Toast
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| You know what they say, All Toasters Toast Toast! |
This Article is being monitered by the Toastbusterz. We just don't have a life. Should this article make any wrong moves, we won't care.
“I'M MELTING!!!”
~ Butter on toast
“Lovely Stuff.”
~ Poached Egg on Toast
“All Your Toast Are Belong To Us”
~ CATS on Toast
“Toast is the cause of Al Qaeda, 9/11, and the reason that everything tastes purple.”
~ George Bush on Toast
“The worst fucking piece of bread I ever had.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Toast
“Super Toast!”
~ Professor Membrane on Toast
“Toast is bread put in a toaster oven”
~ Captain Obvious on Toast
“Y'know what they say, all toasters toast toast!”
~ Mario on Toast
“Butterd Toast............(Laughs Reatardedly)”
~ Ed from Ed, Edd n Eddy on Toast
“Toast is pretty sexy”
~ I came on Toast
“How'd it get burned? How'd it get burned? HOW'DIGA BURNED?! HOWDIGABUUURRNEDDD?!!”
~ Nicolas Cage to his wife on his last two slices of breakfast bread
Toast is a life form under the species name 'dinosaurus butteronburntbreadus'. Every day thousands of innocent slices of toast lose their lives in a buttery fury of consumption by larger species. Toast has also been linked to the mysterious disappearances of certain famous people. Certain parties and organisations have done all they can to ensure every Big Brother "celebrity" gets to ingest some of the buttery stuff.
Contents |
[edit] The Invention of Toast
Toast is widely believed to have been invented in 2009(repeating of course) by Edward Toast, a close friend of Sir Francis Sausage, who invented bacon. In 1244, Toast attempted to warm up his bread. The resulting explosion destroyed his home, the bread, and most of the neighborhood. Toast repeated the experiment in 1272.74 (repeating) using a controlled flame (he used a flamethrower the first time) and did the experiment outside. He succeeded in warming up his bread, but it also came with an unexpected other effect. The flame burnt the bread slightly, browning it and making it crunchy. Mmmm.. crunchy. Two days later, Toast went to the patent office to patent his new invention, but was told that he could not patent food. He left and three days later with a contraption which he called a "toaster". The first toaster was simply a metal grid which was heated and which you placed bread upon to cook. The patent office accepted his claim this time and by 1300 Toast had become a millionaire selling his toasters. However, in 1322, a man who was using his toaster accidentally "toasted" his hand, and ended up suing Toast. Toast lost $999,999 and 99⅞ cents or 9999999 pennies. He ended up dying in 1336 poor and depressed, although his spirit lives on in frozen Kool Aid.
The equation for Toast is Toast = Toaster x Bread
This message brought to you by Dee Spanish Society
[edit] Commonly Asked Questions on Toast
Q:You know how when you put bread in a toaster and you get toast back?, where does the bread go?
A:It is infact true that toast and bread are completely different substances and there is no such technology that could tansform a substance into a completely different substance. After intense research, dismanteling, inguring, and cussing realating to the common houshold device known as the toaster. We discoverd infact that toasters actually telleport the bread to the INBB (international bank of bread) Where greedy jewish bankers stockpile the valuable bread and remberse you with the garbage known as toast.
Q:HOW'D IT GET BURNED?
A:I don't know.
or
A:We burnt it on purpose, and soon we're gonna burn you too.
Q:How can I get toast in a restaurant?
A:Order a chicken salad sandwich but ask for it with no mayo, no lettuce, with the bread toasted, and hold the chicken salad.
Q:What is bread?
A:Raw toast.
Q:What is toast?
A:Bread thats done.
Q:What's a toaster?
A:A special oven for for bread.
Q:Can I make toast in an oven?
A:Only if it's a toaster oven.
Q:It's like that?
A:And that's the way it is.
Q:Who is the coolest person to eat toast?
A:Elwood Blues. Without a doubt.seriously.
Q:Who inveted toast?
A:That is a tale to tell. First there was God and he made man, God said, "I am AWSOME and ALMIGHTY!!!! So you must offer the best of your bread to ME!!!!" Thus man looked up and said, "FUCK YOU!!!!! YOU CAN HAVE YOUR DAMN BREAD!!!!" So man set out to cheat God, and created the toaster oven, putting Gods perfect bread in the oven, he made toast. So God didn't want his nasty bread anymore.
[edit] Uses in Medicine
If toast is left beneath a couch for long enough, it will become so condensed that it can actually cut diamond. Toast becomes a substance capable of molecular fission if left unattended for 60 years. Of course, this has captivated many scientists and surgeons, who needed a substance that can cut through virtually anything and leave no dents or jagged edges. Toast is used to slice through metal trapping people in plane accidents, to protect small dogs from the harsh weather, and it serves as a powerful fuel for lightsabers. One man, Albert Pretrokovovsky, credits Edward Toast as being his personal savior as an ancient slice of toast helped him slice his way out of the stomach of Mechagodzilla and later the Tin Man.
Either that or the toast will mutate into an evil being and sneak out from under you bed to molest you and several children in your neighborhood.
See also things you can put on toast.
[edit] Toast when dipped in water
Toast is actually molecularly superior to humans. This is proved by the "waterus dippus" theory, this theory is that when humans are dipped in water, we just become wet and will eventually drip dry. However when toast is dipped in water it acts as a sponge and absorbs the water until it is about 3 times as heavy as its original toast state. this means that if toast was left in water for longer then 8 hours that single piece of toast could make the earth drop out of its gravitational orbit just because of its absorbed "wet weight" causing the whole population of humans on earth to simultaneously say "wow".
Humans may also say World Of Warcraft or "Wow" when toast is used as bait for the toast shark of indonesia because obviously that person fishing for that shark is stupid enough to believe this article.
[edit] Currency
Toast is used as currency in many countries including Middle Earth. Buttered is worth turd to the normal plain slice of toast when sperm is considered high wealth. In the United states of America (formerly known as Bushland) it is a widely known fact that all paper currency is backed up with large amounts of gold in Fort Knox. This of course, is a total lie, as Rupert Grint found out during the filming of National treasure III; Lincoln's dirty thong, whence he and his sidekick monkey Herbert break into the infamous Fort Knox in search of Lincoln's dirty thong, only to find that all of the US of A's currency is backed up by toast instead of gold, and the infamous thong is really a life size figurine of Willam Brinley playing Quiddich as a Seeker.
It should also be noted that Iceland uses toast as a secondary currency. It is not, however nearly as valuable as their as their main currency, which is mainly made up of pebbles and pictures of gay midget porn.
[edit] In Poetry
People 'cross the country
From coast to coast
They always ask me
What I like most
I don't want to brag
I don't want to boast
I always tell 'em
I like toast
YEAH! TOAST!
There's no secret
To toasting perfection
There's a dial on the side
and you make your selection
Push it to the dark
or the light and then
if it pops to soon
Press down again.
Make Toast!
YEAH! TOAST!!
[Quote: The great Mark Assley Junior]
[edit] Preparation
First, place in toaster. That's the easy part. Then, bring out a fleshlight for oncoming grues, who are attracted by the delicious smell of burning toast. By the time the first grue attacks, you should have killed it, and realise that the toast is burning. Then you make it pop out by pulling the magical switch up, and go "awww" when you see that your toast is freaking pitch black. From there you should throw a fit and kill someone, like your mom. Then you realise it wasn't worth it, butter the toast and stick it in your pants. Bon appetit.
