Timon and Pumbaa
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Timon and Pumbaa are a homosexual couple and pair of criminals who left Africa to avoid persecution. Both were abused as children, leading them to a life of crime. They have made a few random appearances on film and television. As of now they are likely in the jungle eating bugs, doing their usual retarded antics, and escaping potential punishment by the law.
“Dig a tunnel, di-dig a tunnel! Quick before the hyenas cum!”
On April of 1974, Timon was born as a meerkat in an underground tunnel connected to several other tunnels, which were connected to even more tunnels. More and more tunnels were being dug every day as means of protection from the dirty hyena threat. Timon originally wanted to become an astronaut, but his drug-addicted uncle said "You're not a monkey, so quit trying!". At an early age, Timon was forced to follow in the family business of tunnel-digging.
Despite his uncle's words, Timon stuck to his childhood dream. Due to this (and also because Timon quit school from extensive bullying), Timon kept screwing up, leading to the mass destruction of many tunnels. As a result, Timon was sent off to guard the meerkats from possible predators. For some reason, Timon threw a rock at a plane flying overhead that Chuck Norris just happened to be piloting. The explosion of the plane crash combined with the deadly Roundhouse Kicks of an enraged Chuck put meerkats on the endangered list. Timon decided to leave before the surviving meerkats and/or Chuck chased him with wooden planks.
For his entire childhood, Pumbaa was constantly harassed for his obesity; poked with sticks, used as a trampoline, and clubbed like a baby seal. One day, he wanted revenge, so he decided to let his fury out. Unfortunately, the only thing that came out was a huge fart that turned the Sahara rainforest into the Sahara desert, though it also suffocated everyone who tormented Pumbaa. Over time Pumbaa lost some weight, but he's still a fatass warthog who eats things.
Timon and Pumbaa meet
Timon and Pumbaa met one day in the Serengeti. The two found out that they had a lot in common (like the fact that they both eat bugs), so they fell in love. Timon and Pumbaa eventually got married, had their first honeymoon, and adopted two Taiwanese children. After doing it at a nearby watering hole, the duo then decided to rebel against the world and everyone who shunned them.
Timon and Pumbaa decided to start their new act of rebellion by trying to find potential club members. Eventually, their new club was finally formed. It consisted of other neglected animals who wanted to join Timon and Pumbaa in the rebellion, including Zambeezo the albino black panther, who was constantly harassed by his black family for being a whitey. Timon, Pumbaa, Zambeezo, and the other members committed some of the greatest crimes in Africa. In fact, they had a hand in Mozambique's civil war. Apparently, Timon tried a prank phone call on the president of Mozambique, but after Pumbaa farted loudly into the phone, the president was persuaded into starting a war to ease his anger.
After many crimes, the government sent its forces ordering for Timon, Pumbaa, and their club members to be brought in and killed. The clubhouse was destroyed and many members except Timon and Pumbaa were captured.
Timon and Pumbaa decided that they would have to leave Africa. They decided to go to an airport to catch a leaving plane, and they did so by disguising themselves as humans because no animals were allowed on the planes. Several hours after boarding the now flying plane, their covers were blown when Pumbaa was tempted by the airline food. Being exposed, Pumbaa grew nervous to the near brink of farting. With the plane washrooms occupied, Pumbaa decided to jump out of the plane. Pumbaa suddenly remembered he was afraid of heights, further building up his urge to fart. After an hour of falling, Pumbaa finally let it out right in the middle of Hiroshima. Timon, taking a parachute and an oxygen mask from the plane, landed to congratulate Pumbaa for his rebellious act.
Since then, Timon and Pumbaa have been traveling across the globe, spreading their treachery...and their love. One of their most frequent crimes is throwing wild parties of chaos and destruction as means of spreading horrible migraines to next-door neighbors. Though their worst and most notable crimes involve them eating bugs, bringing several bug species into the brink of extinction. Only the mighty farting stink bug is safe from their unstoppable rampage. The United Nations has frequently discussed Timon and Pumbaa's many crimes and has sent troops on a worldwide search.
Capture and escape
After years of searching, government troops have located Timon and Pumbaa passed out drunk in the basement of an Irish bar. The world celebrated as Timon and Pumbaa were finally hunted down and sent to Alcatraz.
A few days after being locked up, they were sentenced to torture. They watched in horror as one of their cellmates was tied to a chair and the executioner started blowing his vuvuzela. As soon as the cellmate's head exploded, Pumbaa's nervousness caused another huge fart. This one blew a hole through the walls of Alcatraz, killing some prisoners. Timon and Pumbaa ran for their freedom, while armed guards killed the other escapees. Timon and Pumbaa escaped by leaping on the back of Godzilla.
Later Disney career
Timon and Pumbaa are well-known for making guest appearances on Disney's The Lion King, but what many people didn't know was that Timon and Pumbaa weren't originally a part of the movie. In The Lion King's original script, an Ostrich-ninjapirate was supposed to kick Simba off a cliff and into the ocean. Simba would then wake up stranded on an island filled with vicious Flying Burritos, so he needed to become tough by watching Rambo in order to survive. He then makes a boat made of black licorice and rides it back to Pride Rock. Scar then gets huffed to death by his hyena minions after being defeated by Simba in a Yo momma contest.
The filmmakers of The Lion King found out that the scriptwriter was inhaling crack, so they needed an alternative. Timon and Pumbaa just happened to bust into the Disney Studio trying to get away from the cops. And that's how they earned their careers on Disney. Also, the phrase "Hakuna Matata" was actually a quote from Random Quotes Guy, who happened to be working for Disney at the time. Timon and Pumbaa stole it as their catchphrase, and they don't really know what it means. Pumbaa thinks "Hakuna Matata" means "Platypus" in Chinese. Timon thought it was Spanish for "I'm gonna pee on myself!".
Their whereabouts today
Today, it is unknown what has become of Timon and Pumbaa. Sources say that they are most likely dead, hiding in the dark crevices of Disneyland, or inhaling bugs and marijuana in the jungle. Some sources say that Timon and Pumbaa are stuck inside a tree and may not come out until 2090. So far nobody has interacted with them, only having occasionally sighted them. When they are captured, they are planned to be imprisoned for life in the Zoological Prison Complex. If you have seen these nefarious criminals, please call (188)370-2685 or (188)370-Hakunamatata.