From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
“I'm sorry. the flux capacitor isn't working right now; I expect it to be fixed by yesterday”
“If I had a time machine I would go back in time to bang Marty McFly's mum”
The Time Machine was invented by
Dr. Horin Doc Brown (it's always a mad scientist), November 5th, 2005. By combining knowledge of Einstein's Special Theory of USB and Superman's ability to fly around the sun backwards at incredible rates, Brown constructed an ant colony called a flux capacitor which, at the speed of 88 MPH, was able to propel any experimental over 9000BC vehicle through time, though only to years ending in 5.
At first mostly used by uninspired scifi-authors, time machines are currently in use by individuals, governments and organizations to change history to alter public opinion and to gather funds in the form of future lottery numbers, game scores and horse race results.
Catholic reaction to the device was cold at best, and it was immediately banned by Pope Marcellus, until McFly traveled back in time to kill the Pope's mother, Sarah Connor. (NOT EVEN CLOSE) In the process, McFly changed his name to Calvin Klein, married his father, and fathered eccentric actor Crispin Glover.
H.G. Wells, a British author, attempted to repair the timeline damage caused by McFly, but because his one-off, homemade time machine had a station flaw (it was immobile except for travel through time), Wells was only able to travel to a future Britain, where the people proved to be ignorant of McFly, Jean Claude Van Damme, Rod Taylor, Bill & Ted, Dr. Evil, Captain Kirk, Billy Pilgrim, or any other noteworthy time travelers, except for Prince Poppycock.
In 2038, Al Gore claimed he invented the Time Machine, and had the patents to prove it. The first to use the new Gore Time Machine was a young rabbit named Donnie Darko. After the Time Machine aided Darko hook up with Jena Malone, the United States government saw potential for the device, which could allow major motion picture makers to utilize it to add a plot to movies with weak scripts, and episodes of "Star Trek: The Next Generation","Star Trek: Deep Space Nine", and "Star Trek: Voyager" (see Holodeck).
Douglas de la Haye would later create the first time machine that was able to operate without a flux capacitor.
There have been many holders of the Time Machine patent. Although, the cat says meow and the dog says woof woof, that does not mean that there was a time machine. This is because one can simply go back before the first patent was made. The current patent holder is some dude named "Calvin". Note: Not to be confused with Alvin. (See below) This article has just traveled through time, and has reached its quota for the day.
The original keeper of the patent was a man known as Jesus. Mr. Christ held onto the patent until one day his semitic neighbor broke into his house and stole all of his shit. It is quoted in the Holy Bible that "Jesus wept, because someone snatched his time machine," which totally sucked for Jesus.
Further time machine patent difficulties have arisen as a result of individuals coming from the future and allowing unpatented time machines with unique technologies to be used by contemporary people. In 2039, George Carlin brought a phone-booth configured time machine back from the future and allowed San Dimas, California, residents Ted "Theodore" Logan and Bill S. Preston, Esq. to have what they considered to be an "excellent adventure," that resulted in widespread timeline damage that took nearly ten years (6.7 seconds relativistic time) to correct. Bill later changed his name to Alvin when he, Ted "Theodore" Logan, and Simon Garfunkel (not to be confused with Paul Simon and Art Garfunkel) formed The Chipmunks. Their pitch shifted style would have only been novel 50 years ago, but just sucks today, so they traveled back to 2005 to produce their music. They disappeared in the late '2030s after meeting themselves and George Carlin and will reappear in the future to produce songs that will bring world peace. The movie, The Chipmonks' Excellent Adventure was based on their 2039 meeting with themselves.A "doctor," sometimes referred to as "Who," also brought a phone-booth configured time machine back from not only the future, but from a planet called "Gallifrey." The individual, who also claimed to be a "Time Lord," failed to properly register his device with the appropriate government agencies, leading to rampant patent and copywrong infringement by Chinese and Korean bootleggers. When questioned, George W. Bush declined to comment on the surprising proceedings.
The most popular time machine for girls is a Hello Kitty themed Portable time machine, known as the Time Machine Baby. Girls have used this to learn secrets about each other and become even bitchier than was ever thought possible
Attempts to Change the Past, or the Future, or Whatever the ****
Albert Einstein claims to have invented the Time Machine after World War II for the purpose of murdering Adolf Hitler before he could start the war. If, by the time you read this, you don't know who Hitler was, you can assume he succeeded. Wenn, während Sie dieses lesen, Uncyclopedia von Hitlerpedia kolonisiert worden ist, dann hat der Attentäter zu viele high-tech Zahnräder genommen. (If, by the time you read this, Uncyclopedia has been colonized by Hitler, then the assassin took too much high-tech gear.)
There is video footage of the murder in existence (consult historical document "Command & Conquer: Red Alert" published by Westwood Studios), but evidently the Nazis had several Hitler clones in storage, as well as a fully functioning Cyborg UberHitler, which was superior in many ways to any of the organic versions.
In a recent development Hillary Clinton suggested that wives of abusive, unfaithful or just generally disobedient husbands could use it to go back in time and beat their husbands up when they were too young to fight back as a way of getting revenge, when their husbands did eventually meet them they probably wouldn't realize who it had been and as a result of the beatings would be more passive.
It is well documented that David Bowie at one point in history did invent his own time machine with the express purpose to go to the future to acquire the beat of Vanilla Ice's hit single "Ice Ice Baby" to use in his collaborated song with Queen called "Under Pressure," because he lacked the muse to write his own. This specific time machine has also been used by such bands as Led Zeppelin and Foreigner to further their own musical careers. He has also lent this device to other men of poor creative talent such as William Shakespeare so that they could steal the ideas of more talented modern men such as Leonard Bernstein and Michael Gerber.
Another perfect example of this is the story of George Forsbrook. Driven mad by The Game, George fuelled his frustration into copying Doc Brown's Time Machine. Successful after the 88th attempt, he returned to just prior to being told the rules of The Game, and knived himself repeatedly. It all went Pete Tong when he returned to his own timezone in an alternative future in which he was gay, eventually marrying a man named Alex McGrath.
Attempts at Regulation
H.G. Wells was the first to discover the inherent problems of time travel, including SEHS, Infinite Time Loops and paradoxes. Many paradoxes proved to be irrelevant, due to the actions of infinite multiverses, Wikiverses and divergent timelines. For example, although Doc Brown invented the time machine, the first successful use of one to view a historic event occurred when Professor Barnsworth Thwaitecastle landed his device gently on Plymouth Rock, just as the Mayflower appeared on the horizon. Unfortunately, several hundred other time machines and their occcupants were already there, to observe this first use of a time machine to view a historic event, forcing the professor to climb atop his machine to get a clear view of the pilgrims' ship.
However, several governmental agencies have since been (or will be) created to monitor primary timelines and keep them relatively intact. Timecops were first given power in 2098 A.D. to legislate timeline infractions on Earth. After the creation of the Federation, a clandestine police force was created by Starfleet and used the U.S.S. Relativity to monitor timeline divergence in the Milky Way Galaxy.
Power Generation Difficulties
So far, except for some experiments with astral projection by Superman and Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman, no time machine has been built that does not use massive amounts of power.
The 1.21 gigawatts of electricity required to make a time machine move back and forth through time necessitates that there are only three feasible types of power sources to use for a time machine, and one purely ridiculous one. They are (in no particular order):
- Nuclear fission (Plutonium, Nuclear bomb) This has been made illegal through efforts by HPEIR.
- Nuclear fusion (Mr. Fusion) This has been made impossible because all research into fusion has been torpedoed by HPEIR. But don't worry. It'll be available in 6 years
- Antimatter (Wayans-Baldwin Reactor) This is largely unfeasible due to the scarcity of Wayans Brothers and Baldwin Brothers
- Zero-Point Energy (Hal Puthoff} This requires a bucket full of mood rings and an iPod, and a rotating Black Hole, but the exact configuration of these items has yet to be determined.
- The Force (Heavy Metal) This dangerous method involves gaining the powers of a Jedi or a Sith, then severing Tom Cruise's cyborg's head, placing it in to a box lined with fractal artwork, then blasting Slipknot at 132.567 dB for 24 hrs. It, however has not been tested, because no one has severed a cyborg's head.
Methods of Time Travel
Useful for their stainless steel construction (which makes the flux dispersal... look out!), their scary gull wing doors (see above) and their ability to utterly disassemble at the slightest touch of a diesel locomotive.
Caution: If you intend to use one of these vehicles, be advised that they are fitted with the Hollywood Starter System.
This system enables the driver to build audience tension as the car fails to fire up when it is desperately needed to;
- A) Rendezvous with a Bolt of Lightning
- B) Save a friend from Terrorists in a VW
- C) Drive into a town which would then believe itself to be the subject of an alien invasion.
- D) Go into a town where you almost die to save a friend
- E) Mess up you present.
Should you find yourself with an immobile DeLorean, you may wish to remember that all you need to do is elevate the car and spin the front wheel so the speedometer registers 88 MPH. Pushing the vehicle often proves to be problematic.
- David Bowie's Time Machine
The personal time machine invented by David Bowie is of secret design and the technology needed to run it is unknown, but speculated to be hidden in a secret code in his songs. Use of this time machine requires explicit permission from the King of the Goblins himself.
- Phone booth
See Bill & Ted, and Dr. Who, above. *DON'T ITS A TRICK* (JUST KIDDING)
- Future Santa (Sleigh)
Future Santa is a time traveling immortal. FS travels the fabric of spacetime using his own 19th Century means. This is necessary to allow each annual Santa travel the world in one night, gifting the Christians.
- Flying chair of some kind
H.G. Wells model, also utilized by Jack (Haverstrom) the Ripper.
- U.S.S. Relativity
Classified Starfleet design.
- Yellow T-Shirt
Used by Tecnolobo. The static energy accumulated over the t-shirt allows him to travel in time, and the yellow colour hides the energy, preserving his secret identity.
“Oh, John DeLorean went to prison for being a bad boy, but he gave us a great car. Thanks John!”
- Transcendental Marriage Annulment Lawyers
Britney Spears made history by getting married and then unmarried retrospectively and this caused anomalies in the Space Time Marriage system which resulted in her partner (whoever he was) disappearing from time, but rather than eliminating the marriage and accident occurred and she was unmarried before she had even been divorced, this brought her even more publicity than ever so nobody bothered sorting it out.
She is also working on plans to if necessary unhave her children and substitute her parents.
Time And Relative Dimension In Space (T.A.R.D.I.S)
Spaceship that looks like a police box belonging to the doctor in Doctor Who.
- Apple Time Machine
Software designed to let Mac users travel back in time and father/mother themselves.
Riding on the back of Chuck Norris Because he can run 89 miles per hour with ease.
Has the tendency to turn people into green mush.
- Phone Microwave
Not just for cooking bananas.
- Time Travel
- Black Knight
- Time Cop 2
- Dude, Where's My Time Machine?
- David Bowie
- Norris Drabné, who did not use one of these
- Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle*AGAIN?*
- Alan Young reads HG Wells The Time Machine
The U.S. government adapts technology from an alien spacecraft at Roswell and creates a device that can travel back in time seven days. When Washington is devastated by a terrorist attack, the need to find a capable pilot becomes essential and with time running out, only mental patient and ex-military man Frank Parker proves suitable.
7 days (1998)