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edit The Creation of Time II
First, there was everything. Then, things got all screwed up, and there was nothing. Within that vast and infinite nothingness, nothing existed except for: Chuck Norris the Immortal, Tom Cruise, Bill Gates, and a single doughnut. Bill Gates went to write a new operating system, which he called Nothing 2000. However, it ended up being a remix of MS-TRES, and could only play Tetris. This left Chuck Norris and Tom Cruise to fight over the doughnut. Thus the bitter rivalry between Chuck Norris and Tom Cruise began. Chuck Norris trapped Tom Cruise in another dimension, and then ate the doughnut. A while later, the nothingness began to change, and Time II began to form. Time II was created by Universal Studios (which then only produced compost and bad wine), though how the hell it got there nobody could figure out. Universal Studios placed most of the people of Time II on a planet they called Ground. After it finished creating Time II, Universal Studios declared itself ruler of time. It ruled for 1000.5 years, a period which was later known as The Time When Many Really Crappy Things Happened. At the beginning of Universal Studios' rule, Bill Gates realized that his operating system, Nothing 2000, was obsolete. He went and created a new, revolutionary operating system, which he called Mirrors XP. However, Mirrors XP turned out to be a huge failure for two reasons: 1.Everything was mirrored, so nobody could read anything, and 2.There were no computers. After 1000.5 years, Chuck Norris decided that Universal Studios was doing a really bad job ruling the universe, so he went to slay everyone there. One person survived the carnage, but Bill Gates immediately trapped him in a time stop.
edit The Rule of Chuck Norris and the Years After
Chuck Norris claimed the title The Almighty Second Sovereign of Time II, or The ASS of Time II. The next 2148.6 years, most people agreed, were pretty good, though there were many more lame jokes than usual. After Chuck Norris resigned, the last person from Universal Studios managed to escape from Bill Gates's time stop, after enduring over 2000 years of being in focus groups, testing Microsoft products, describing his reactions to ads, and filling out customer satisfaction surveys. He tried to become lord of Time II, but when he made the announcement that he was the new lord, the people of Ground tied him to a metal pole and threw him into a volcanic crater. Now that Universal Studios was finally destroyed, Ground suffered a massive shortage of bad wine. In a mass effort to re-create bad wine, many unsuccessful substitutes were created, including beer, vodka, brandy, and chicken soup. During this time, soda was created, and soda companies Mr. Pepper, Popsi, Koke, Sprit, and Boulder Dew are formed. Soon after the discovery of soda, and the formation of soda companies, a massive soda free-for-all was declared, which was known as the Great Soda War. During this war, many devastating weapons were created, and the carnage and destruction was terrible. After 12 years of fighting, Koke finally won the war by unleashing a weapon of incredible destruction, four enormous soda cans, each with 12,000,000 fl. oz. of soda, which were known as nocleosodic bombs. Koke shook the gargantuan cans, and then launched them at each of the rival soda companies. Koke succeeded in destroying every other soda company, but was soon destroyed itself by the enormous wave of soda released. 3 minutes later, coffee was discovered. The supreme court of the newly formed United Spades of Amerika declared coffee "a huge waste of money". However, after he had been persuaded to drink a pint or two of Starbucks, their president stated "COFFEISTHEGREATESTTHINGIHAVEEVERSEENEVERYBODYSHOULDDRINKLOTSOFCOFFEEEVERYDRINkSHOULDBEREPLACEDWITHCOFFEECOFFEEISAWESOMEGOCOFFEE". After the discovery of coffee, Darth Vader tried to take over Time II, but was defeatd by Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris took him to another dimension, and left him there.
edit The Rise of The Technologites
After coffee was discovered, Chuck Norris came back to visit Ground. After seeing how badly it was doing, he tried to fix it, but ended up screwing everything up even more. One of the things he did right was re-create the iPod. After Chuck Norris returned everything to normal - excluding iPods, of course - he just hung around and watched. Soon after the creation of iPods, several objects were discovered, including - in chronological order - laser printers, CD writers, surround-sound, and CD's. A new group of objects had to be created to classify all of these things, and was called technology. After several more pieces of technology were discovered, a group of people formed a minor cult that was centered on technology, and they called themselves Technologites. Technology continued to grow, and as it grew, the Technologites became more and more powerful. Several years after it's formation, a group of Technologites called Chuck Norris a moron. 10 minutes later, Norris War I began. The war spanned most of Ground, and lasted several centuries. Ground's population was almost completely destroyed, and would have been destroyed if the Technologites hadn't figured out how to hide in other dimensions. After the end of the war - about 700 years later - Technologites and a few other people that managed to survive by disguising themselves as luggage and rolling into the Technologites' interdimensionary portals were the only survivors.
edit Norris vs. Cruise
The Technologites hid in many of the thousands of dimensions when they hid from Chuck Norris. Unfortunately, one that they hid in was the one Tom Cruise had been trapped in since the beginning of Time II. When the Technologites that had hid there went back to Ground, Tom Cruise came with them. Chuck Norris knew that Tom Cruise was back the moment Tom stepped out of the Dimension Door(TM). However, Chuck Norris was at that time busy beginning the creation of Time III. Tom Cruise then went to wreak havok on Time II, and started destroying things at random. After a few years, the production of Time III was far enough that Chuck Norris could leave it alone. He went and started battling Tom Cruise. While Chuck Norris was distracted, Darth Vader managed to get back to Time II. During the Norris-Cruise battle, the universe was almost destroyed 12 times, and actually was destroyed once. However, it was immediately re-created. Darth Vader, realizing that even if he did take over Time II it would be mostly a wasteland, went to the place where Time III was being created. He altered it so that he would appear at the very beginning of Time II with a fleet of Executor-class Star Destroyers (Super Star Destroyers). He then placed himself outside of Time II, and began waiting for the beginning of Time III. Several decades later, Chuck Norris finally succeeded in defeating Tom Cruise. He banished Tom to one of the new dimensions, then went to check on Time III. By that time, Time III was far enough that Chuck Norris didn't notice Darth Vader's changes. The next 3000 years were mostly peaceful, if you didn't count the wars, anarchy, destruction, chaos, and insanity.
edit The End of Time II
After about 3000 years, scientists found proof that there was once a Time I. Soon after the announcement that there was a Time I, Time II tried to wage war on Time I. However, this was unsuccessful, mainly because Time I didn't exist anymore, but also because the people of Time II were incredibly incompetent. They created time machines, and launched countless weapons of mass destruction through them. During the years after the Norris-Cruise War, Technologites got more and more powerful, and by this time, ruled the world with Bill Gates as their leader. Chuck Norris, after discovering that Bill Gates ruled the world, sent his minions to destroy the Technologites. The resulting war lasted many years, and Chuck Norris's minions were victorious most of the time. When the Technologites were about to be defeated, 26 years later, most of their resources were going toward researching and manufacturing new weapons. Near the end, the Technologites' scientists discovered a way to modify CD writers into high-power laser weaponry. Bill Gates equipped all of his troops with laser rifles, then sent every last one of them to destroy Chuck Norris's minions' base. They were almost there when time portals started opening up everywhere, and all the weapons of mass destruction that had been flung into them 30 years ago flew out. Bill Gates and Tom Cruise quickly teleported themselves out of Time II to avoid being annihilated. Chuck Norris started filming the cataclysmic ending of Time II, and would later make it into a highly successful movie in Time III. After everything inside Time II didn't exist anymore, time and space began to collapse in a immense implosion. The remains on Time II were crushed into the size of an atom, and eventually faded away. Once Time II was gone, Chuck Norris began Time III. Unfortunately, he was eaten by a Grue before he could finish, and Time III was left an abandoned project.