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The Republic of the Theocratic Dictatorship Of Titonia
|Motto: Giants Sceptrum Super Pagenses|
|Anthem: Rule Titonia by El Presidente|
|Official language(s)||Russian Reversal, Geordie, Swearing inter-lingo|
|‑ Supreme Chancellor||Fophillips|
|Average temperature||189 °C|
|Maximum temperature||−22 °C|
|Ethnic groups||Chinese, Canadians, Jews, Bears, and some Cheese-eating surrender purple monkeys|
|National Hero(es)||El Presidente|
|Major exports||Foreigners, and The French|
|Major imports||Immigrants, Nukes, Mis-Placed Nukes and Potatoes|
|Command and Conquer, Tetris, World Domination|
From all over the world, empires have rose and fallen. The Roman Empire was destoyed by Germans, the Japanese Empire was destroyed by the Americans and the British Empire (The coolest one) just sort of faded with time. The Titonian Empire is expanding its horizons and has invaded anyone who is seen as threatening or boring. El Presidente Tito and Supreme Chancellor Fophillips have revolutionised Titonia. This is best shown in the National Anthem which was ripped of by the British Royalty for their navy.
Rule Cruel Titonia,
Titonia rules the
Titonians never never never shall be slaves Tito Fuckin' Rocks!!
For military battle history see Section 7 of The Royal Bear Force or for military departments see section 3 of this article.
edit The People Of Titonia
This section is best read in a David Attenborough type of voice
edit MalesThe typical male Titonian will vary due to his class in the social hierarchy. The lower working class male will speak in a Geordie accent or in Russian Reversal. In the winter months (September - July) the males will express their dominance by growing hair all over their face in an attempt to impress the lower working class females. The middle class male speaks in the same tone of voice at all times and shows little or no expression on their faces. Unlike the working class males, the middle class males express their dominance by going for extended periods of time without blinking. Upper class Titonian males do not speak but will do so if the conversation of gin or stocks and shares is brought up. A little known fact about upper class males is that in hopital they will prefer to have a contant supply of gin dripped into veins rather than dialysis.
Females in Titonia are al stunningly beautiful due to the Ali G policy of "more fit birds", women not considered to be beautiful are exported to the "land of disgust" or in the common tongue France. Titonian women are divided into two groups. The Guild Of Ninjas, Assassins and Defilers or G.O.N.A.D. and the housewives that stay in the kitchen where they belong. The G.O.N.A.D. pride themsevles on two things; the way in which they killed their last victim and tyring to use as much irony in everyday conversations.
edit Praetitan Guard
These are the loyal bodyguard of El Presidente and the Supreme Chancellor that willingly give their lives to defend them and often give their lives just to prove their loyalty. This was best displayed on 27/27/2727 when a legion of praetitons charged the faulty calendar manufacturers machine guns with no body armour just to prove their loyalty.
This is the main army of Titonia that has slaughtered any who face them and maintain their loyalty because Titonia has the largest honey supply in the world please see section 7 of the Royal Bear Force for the full climactic battles.
edit Secret Agents
The Titonian Secret Agency is comprised entirely of monkeys with tape recorders. you may think that the tape recorders are not neccessary, however, without listening to a constant stream of the mission impossible tune, their warrenties void and tend to turn into moronic animals. The monkeys have been known to operate on the James Bond theme tune but don't last for very long.
edit Law and Order
Law in Titonia has often been described as "absurd" and unfair but our
bribed judges work 24 hours a day to make sure tht the minorities are disgraced, abused and thrown in jail by the book. The dummies guide to Law gave it 7/10.
- It's illegal to pee on government property.
- Thinking of something on the restricted thought list is punishable by firing squad.
(firing squad is the punishment of firing police squads at the condemmed)
- Suicide is punishable by hanging.
- Treason is illegal.
- Mock the praetitan guard at your own risk.
- Moustashes not cut to required length wil be violently removed with garden shears
edit Secret Police
The secret police patrol the cities listening for communists and revloutionaries that may want to take power. The Secret Police are having limited effectiveness this year, theories to the cause of this is the large "Official Member Of The Secret Police" badge. however no conclusive evidence has risen.
The police believe the key to success is to copy famous police seen on tv and in movies as a result they all speak like Inspector Cluso, inspect like Sherlock Holmes, dive through the air in slow motion to shoot stuff like any action hero and always say "whats all this then" when entering a room.
Judges in Titonia are merceless and give execution sentences for any crime higher than littering. In the case of Everyone vs. Everyone else, Judge Boris Van Morris saw that the lawyer for eveyone put up a poor fight against the lawyer of everyone else and everyone was executed and everyone else was fined 300,000,000 Titonites each. (Everyone else is upper class males)
Warning! This section contains an overuse of the word "civilised" it will not appear often enough to explode your head but will appear enough to explode your brain within your skull allowing your brains to leak out of ears while your skull remains intact
edit Civil War
During the rare time in Titonia where the armed forces were at peace with the world, the kodiak bears of the Royal Bear Force were watching an episode of South Park, Lieutenant Grizzly ordered Sergeant Grizzlington to change the channel as the episode in question was a re-run. Lieutenant Grizzly insisted that it was new and refused to stand down. General Paddington commanded the re-run forces and General Pooh commanded the new forces. After 9 minutes of intense fighting, negotiations broke out. The new forces demanded that they watch the episode in peace and the re-run forces demand that he new forces admit that they were wrong. After mass debates and a quick brawl amongst the embassadors, phrases such as "why cannot you commit?" and "you dont appreciate anything I do!" were exclaimed. The re-run forces surrendered after 12 minutes of war and went to the local pub where another civil war broke out after a disagreement of what the "Offside Rule" is.
edit Civilian War
This is the war amongst the civilians of Foptropolis and Pavinograd this category is not to be confused with the Civil-Ian war which was a disagreement amongst the blokes called Ian about who was the most civilised. The Civilian War (Often referred to as the battle of Nerdathon) was a climactic fight amongst the fans of Star Trek (Foptropolis) and Star Wars (Pavinograd). It took place in Wars/Trek-fest 2000
edit Civilised War
This was the fight between the Courageous Civilised Cavalry Platoon (CCCP). The CCCP is comprised of four riders:-
- The other one
As the most busy pair, Death and War teamed together against Famine (Who hasn't striked since the Helsinki episode of 1903) and the other one (who nobody seems to know what it is) The end result is that Death gt a tear in his robe and spent the rest of the war mending it, and War fell into a paradox of overseeing a war he was fighting.
edit Civilisation War
ATLANTIS v EGYPT Atlantis was fed up of being underwater and so wet all the time, Egypt was fed up of living in a dry desert. It should have occurred to them to trade, but it didn't. They went to war where Egypt drained atlantis dry with a giant sponge and Atlantis flooded Egypt with 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 Super Soaker 9000 rainforest deluxes. There were no casualties on either side, so essentially it was a trade but for legal reasons it will be referred to as a war.
edit Uncivilised War
Before the reign of Tito I, the ruler Titonius Rex III fought battles by running across the borders of two territories or people of uneasy peace and spreading rumours. This was done with:
- Yorkshire and Lancashire
- Ohio and Michigan
- Germany and France
- Italy and France
- Spain and France
- Scots and other Scots