"Shh, don't tell Josef!"

If you mean Tintin the nubile child star, try Thunderbirds instead.

Tintin is a be-quiffed comics and cartoon character created by noted fascist Herge. He and his Aryan dog Snowy ignited children's imaginations worldwide with their rip-roaring adventures, which generally involved rooting out sneaky globalists and putting silly darkies in their place. Tintin is believed to have been the pioneer of the dogging practice, and he was definitely the first doggist to go public with his exploits.


Herge was born in 1907, the twelfth child of two mud farmers in France. Whilst out bringing in the harvest one morning in 1926, Herge was delighted to discover a time machine lodged in the outhouse. He used the machine, which had once belonged to an obscure British TV star, to embark on a series of escapades throughout history. He is widely believed responsible for the sinking of the Titanic, the Pol Pot regime, and the conception of Jade Goody. His life of crime came to an ignominious end, however, when his time machine broke in 1930s Belgium, which — let's be honest — was not a great time nor place to hang around, especially coming after the Roaring Twenties.

Embittered, Herge began drawing deeply sarcastic drawings of a ginger kid and his ill-behaved dog savaging ethnic minorities, so he could throw them at old people. However, the cartoons became instantly popular, and after earning a sponsorship from the Teutonic Gentlemen's Concern for the Betterment of Ethnically-Responsible Europe, he began churning out adventures of the blue-sweatered rapscallion in earnest. After WWII ended, Herge fled to Argentina, where he lived until his death in the 1970s.



Tintin, upon hearing about the fall of Berlin.

Tintin himself was a fairly neutral (but insufferably prissy) character, his slightly bland remarks about the ubermensch and ethnic cleansing acting as a foil for his eccentric friends. Chief amongst these was the lovable Captain Haddock, a cognitively-challenged alcoholic who hilariously masturbated in public and wept quietly whenever the action lagged. Tintin often used the abusive antics of the Captain to distract enemies whilst he retrieved prison keys and emeralds. A fixture from the early days of the comic, Herge caused controversy by having Haddock choke to death on his own vomit in The Red Sea U-Boats, although most fans agreed it was quite funny.

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Tintin.

Two other returning characters of note were Minister Goebbels and General Rommel; Goebbels and Rommel were often used as slapstick interludes inbetween scenes, murdering Slavs and committing widespread genocide in Eastern Europe whilst engaging in witty banter. Much of the humour stemmed from the fact you couldn't tell them apart, except for their moustaches.

Doctor Calculator was a rather more serious character, inserted into the comic under the behest of the Belgian Education Authority. His never-ending discourse on how much maths was fun made him an unpopular character, which was probably why the elderly gentleman was on the receiving end of so much violence, mostly from Captain Haddock. By the end of the series his eyes had been put out by a glass bottle and his ears ripped off by Snowy, which made his attempts to fend off people trying to put out cigarette butts out in his mouth much more entertaining.


Tintin after the war.

NB: It should be noted that Doctor Calculator is only known by this name in English speaking countries. His original name (in French) is Doctor Tournesol, which actually translates as Torn Arsehole in English and refers to his rampant desire for sadomasochism with stern women. Obviously, as such practices were illegal in the UK and Ireland during the time of the original translations, his original name would have made the books unpublishable, so an equally derisory name was chosen. Likewise, the following books which revolved around Doctor Tournesol's anal exploits were never translated: Tintin and the Missing V2, "Tintin and the Ratte" ,'Tintin meets Lenin", Tintin and the Mobile U-Boat Pen and the world-renowned Tintin and the Nazi Fist of Domination. However Doctor Tornarsehole Takes it Up the Arse from SM Nuns escaped the censor's pen without any changes.


It has been speculated that Tintin is not gay because of his contact with women and very odd hairstyle. No gay man would be caught dead with a hairstyle like that, which is attributable to being a fundamentalist Christian, and having no aesthetic taste whatsoever. Unfortunately, Snowy may have been the target of his tawdry passions instead, which may explain the poor canine's problems with glue sticks and enema hoses in later life.

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