Tim Kaine

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Revision as of 02:29, November 26, 2012 by 96.241.149.20 (talk)

(diff) ← Older revision | Latest revision (diff) | Newer revision → (diff)
Jump to: navigation, search
Crazyeyebrowsguy

Kaine is Virginia's littlest Governor.

Timothy Michael "Tim" Kaine (born February 26, 1958) is a Virginia politician. Kaine served as the 70th Governor of Virginia from 2006 to 2010, and was the chairman of the Democratic National Committee from 2009 to 2011. Commonly confused with the Grinch, he is in fact the governor and his eyebrows are natural. He is probably best known for pardoning Hitler and appearing in a infomercial for Botox that aired directly after the 2005 Presidential State of the Union.

edit Biography

Kaine was born in a Kentuckistan steelmill to two hardworking parents unless that was John Edwards' life but basically, you get the idea, right?

Anyway, faith played a major role in Tim Kaine's early life, ultimately leading him to betray his country and flee to Columbia as a Catholic missionary. There he would discover his true purpose: sinking tons of taxpayer dollars into broken school systems, in this case, literally broken ones, as in, schools actively on fire or buried under landslides. While working with the simple people of Columbia taught Kaine to respect all living things, the somewhat more complicated drug lords of Columbia taught him that abortion is necessary in order to avoid having to pay child support. Thus, a Democrat was born.

edit Lawyer to Mayor to Non-Military Lt.

After returning to the states, Kaine completed a law degree and married a human female, both of which had recently become requirements for political office in the state. Kaine was briefly crowned mayor of Richmond, which at the time mainly meant that he was the person who managed to stay at city council meetings the longest. During this time he played a major role in "Project Exile" an innovative program whereby illegal immigrants were given guns in exchange for getting the hell out of our proud nation. The position of mayor was at that time was mostly titular, leaving Kaine with so much free time that he was also able to take on the job of Lt. Governor as well. Much like the position of Dogcatcher in an all-lesbian Provincetown, this position also had no real duties or purpose.

edit Race for Governor

In 2005, Kaine ran for Governor against then Attorney General Jerry Kilgore. Starting from nearly 20 percentage points behind, Kaine managed to baby-kiss his way to victory in both points and by KO.

edit Hitler

Throughout the campaign, Kilgore repeatedly pointed out Kaine's lax stance on the death penalty, and issue which came to a boil when it was discovered that as Lieutenant Governor, Kaine had actually pardoned no less than his idealogical soulmate Adolf Hitler (read: birds of a feather). Unfortunately, Kilgore made far too big of a deal about this, leading Republican Senator George Allen to accidentally campaign for Kaine: a mistake which most observers conclude handed Kaine the election. Either that, or the fact that Kilgore's choice of campaign colors, orange and black, made his lawn signs look like city ordinances about contaminated drinking water.

edit Eyebrows

In the course of the campaign, it was discovered that unlike normal human beings, Kaine's eyebrows can move when he speaks, which caused popular Virginia conservative blogs like vaconservative to prematurely declare victory. Surprisingly, despite countless blog jokes and photoshop contests, the people of Virginia still decided that it would be a lot easier to deal with Kaine's roving eyebrow for 4 years than having to spend that time listening to a guy (Kilgore) that sounded like the Pink Panther's gay uncle.

edit State of the Union Response

In 2006, Kaine was called upon to deliver the State of the Union response for the Democrats. Unfortunately, Hillary Clinton's big fat fingers smudged out the address on the envalope, and Kaine ended up delivering the response to the National Zoo instead where in a tragic mishap he was artificially inseminated and gave birth to the first live human-panda hybrid. Or he would have, if he hadn't had... AN ABORTION.

edit Still Governor

As far as anyone knows, Kaine is still Governor of Virginia, but we won't know for sure until we get the latest issue of Shonen Jump arrives and we can follow along with more of his wacky adventures.

Personal tools
projects