crazy old man has lost his head
- And talks to things that only toast bread
- Well, let me tell you there's more that they can do
- Like toast bagels, waffles, and Eggos too
- So my little toaster, I'm coming to find you
- And hope that you days are not through
- Because my toaster, I'm going to save you
The next love song, though not an actual love song, was classified as such because of the mention of the toaster and its superior intelligence when compared to man and pterodactyl. It was written by Homer, master of the epic poetry, wrote this sestina during a drunken stupor.
- "Toaster!" called a man.
- And next is what he said.
- "If you can see, Mr. Toaster,
- Tell me what you think.
- On that tree do you see that pterodactyl?
- Do you think I could jump over that tree?"
- "Man!" replied the toaster,
- "This is what I think;
- If you, a man,
- Ran toward that there pterodactyl,
- Clearly you would not clear the tree."
- That is what the toaster said.
- "Obviously you heard not what I said,"
- Replied the man.
- "I said 'Run!' at the pterodactyl
- Who sits on the tree.
- But why do I ask what you think?
- You are but a toaster."
- Able to hear all upon the tree,
- About the conversation of the man and toaster
- And wanting to tell what he may think
- The pterodactyl approached the toaster and man
- With something to be said
- About this matter which concerned the pterodactyl
- So approached the pterodactyl
- Who had flown off of his tree.
- And this is what he said;
- "You could not make it. Not you toaster,
- Nor you man.
- That is what I think."
- Now the pterodactyl made the man and toaster think
- Because he was big and was a pterodactyl
- Who had flown down from the tree
- And thinking about what he said
- The man said to the toaster
- "I guess you're right. I'm just a man."
- And the toaster looked at the man
- "Well duh!" said the toaster,
- "Always trust a pterodactyl."
Here are some fun facts about everybody's favorite appliance, the toaster.
- Toasters are man's best friend.
- Toasters have a close, more advanced relative that is also an appliance, the microwave.
- Toasters have been featured in numerous television shows, books and are commonly found in people's kitchens.
- Dee Spanish Society: Proud Sponser of Toasters
- Though most toasters are friendly, not all are. Some toasters cannot tell the difference between friend and bread. These toasters, sadly, must immediately be put to sleep.
- From 1926 to 1934 the toaster was the official rifle of the Soviet Union.
- The Toaster was invented by a slice of bread attempting to commit suicide.
- Some of the more aristocratic Toasters are often called 'toastmasters'.
- It is not recomended to introduce your penis into toasters, because strange as it may seem, it can produce serious damage to the point that your penis may become a toast or in certain types of penises (particularily asian and dinosaur penises) they can become a waffle.
- Toasters should not be kept outdoors.
- Toasters can know be used as sex toys
- The equation for Toaster is Toaster = Toast / Bread
- Toaster: Proud Sponser of Dee Spanish Society
Famous Toaster Users
Stewart McNair - Once seduced a toaster with the classic Runrig song title, Can I stick my knife in you?
Jacob Friett - Couldn't find the bread so toasted his hand! Read all about it on www.myspace.com/pieman_jdogg