Toaster

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

(Difference between revisions)
Jump to: navigation, search
Line 1: Line 1:
[[Image:Toaster.jpg|thumb|right|This is a toaster enthusiast's rendition of their toaster, Charles.]]
+
{{Taxobox
  +
| color = pink
  +
| name = Toaster
  +
| status = LR/lc
  +
| image = [[Image:White Toaster.jpg|230px]]
  +
| kingdom = [[Animal]]ia
  +
| phylum = [[bug|Arthropoda]]
  +
| class = [[crab|Crustacea]]
  +
| order = [[Idiotic Table of the Elements|Aluminata]]
  +
| family = [[Kitchen Sink|Appliancidae]]
  +
| genus = [[Toaster|Toasterus]]
  +
| species = T. blanco
  +
| biname = Toasterus blanco
  +
| pri_arm = suffocation
  +
| sec_arm = poison plugs
  +
| power = Any outlet will do.
  +
| hp = [[???]]
  +
| mp = Profit!
  +
| strength = More than you, wimp.
  +
| intel = More than a fridge, less than a microwave.
  +
| weight = Ranges from 1 pound to 5 lbs.
  +
| length = From 1 foot to 1.5 feet.
  +
| special = [[Fire|Inflammation]]
  +
| conserv = Domesticated
  +
}}
   
{{Q|All toasters, toast toast.|Mario|toasters}}
+
{{Q|Gentlemen, I have seen the future. And the future... is ''toasters''.|George Washington Carver|toasters}}
   
'''Toasters''' are about the most lovable [[sex toy]] known to [[man]]. In fact, toasters are commonly known as "man's best friend."
+
A toaster is a small land crustacean. It is generally shiny and box-like, although this can vary from species to species. The toaster has an aluminum exoskeleton with up to [[4/0|four]] slots that make up the mouth; protruding from the outer shell is a lever that is pushed down to consume prey. Also present is a dial determining how much of the prey is to be consumed, or in layspeak, "toasted." The toaster's natural habitat ranges from deciduous to evergreen forests. A ferocious predator, toasters have nevertheless been domesticated extensively by humans of nearly all walks of life.<ref>Except for those emaciated [[Black People|black]] kids in Africa, who are so poor they can't afford a latrine.</ref>
   
==History==
+
==Toasters in Nature==
In ancient [[Greece|Greek]] mythology, toasters were held in the highest regard, as a wild legendary creature, similer to the [[unicorn]], [[pegasus]], or [[refrigerator]]. Stone tablets, tall tales, and [[screensaver|screensavers]] were dedicated to the toaster, although the Greeks failed to ever actually see one. [[Pythagoras]]'s depiction of the [[Flying Toaster Screensaver]] best shows the Greek legend as it was originally known.
+
On the evolutional tree, toasters are very closely related to other [[appliance]]s, especially microwaves. Toaster ovens are not as close to "true" toasters as you might think, but nonetheless share much of the same [[DNA]]. Also related to toasters are appliances such as refrigerators and stoves. Toasters are ferocious predators, and are hunted only by the occasional dire [[wolf]], and of course, man. The prey of a toaster may include but is not limited to [[sliced bread]], [[bread|loafed bread]], [[bagels]], [[waffles]], [[Pop-Tarts]], [[pancakes]], English muffins<ref>Only the species ''Toasterus angleterri'' preys on these.</ref>, and occasionally [[cash|paper money]].
   
Toasters were first discovered roaming the hills in the northwestern [[Midwest]]. First hunted for their shiny [[metal]] hides, it was not until [[Tate McMancooper]] attempted to domesticate one that they were found to be very compatible with [[humans]] and their outlets.
+
===Eating Habits===
  +
[[Image:Toaster pounce.jpg|left|thumb|The toaster is a ferocious predator, employing the "sneak-up-and-pounce" technique to great effect. The slice of bread doesn't have a chance.]]
  +
In the early 19th century, toasters were still a mystery to mankind. In 1823, [[George Washington Carver]] set out on an expedition to the California redwoods to study toasters. Over a period of [[ten]] years, Carver studied the eating habits of toasters.
   
[[Image:Walkingtoaster.jpg|thumb|right|Many people can't wait to take their new toaster on a walk in the park.]]
+
When a toaster first spots prey, it will immediately drop into a crouch and stalk the unfortunate bread slice until it stops to drink or eat. The toaster pounces at once, crushing the slice. The toaster will use its poisonous plug at the end of its ''cord'', or tail, to stab the prey into submission. Once the bread slice has stopped thrashing, the toaster will use its cord to drop it into one of its slots. Then something occurrs that continues to befuddle scientists today. As the toaster consumes its prey, it will become excited and produce an electric reaction, called "heat." This amazing reaction is called ''toasting''.
==Demeanor==
 
   
Toasters are often lovable creatures who are usually quiet and keep to themselves. They often make great [[pet|pets]], though they are not good around [[children]] who are under the age of 10. This is due to their bizarre eating habits. Toasters feast on a wide variety of [[bread|breads]], such as [[pancakes]], [[waffles]], [[forks]], [[Eggos]], and their favorite, [[sliced bread]]. The infatuation of the breads causes the toaster to become so excited that it will actually heat up to [[burn|burning]] degrees, which causes it to not mix well with children. But what is weird about toasters is that you put bread in, and out comes toast! Where does the bread go? What is the deal with that?
+
===Courtship and Mating===
  +
There comes a time in every toaster's life when it will feel the need to reproduce, to start a family. First he will seek out a prospective mate, which can usually be found at singles [[bars]]. If a suitable mate can be found and if the male is not rejected at first sight<ref>like [[you]]</ref>, he will begin an elaborate coutship [[dance]]. This dance consists of seven parts, five of which are too vulgar and/or disturbing to be inncluded in this article. Firstly, the male will capture a piece of prey. Uncommon preys, such as [[waffles]] or bagels, are valued more to [[females]] than common preys like bread. The [[prey]] that has been captured '''must be alive'''. If the male toaster was to toast the prey before presenting it to his potential mate, not only would he be rejected on sight, but also devoured alive.{{cn}} Once the male has sufficiently wooed his mate, they will retire to a secluded area to, ''ahem'', [[sex|procreate]].
   
==History of Toaster Warfare==
+
==Toasters and Man==
+
[[Image:Toaster ranching.psd.jpg|thumb|275px|Toasters now come primarily from ranches, like this one pictured here.]]
Toasters, due to their high levels of [[Oprah|sneakiness]] and [[Scooby Doo|stealthiness]], were a staple weapon in the arsenal of [[Ninja|ninjas]] for over 7,000 years. Also, the toaster played an obviously huge role in The Great Toaster War of 1066 (Often mistaken as The [[Battle of Hastings]], don't believe them, they're trying to control your [[shit|brain]].) By the time 1940 rolled around, the toasters were sick and tired of their pointless [[slavery]] to mankind, and after much hard work and preparation, sparked The Great Toaster Rebellion of 1944 on June the 6th (often mistaken as [[D-day]], again with the brainwashing bit), and the toasters have lived happy and love song filled lives (see below) ever since.
+
Man and toasters have had a long and illustrious history, often near-symbiotic creatures, each depending on each other for survival. The first ever domestication of a toaster occurred in Ancient [[Rome]], where on a mosaic in Vesuvius there is shown a man and his pet toaster. As the industrial revolution brought about the destruction of many habitats of different animals, the toaster habitat one of them. Toasters dwindled in the wild, until there [[extinct|were no more left]]. However, toasters were saved from extinction by an Englishman named [[L. Ron Hubbard]], who preferred toast in the morning with the butter side down. An enterprising man, L. Ron saw the potential in the toaster as [[cow|livestock]]. He quickly set up a toaster ranching empire. This not only saved toasters from utter [[doom]], but humans of all walks of life could now own a loving pet.<ref>Toaster-related deaths claim at least 43.4% of American lives each year, but toasters are still lovable. Trust us.</ref> Toaster ranches were a lucrative way to make [[money]], and in the frontiers of America from 1800 to 1850 self-styled [[cowboy|toasterboys]] tamed the ole west. Now, toasters are raised in [[Texas]] alone, which make its chief export. Movie directors saw the glory in that old way of life, and "toaster westerns" make up a principal part of [[America|American]] culture.
 
 
 
==Love Songs To The Toaster==
 
 
Many love songs have been written to and about the toaster, man's best friend.
 
 
===To Beloved===
 
 
This first [[love]] song to the toaster was written by [[Tate McMancooper]] sometime before [[The Tatiad]] was published.
 
 
:''I finally figured what I was banging my head into''
 
:''And it was not a person I was talking to''
 
:''My little toaster, I really do miss you''
 
:''My little toaster, I'm sorry I sold you''
 
:''My toaster, one day I will find you''
 
 
:''And you tell me toasters can't walk''
 
:''And you tell me toasters can't talk''
 
:''Well I'll continue my stubborn defiances''
 
:''And continue to talk to kitchen appliances''
 
:''Until my little toaster, I find you''
 
 
:''Yes the crazy old man has lost his head''
 
:''And talks to things that only toast bread''
 
:''Well, let me tell you there's more that they can do''
 
:''Like toast bagels, waffles, and Eggos too''
 
 
:''So my little toaster, I'm coming to find you''
 
:''And hope that you days are not through''
 
:''Because my toaster, I'm going to save you''
 
 
It was this [[poem]] that sparked a massive resurgence into researching methods of [[suicide]].
 
 
===The Sexiana===
 
 
The next love song, though not an actual love song, was classified as such because of the mention of the toaster and its superior [[intelligence]] when compared to man and pterodactyl. It was written by [[Homer]], master of the epic poetry, wrote this sestina during a drunken stupor.
 
 
:''"Toaster!" called a man.''
 
:''And next is what he said.''
 
:''"If you can see, Mr. Toaster,''
 
:''Tell me what you think.''
 
:''On that tree do you see that pterodactyl?''
 
:''Do you think I could jump over that tree?"''
 
 
:''"Man!" replied the toaster,''
 
:''"This is what I think;''
 
:''If you, a man,''
 
:''Ran toward that there pterodactyl,''
 
:''Clearly you would not clear the tree."''
 
:''That is what the toaster said.''
 
 
:''"Obviously you heard not what I said,"''
 
:''Replied the man.''
 
:''"I said 'Run!' at the pterodactyl''
 
:''Who sits on the tree.''
 
:''But why do I ask what you think?''
 
:''You are but a toaster."''
 
 
:''Able to hear all upon the tree,''
 
:''About the conversation of the man and toaster''
 
:''And wanting to tell what he may think''
 
:''The pterodactyl approached the toaster and man''
 
:''With something to be said''
 
:''About this matter which concerned the pterodactyl''
 
 
:''So approached the pterodactyl''
 
:''Who had flown off of his tree.''
 
:''And this is what he said;''
 
:''"You could not make it. Not you toaster,''
 
:''Nor you man.''
 
:''That is what I think."''
 
 
:''Now the pterodactyl made the man and toaster think''
 
:''Because he was big and was a pterodactyl''
 
:''Who had flown down from the tree''
 
:''And thinking about what he said''
 
:''The man said to the toaster''
 
:''"I guess you're right. I'm just a man."''
 
 
:''And the toaster looked at the man''
 
:''"Well duh!" said the toaster,''
 
:''"Always trust a pterodactyl."''
 
 
==Fun Facts==
 
 
Here are some fun [[fact|facts]] about everybody's favorite appliance, the toaster.
 
 
*Toasters are man's best friend.
 
*Toasters have a close, more advanced relative that is also an appliance, the [[microwave]].
 
*Toasters have been featured in numerous [[television]] shows, books and are commonly found in people's [[kitchen|kitchens]].
 
*Dee Spanish Society: Proud Sponser of Toasters
 
*Though most toasters are friendly, not all are. Some toasters cannot tell the difference between [[friend]] and bread. These toasters, sadly, must immediately be put to [[sleep]].
 
*From 1926 to 1934 the toaster was the official rifle of the [[Soviet Union]].
 
*The Toaster was invented by a slice of bread attempting to commit suicide.
 
*Some of the more aristocratic Toasters are often called 'toastmasters'.
 
*It is not recomended to introduce your penis into toasters, because strange as it may seem, it can produce serious damage to the point that your penis may become a toast or in certain types of penises (particularily asian and dinosaur penises) they can become a waffle.
 
*Toasters should not be kept outdoors.
 
*Toasters can know be used as sex toys
 
*The equation for Toaster is Toaster = Toast / Bread
 
*Toaster: Proud Sponser of Dee Spanish Society
 
 
==Famous Toaster Users ==
 
 
Stewart McNair - Once seduced a toaster with the classic Runrig song title, Can I stick my knife in you?
 
 
Jacob Friett - Couldn't find the bread so toasted his hand! Read all about it on www.myspace.com/pieman_jdogg
 
   
 
==See Also==
 
==See Also==
 
 
*[[Bread]]
 
*[[Bread]]
 
*[[Sliced bread]]
 
*[[Sliced bread]]
Line 27: Line 26:
 
*[[L shaped Toast]]
 
*[[L shaped Toast]]
   
[[Category:Appliances]]
+
==References==
  +
<references/>

Revision as of 01:48, October 1, 2007

Toaster
White Toaster
Scientific classification
Kingdom Animalia
Phylum Arthropoda
Class Crustacea
Order Aluminata
Family Appliancidae
Genus Toasterus
Species T. blanco
Binomial name
Toasterus blanco
Specifications
Primary armament suffocation
Secondary armament poison plugs
Power supply Any outlet will do.
Health ???
Mana Profit!
Strength More than you, wimp.
Intelligence More than a fridge, less than a microwave.
Weight Ranges from 1 pound to 5 lbs.
Length From 1 foot to 1.5 feet.
Special attack Inflammation
Conservation status
Domesticated
“Gentlemen, I have seen the future. And the future... is toasters.”

A toaster is a small land crustacean. It is generally shiny and box-like, although this can vary from species to species. The toaster has an aluminum exoskeleton with up to four slots that make up the mouth; protruding from the outer shell is a lever that is pushed down to consume prey. Also present is a dial determining how much of the prey is to be consumed, or in layspeak, "toasted." The toaster's natural habitat ranges from deciduous to evergreen forests. A ferocious predator, toasters have nevertheless been domesticated extensively by humans of nearly all walks of life.[1]

Toasters in Nature

On the evolutional tree, toasters are very closely related to other appliances, especially microwaves. Toaster ovens are not as close to "true" toasters as you might think, but nonetheless share much of the same DNA. Also related to toasters are appliances such as refrigerators and stoves. Toasters are ferocious predators, and are hunted only by the occasional dire wolf, and of course, man. The prey of a toaster may include but is not limited to sliced bread, loafed bread, bagels, waffles, Pop-Tarts, pancakes, English muffins[2], and occasionally paper money.

Eating Habits

Toaster pounce

The toaster is a ferocious predator, employing the "sneak-up-and-pounce" technique to great effect. The slice of bread doesn't have a chance.

In the early 19th century, toasters were still a mystery to mankind. In 1823, George Washington Carver set out on an expedition to the California redwoods to study toasters. Over a period of ten years, Carver studied the eating habits of toasters.

When a toaster first spots prey, it will immediately drop into a crouch and stalk the unfortunate bread slice until it stops to drink or eat. The toaster pounces at once, crushing the slice. The toaster will use its poisonous plug at the end of its cord, or tail, to stab the prey into submission. Once the bread slice has stopped thrashing, the toaster will use its cord to drop it into one of its slots. Then something occurrs that continues to befuddle scientists today. As the toaster consumes its prey, it will become excited and produce an electric reaction, called "heat." This amazing reaction is called toasting.

Courtship and Mating

There comes a time in every toaster's life when it will feel the need to reproduce, to start a family. First he will seek out a prospective mate, which can usually be found at singles bars. If a suitable mate can be found and if the male is not rejected at first sight[3], he will begin an elaborate coutship dance. This dance consists of seven parts, five of which are too vulgar and/or disturbing to be inncluded in this article. Firstly, the male will capture a piece of prey. Uncommon preys, such as waffles or bagels, are valued more to females than common preys like bread. The prey that has been captured must be alive. If the male toaster was to toast the prey before presenting it to his potential mate, not only would he be rejected on sight, but also devoured alive.[citation needed] Once the male has sufficiently wooed his mate, they will retire to a secluded area to, ahem, procreate.

Toasters and Man

Toaster ranching.psd

Toasters now come primarily from ranches, like this one pictured here.

Man and toasters have had a long and illustrious history, often near-symbiotic creatures, each depending on each other for survival. The first ever domestication of a toaster occurred in Ancient Rome, where on a mosaic in Vesuvius there is shown a man and his pet toaster. As the industrial revolution brought about the destruction of many habitats of different animals, the toaster habitat one of them. Toasters dwindled in the wild, until there were no more left. However, toasters were saved from extinction by an Englishman named L. Ron Hubbard, who preferred toast in the morning with the butter side down. An enterprising man, L. Ron saw the potential in the toaster as livestock. He quickly set up a toaster ranching empire. This not only saved toasters from utter doom, but humans of all walks of life could now own a loving pet.[4] Toaster ranches were a lucrative way to make money, and in the frontiers of America from 1800 to 1850 self-styled toasterboys tamed the ole west. Now, toasters are raised in Texas alone, which make its chief export. Movie directors saw the glory in that old way of life, and "toaster westerns" make up a principal part of American culture.

See Also

References

  1. Except for those emaciated black kids in Africa, who are so poor they can't afford a latrine.
  2. Only the species Toasterus angleterri preys on these.
  3. like you
  4. Toaster-related deaths claim at least 43.4% of American lives each year, but toasters are still lovable. Trust us.
Personal tools
projects