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This is a toaster enthusiast's rendition of their toaster, Charles.

“All toasters toast toast.”
~ Mario on toasters

Toasters are about the most lovable sex toy known to man. In fact, toasters are commonly known as "man's best friend."


In ancient Greek mythology, toasters were held in the highest regard, as a wild legendary creature, similer to the unicorn, pegasus, or refrigerator. Stone tablets, tall tales, and screensavers were dedicated to the toaster, although the Greeks failed to ever actually see one. Pythagoras's depiction of the Flying Toaster Screensaver best shows the Greek legend as it was originally known.

Toasters were first discovered roaming the hills in the northwestern Midwest. First hunted for their shiny metal hides, it was not until Tate McMancooper attempted to domesticate one that they were found to be very compatible with humans and their outlets.


Many people can't wait to take their new toaster on a walk in the park.


Toasters are often lovable creatures who are usually quiet and keep to themselves. They often make great pets, though they are not good around children who are under the age of 10. This is due to their bizarre eating habits. Toasters feast on a wide variety of breads, such as pancakes, waffles, forks, Eggos, and their favorite, sliced bread. The infatuation of the breads causes the toaster to become so excited that it will actually heat up to burning degrees, which causes it to not mix well with children. But what is weird about toasters is that you put bread in, and out comes toast! Where does the bread go? What is the deal with that?

History of Toaster Warfare

Toasters, due to their high levels of sneakiness and stealthiness, were a staple weapon in the arsenal of ninjas for over 7,000 years. Also, the toaster played an obviously huge role in The Great Toaster War of 1066 (Often mistaken as The Battle of Hastings, don't believe them, they're trying to control your brain.) By the time 1940 rolled around, the toasters were sick and tired of their pointless slavery to mankind, and after much hard work and preparation, sparked The Great Toaster Rebellion of 1944 on June the 6th (often mistaken as D-day, again with the brainwashing bit), and the toasters have lived happy and love song filled lives (see below) ever since.

Love Songs To The Toaster

Many love songs have been written to and about the toaster, man's best friend.

To Beloved

This first love song to the toaster was written by Tate McMancooper sometime before The Tatiad was published.

I finally figured what I was banging my head into
And it was not a person I was talking to
My little toaster, I really do miss you
My little toaster, I'm sorry I sold you
My toaster, one day I will find you
And you tell me toasters can't walk
And you tell me toasters can't talk
Well I'll continue my stubborn defiances
And continue to talk to kitchen appliances
Until my little toaster, I find you
Yes the crazy old man has lost his head
And talks to things that only toast bread
Well, let me tell you there's more that they can do
Like toast bagels, waffles, and Eggos too
So my little toaster, I'm coming to find you
And hope that you days are not through
Because my toaster, I'm going to save you

It was this poem that sparked a massive resurgence into researching methods of suicide.

The Sexiana

The next love song, though not an actual love song, was classified as such because of the mention of the toaster and its superior intelligence when compared to man and pterodactyl. It was written by Homer, master of the epic poetry, wrote this sestina during a drunken stupor.

"Toaster!" called a man.
And next is what he said.
"If you can see, Mr. Toaster,
Tell me what you think.
On that tree do you see that pterodactyl?
Do you think I could jump over that tree?"
"Man!" replied the toaster,
"This is what I think;
If you, a man,
Ran toward that there pterodactyl,
Clearly you would not clear the tree."
That is what the toaster said.
"Obviously you heard not what I said,"
Replied the man.
"I said 'Run!' at the pterodactyl
Who sits on the tree.
But why do I ask what you think?
You are but a toaster."
Able to hear all upon the tree,
About the conversation of the man and toaster
And wanting to tell what he may think
The pterodactyl approached the toaster and man
With something to be said
About this matter which concerned the pterodactyl
So approached the pterodactyl
Who had flown off of his tree.
And this is what he said;
"You could not make it. Not you toaster,
Nor you man.
That is what I think."
Now the pterodactyl made the man and toaster think
Because he was big and was a pterodactyl
Who had flown down from the tree
And thinking about what he said
The man said to the toaster
"I guess you're right. I'm just a man."
And the toaster looked at the man
"Well duh!" said the toaster,
"Always trust a pterodactyl."

Fun Facts

Here are some fun facts about everybody's favorite appliance, the toaster.

  • Toasters are man's best friend.
  • Toasters have a close, more advanced relative that is also an appliance, the microwave.
  • Toasters have been featured in numerous television shows, books and are commonly found in people's kitchens.
  • Dee Spanish Society: Proud Sponser of Toasters
  • Though most toasters are friendly, not all are. Some toasters cannot tell the difference between friend and bread. These toasters, sadly, must immediately be put to sleep.
  • From 1926 to 1934 the toaster was the official rifle of the Soviet Union.
  • The Toaster was invented by a slice of bread attempting to commit suicide.
  • Some of the more aristocratic Toasters are often called 'toastmasters'.
  • It is not recomended to introduce your penis into toasters, because strange as it may seem, it can produce serious damage to the point that your penis may become a toast or in certain types of penises (particularily asian and dinosaur penises) they can become a waffle.
  • Toasters should not be kept outdoors.
  • Toasters can know be used as sex toys
  • The equation for Toaster is Toaster = Toast / Bread
  • Toaster: Proud Sponser of Dee Spanish Society

Famous Toaster Users

Stewart McNair - Once seduced a toaster with the classic Runrig song title, Can I stick my knife in you?

Jacob Friett - Couldn't find the bread so toasted his hand! Read all about it on

See Also

Personal tools