Titanic
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“Mr. Sulu, full steam ahead and fuck all the icebergs.”
~ Captain's Log on Titanic 1912
“I want to swim away but I don't know how, sometimes it feels just like I'm falling in the ocean.”
~ Blue October on Titanic
“Shit. I can't swim.”
~ the final words of the captain of the Titanic
“Ach, don't worry. Global Warming will melt any icebergs”
~ Oscar Wilde on Titanic
“The reason the Titanic sank was because it was built by Protestants. If Catholics had built it, it would've eaten the fucking iceberg”
~ Tommy Tiernan on religion
“I believe you may get your headline, Mr. Ismay”
~ The Captain speaking to Mr. Ismay after being found by the press, spooning each other in bed.
“Jews sunk the Titanic! What? Oh, Iceberg, Greenberg, same difference...”
~ This Guy on The Titanic. Of course, he wasn't actually ON it. That would be ludicrous
“Thanks for letting me draw you naked. I still can't believe you did that!”
~ Jack Dawson on dying on a boat
“I Think There was a leak.”
“I am so out of here!!!!.”
~ Otto von Bismark on Escaping the Titanic
Titanic (correctly spelled it sank) (also Latin for iceberg) is a retelling of that ancient Egyptian it sank fable by Ernest Hemingway, "The Little Boat That Sank". The original tale was about an iceberg that, while sailing through the Atlantic, accidently collided with a gigantic boat and sank. Apparently this made the iceberg so angry it decided to drag the boat down with it. In the original, the boat didn't sink, but when Hollywood created their it sank block-buster movie, they decided to make a few changes.
The first known Titanic film was filmed back in the early days of it sank Hollywood cinema in 1997. The original take of the film had the two principal actors Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet arriving in it sank Finland, but as a joke the director decided to film an alternative ending in which the ship it sank.However,in real life the Titanic(and Hindenburg)were stolen by the Grox from Spore,yo.They are now the Grox'x sea and air vessels.
An unsuccessful attempt was made by Paul von Hindenburg, the current president of Germany, to save the titanic. See the Hindenburg disaster for more information.
It is a little known fact that Guy Harris was surfing behind the mighty liner shortly before it parked up beside the iceberg.
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[edit] History
In 1912, the far looking director of the Black Star Line, Ernest Borgnine, decided to build three ships that looked like his dick. To reinforce how large he thought his wanker was, he named the three Olympic (as his dick could compete in the Olympics and win), Titanic, and Gigantic (later renamed Britannic as he was castrated for his involvement in the sinking of Titanic) As was the fashion at the time, the boat was made of marshmallow with Graham cracker reinforcements and holes in the side for the oars, chocolate and cannon mounts. Due to the extreme lightness of the marshmallow, the ship was pronounced "unsinkable" (which is a strange way to say "Titanic", but the English have odd accents).
Later that year, the Titanic made its maiden voyage (the maidens were to be delivered to Afghanistan to be sold into slavery. It is thought that the fact that Afghanistan is land-locked may have contributed to the ship's demise). The voyage took it past the Bermuda Triangle (often thought to have caused the downfall of Vanilla Ice), which is known for its abundance of crayfish. These crayfish eat plankton, krill, the occasional local native, and manganese nodules which are found on the seabed. Manganese is a ferromagnetic substance, which is why most of the crayfish are magnetised (this is why you find them in large conga lines at the bottom of the ocean). Occasionally, these lines of crayfish double back on themselves, and create loops. Once these get up to speed, the rotating magnetic field can cause significant inductive heating and structural failure in nearby metal. Unfortunately, the Titanic was floating over one of these so called "lobster twirls", the structural supports gave way, and the marshmallow collapsed into the water. People say that the surrounding water was syrupy for days.
The prospect of there ever being a 'Titanic II' - alternative titles included 'The Ship That Wouldn't Sink' and 'The Boobtaculous Adventures of Kate Winslet and her Gay, Monkey-Loving Matey Leo' - is scarce since both Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet were killed in a double-murder-suicide after Leo caught Kate making out with director James Cameron. Suffice to say, the movie industry has lost three truly great idiots.
There was a rapping dog on the Titanic. Much better then a naked Kate Winslet.
[edit] Conspiracy Theories
In the days following the Titanic disaster, numerous theories concerning the sinking of the ship were proposed. Some said that Kate Winslet had put on a lot of weight; but it was more likely that it was either Ellen Degeneres or Fran Drescher. Others said that Leonardo DiCaprio was either gay or acted so horribly that the ship dove underwater to escape. Perhaps the most outlandish suggestion of them all was that the iceberg in the movie was more than a metaphor for growing social consciousness in the newer generation, and may have actually been the cause of the sinking of the first Titanic. This is also claimed by some of the survivors of the wreck (although their opinion shouldn't count since they were too close to the event to see things objectively). It is well known however that high magnetic fields (as would have been present in "lobster twirls") cause unusual effects in the brain, and may have caused them to see hallucinations of an iceberg, when actually it was a very cold Rosie O'Donell. Some people say that there were several icebergs in the area that could have caused it, but this "iceberg conspiracy theory" holds no water, unlike the wreck of the Titanic, which is still soggily floating in bits and pieces on the oceans of the world. The Tit-anic is truly a global phenomenon. Legend holds, that if you utter the word "Tit-anic" three times into an mirror, you'll look like Richard Simmons.
Many suspect that one possible cause for the Titanic's unexpected demise was the "penis theory". This theory is that Jack tried to have sex with one of the larger port holes but was surprised when the bulk of his Penis actually ended up causing a rather tragic breach in the hull of the ship. We also suspect that the Titanic was not flooded conventionally with a normal water related sinking. But instead in the sheer ecstasy of the moment it was Jacks sperm that flooded the ship. He moaned so loud people thought that the Titanic hit an iceberg. The damage was too extensive and the great ship sank, claiming many souls, including Jacks. The moral of the story is that any hole is NOT a goal.
The Misfits are also often times blamed for the incident, since everything bad always connects back to them.
There is also a conspiracy theory suggesting that the 9/11 disaster was caused, not by terrorists, but by ill-informed rescue teams attempting to speed to the Titanic's aid as quickly as possible.
Yet another alternate view states that the Titanic was in fact attacked by pirates.
The most complex conspiracy theory surrounding the Titanic is probably the Love Boat Theory. According to its proponents, the Titanic was not actually the boat launched from Liverpool that day; instead, under cover of darkness on the night before launch, the ship was surreptitiously switched with the cruise ship Love Boat, which had been brought back from the future by Marty McFly and Doc Brown after being equipped with an enormous flux capacitor and engines capable of achieving 88 knots. The Love Boat's hull was painted black and the name TITANIC attached to the prow with stick-on letters from Home Depot so that no one would notice the switch. The plan was to sink the ersatz Titanic on its maiden voyage before it arrived in New York. (Even in 1912, New Yorkers watched a lot of television, creating a risk that the switch would be detected.)
The conspirators were said to have sunk the ship to create a legendary mystique around the Titanic, and upon returning to the future, sell a lot of movie tickets and all sorts of other Titanic-based crap, culminating in the sale of the actual Titanic itself, which, fitted with the flux capacitor from the Love Boat, was to be taken to the future and displayed as the Titanic's "lost sister ship," the Ptitanic (the name change was to be achieved with some stick-on P's from Home Depot). Unfortunately Biff, the evil seaman, took a piss in the flux capacitor's control circuits at a crucial moment as the ship was about to travel into the future, and its temporal arrival point has never been determined. Some say it arrived in the distant past and became an ark for dinosaurs in a futile attempt to save them from extinction; others maintain that it wound up in the far future and scared the hell out of Captain Picard, who was wading off the coast of France to clean the grape squeezings off his feet. No one knows for certain. This conspiracy theory has much to recommend it, aside from the obvious fact of being fucktard insane.
The sinking of the Titanic is also one of the many things that has been blamed on the mysterious and elusive John Q. Public.
[edit] Popular rumours
Many people believe that it was in fact the TARDIS that sank the Titanic though she was not badly damaged the sinking was as many survivors say was done by an extremely fat retard who was weighing down the front of the ship by trying to look out for jam filled cream pies that had floated down from the polo mint icing sugar caps and in stead of jumping for the ice burg he go the cream pies.
Kate Winslet and Barbara Stanwyck had both fallen in love with Leonardo DiCaprio and were fighting on the main deck rolling over and over, first one on top of the other then the other - they crashed into the Wheel Room - Kate Winslet was sitting on top of Barbara repeatedly bashing her. This distracted the staff in the engine room. While pulling Kate off Barbara they failed to steer clear of the Iceberg. The fight continued as the Captain and crew struggled to deal with the aftermath, it went into the Marconi room - Barbara threw 2 of her stilettos, one of which took out a Marconi Wireless operator. Kate then let rip some dreadful fartium which put the only other person able to operate the Marconi into a coma. The fight ended as Barbara was thrown into the engine, which exploded. On her way back Kate bumped into Leonardo, who started banging her. It was so vigorous that they breached one of the bulkheads damaged in the collision with the iceberg, and the Titanic went down.
[edit] =Quotes
“I have had it with these motherfuckin' icebergs in this motherfuckin' ocean”
~ Samuel L. Jackson on Titanic
“Even when you're dead I will be still alive”
~ GLaDOS on titanic
“My muscles are bigger than the Titanic ever was - FACT”
“We're gonna get to the bottom with it.”
- ~ Scientists on Titanic
“Now why would there be icebergs in the middle of April?”
“Because it was near Greenland! Which I think is also called Iraq.”
~ George W. Bush on Al Gore and the rest of the Democrats
“Since we are unsinkable we'll do a favour to the other ships: If we come across any icebergs we'll destroy them by ramming!”
~ Captain of the Titanic on sea traffic safety
“In case the ship hits an iceberg and is to sink, try to reach the lifeboats as quickly as possible”
~ Evacuation plan for the first class passengers of the Titanic
“In case the ship hits an iceberg and is to sink, try to reach the iceberg as quickly as possible”
~ Evacuation plan for the second and third class passengers of the Titanic
“In case the ship hits an iceberg and is to sink, position gun under chin”
~ Evacuation plan for fourth class passengers of the Titanic
“In case the ship hits an iceberg and is to sink, just go ahead and die”
~ Evacuation plan for stowaways
“They're coming out of the Goddamn walls!”
~ Private Hudson on The Titanic flooding with water
“Garbage Day!”
~ The Iceberg before sinking the ship
“Smell ice can ya? Bleedin' Christ”
~ Random Cockney crew member of the Titanic
“I just want you to know, were all counting on you”
~ Airplane! Doctor strangely on board the Titanic.
[edit] The bright side
It is widely agreed that one of the many merits of the ship's untimely end is the demise of the most unpleasant actor in the history of cinematography.
[edit] Alternate Ending
One alternative view states that the SS Venture happened to be making its way from Skull Island in the Indian Ocean to New York City when they came across the Titanic heading toward the iceberg. King Kong, who was being transported, heard the cries for help and woke up. He saw Kate Winslet on board the Titanic and mistook her for Naomi Watts, so he jumped off, swam over to the iceberg and just as the ship was about to hit it, pushed against the great hull of the boat with all his might while with his feet pushed against the iceberg. The ship's striking of the iceberg was avoided and Kong was made a hero. Unfortunately, he grabbed Kate Winslet and went to the top of the smokestack, where he was gunned down by fighter planes. And bla bla bla!alex le dice a orlando q lo ama con todo su bichoson
The sinking of the Titanic has been claimed by several groups, including (but not limited to), the IRA, the APA, and ABBA. All of whom had egg on their face after it was revealed that the whole thing was a hoax perpetrated by Justin Lee Collins for the Friday Night Project
[edit] Movie
(SPOILER ALERT) - The ship sinks.
The story of the Titanic was retold in the Hollywood classic Under Seige with Steven Segal.
[edit] Artist's Rendition of the Titanic by Mahatma Gandhi
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Bold textTHE MAIN CAUSE FOR THE SINKING OF THE TITANIC!
one thing that many people do not know is that the titanic was incredibly full up with fat rich b******s and it is because of this that the titanic sunk because as soon as the largest man stepped on that boat it was surely doomed. too much weigt basically.
