Tintin

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Tintin2

"Shh, don't tell Josef!"

If you mean Tintin the nubile child star, try Thunderbirds instead.

“Aww, those Nazis!”
~ Tintin

Tintin Adolf Finglefauer Goldstein McNazi was the gay lover of Erwin Rommel and was a be-quiffed cartoon character created by noted fascist Herge. He and his Aryan dog Snowy ignited children's imaginations worldwide with their riproaring adventures, which generally involved rooting out sneaky Jews and exterminating black people. Snowy is not to be confused with a dog, although he was romantically linked to Lassie in later years. Tintin is believed to have been the pioneer of the dogging practice, and he was definately the first doggist to go public with his exploits.

edit Early Years

Herge was born in 1469, the twelfth child of a couple of mud farmers in medieval China. He spent his gestational years carving swastikas into his mothers uterus and building what is believed to be the worlds first placental concentration camp. Whilst out bringing in the faeces harvest one morning, Herge was delighted to discover a time machine lodged in the outhouse. He used the machine, which had once belonged to an obscure British TV star, to embark on a series of escapades throughout history. He is widely believed responsible for the sinking of the Titanic, the Pol Pot regime, authorship of the Zombie Sound of Music and the conception of Jade Goody after a tawdry affair with Mavis Wilton. His life of crime came to an ignominous end, however, when his time machine broke in 1930s Belgium, which-let's be honest- was never a great time nor place to hang around. He was imprisoned in Subsaharan Uzbekistan for soliciting the sale of poppers to minors, which he claimed was for the purposes of loosing up their tight virgin ringpieces for his own sick gratification.

Embittered, Herge began drawing deeply sarcastic drawings of a ginga kid and his ill-behaved dog savaging ethnic minorities, so he could throw them at old people. However, the cartoons became instantly popular, and after earning a sponsorship from the Teutonic Gentlemen's Concern For The Betterment of Ethnically Responsible Europe, Herge began churning out adventures of the blue-sweatered rapscallion in earnest. Nonetheless, business started going downhill, and he had to start working as a prostitute. As a result, he became pregnant and had eight children, who later became the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Tintin also had three sons which he produced from Queen Elizabeth the Second (also known as the White Whore of Britannia).

Eventually, when WWII ended, he fled to Argentina, then Paraguay, before his death in the 1970's.

edit Definition of Tintin

The definition of Tintin would actually mean penis not the actually Nazi. Tintin is named after this guy who has the biggest dick in the world that is still holding the FTW Guinness universe universe records.

edit Characters

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Tintin, upon hearing that Colonel Trout had decided to become a mincing paedophile, and hence no longer required his services as a gigolo

Tintin himself was a fairly neutral (but insufferably prissy) character showing great interest in the action of being knocked inconscious from blows to the head or chloroform, his slightly bland remarks about the ubermensch and ethnic cleansing acting as a foil for his eccentric friends. Chief amongst these was the lovable Colonel Trout, a cognitively challenged alcoholic who hilariously masturbated in public and wept quietly whenever the action lagged. Tintin often used the abusive antics of the Colonel to distract enemies whilst he retrieved prison keys and emeralds.

A fixture from the early days of the comic, Herge caused controversy by having Trout choke to death on his own vomit in The Red Sea U-Boats, although most fans agreed it was quite funny. Three other returning characters of note were Doctor Calculator, Goebbels, and Rumsfeld. Goebbels and Rumsfeld were often used as slapstick interludes in between scenes, murdering Arabs and committing widespread genocide in Eastern Europe whilst engaging in witty banter. Much of the humour stemmed from the fact you couldn't tell them apart, except for their moustaches.

Doctor Calculator was a rather more serious character, inserted into the comic under the behest of the Belgian Education Authority. His never-ending discourse on how much maths was fun made him an unpopular character, which was probably why the elderly gentleman was on the receiving end of so much violence, mostly from Trout. By the end of the series his eyes had been put out by a glass bottle and his ears ripped off by Snowy, which made his attempts to fend off people trying to put out cigarette butts out in his mouth much more entertaining.

NB: It should be noted that Doctor Calculator is only known by this name in English speaking countries. His original name (in French) is Doctor Tournesol, which actually translates as Torn Arsehole in English and refers to his rampant desire for sadomasochism with stern women. Obviously, as such practices were illegal in the UK and Ireland during the time of the original translations, his original name would have made the books unpublishable, so an equally derisory name was chosen. Likewise, the following books which revolved around Doctor Tournesol's anal exploits were never translated: Tintin and the Missing V2, "Tintin and the Ratte" ,'Tintin meets Lenin", Tintin and the Mobile U-Boat Pen and the world-renowned Tintin and the Nazi Fist of Domination. However Doctor Tornarsehole Takes it Up the Arse from SM Nuns escaped the censor's pen without any changes.

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after the war

edit Sexuality

It has been speculated that Tintin is not gay because of his contact with women and very odd hairstyle. No gay man would be caught dead with a hairstyle like that, which is attributable to being a fundamentalist Christian, and having no aesthetic taste whatsoever. Unfortunately, Snowy may have been the target of his tawdry passions instead, which may explain the poor canine's problems with glue sticks and enema hoses in later life.

edit See Also

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