Tim Duncan

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Jump to: navigation, search
Tim Duncan
The Big Fundamental
Height 6'11"
Position Power Forward
College Wake Forest

San Antonio Spurs (1997-2016)

NBA Championships Every year that Stern didn't rig

Regular Season (2002-03)
Finals (Every time the Spurs won except 2007)
Dungeons & Dragons (1997, 1999-2005, 2007-2009, 2013,)

All-Star Games The NBA lost count
Whoops! Maybe you were looking for Boring?

Tim Duncan was one of the NBA's most dominant power forwards in history and a retired Dungeons & Dragons player, but nobody remembers him winning any championships because they fell asleep trying to watch them. Born in the Virgin Islands, Duncan constantly won one-on-one games in his hometown St. Croix, so he decided to play college basketball.

edit The Early Years

Duncan was born at an astounding height of five feet, nine inches becoming the tallest baby ever born in the Caribbean. His family viewed his height as an advantage in competitive sports, so they enrolled him on the swim team. Duncan was a very competitive swimmer but never seemed to worked up a sweat, as his six foot body only required one stroke to cross the swimming pool. He continued swimming competitively until he finally was tired of dominating other swimmers. Duncan decided to play basketball, a sport where there is no such thing as a height advantage. After graduating from high school, Duncan decided to take his talents to Wake Forest.

edit College Years

Unlike most NBA players, Duncan actually graduated from college. In his first season at Wake Forest, Duncan was excited that he had been accepted into such a prestigious college with a great basketball team, but then he played Duke. To Duncan's relief, Duke guys are only good when they are in college (see Christian Laettner), which allowed the Demon Deacons to gain confidence. In his next three years at Wake Forest, Duncan never led the team to national championship because that feat would have required a miracle. Many teams were impressed by his height, his height, and especially, his height, so he was deemed the best player in the 1997 NBA Draft.

edit He's A Spur

With the first pick in the 1997 NBA Draft, Tim Duncan was selected by a team that perfectly fit his lack of personality: the San Antonio Spurs. Unlike his days at Wake Forest, Duncan actually had teammates including another guy who was born over five feet tall, David Robinson. However, before even meeting Robinson, the media speculated Duncan's retirement because he was already twenty-two years old as a rookie, which was older than the average age of the NBA during the time period. Duncan decided not to retire even though many fans already labeled him as "old" and "past his prime". During his first game with the Spurs, Duncan put up the same numbers that he did almost every game of his career. His consistency was remarkable, but the same fans that labeled him "old", now replaced that stereotype with "boring". With the help of David Robinson, Duncan managed to lead the Spurs to the 1999 NBA Finals by boring the rest of the Western Conference to death with his countless number of bank shots. They won the title and Duncan celebrated by raising his eyebrow at the crowd, an exciting gesture they had never witnessed before.


Duncan on draft day, hoping to be selected by the Wizards.

edit The Dominance Continues

Duncan, without saying one word in his first five years with San Antonio, finally met head coach Gregg Popovich in 2002. Popovich told Duncan that he would add more boring players to the rotation to benefit the Spurs style of offense. With the help of guys like Tony Parker and Manu Ginóbili, the Spurs beat Jason Kidd and the Nets in 2003, en route to a second championship. This time, Duncan ate sausage on his celebration pizza, another exciting gesture that wound up Spurs fans. Robinson retired which made Tim Duncan tower over the rest of the Spurs, adding a bit of an intimidation factor. This slight intimidation mixed with the boring style of the Spurs offense led Duncan to claim his third title over the Detroit Pistons in 2005. After the game, Pistons brawler Rasheed Wallace said, "I would have thrown chairs at the Spurs, but the chairs on their home court just aren't exciting enough to pick up and throw."

edit An Obstacle Interferes

Duncan hoped to win another title in 2007, but Commissioner David Stern was bored and tired of his bank shots, so he sent head referee Joey "Cue Ball" Crawford to stop him. In a game preceding the playoffs in 2007, Duncan was resting on the bench, having a conversation with his teammates who appeared to be telling jokes. Crawford, who seemed to be offended by the teammates joke, halted the game, in order to issue Duncan a technical foul. However, his teammate did not finish the joke and had to continue it after the opposing Dallas Mavericks shot their technical free throw. The rest of the joke was pretty hilarious, and attributed to the chuckle on Duncan's face. Crawford was annoyed by this laughter and threw Duncan out of the game. Although Stern had planned this scenario with the officiating crew, he pretended to suspend Crawford because the Spurs were bound to win the title in 2007 anyways. With an absent Crawford, the Spurs and Duncan cruised their way through the playoffs, defeating a tough Utah Jazz team, who was led by star Russian Andrei Kirilenko, who ironically has a World of WarCraft tattoo on his back. In the Finals, the Spurs swept the Cleveland Cavaliers, as David Stern had no assistance to let LeBron James win this title. Duncan continued his tradition of performing an unbelievable gesture after a Finals victory by purchasing a hat after the closing game.

edit Duncan Continues Dominating

For the next six years, Duncan defeated Father Time in many arm-wrestling matches, which resulted in permission to play well throughout his 30's. One time, he even beat the Phoenix Suns (not that impressive) by scoring a game-tying three-pointer as time expired (somewhat impressive). In 2013, Duncan finally realized his body had a pair of arms on it, in a playoff game against the Memphis Grizzlies. He was stunned by this discovery, which led David Stern to believe that Duncan was not human.

National Basketball Association (2010)
Eastern Conference
Atlantic Division: Boston Celtics | New Jersey Nets | New York Knicks | Philadelphia 76ers | Toronto Raptors
Central Division: Chicago Bulls | Cleveland Cavaliers | Detroit Pistons | Indiana Pacers | Milwaukee Bucks
Southeast Division: Atlanta Hawks | Charlotte Bobcats | Miami Heat | Orlando Magic | Washington Wizards
Western Conference
Northwest Division: Denver Nuggets | Minnesota Timberwolves | Portland Trail Blazers | Oklahoma Team Stealers | Utah Jazz
Pacific Division: Golden State Warriors | Los Angeles Clippers | Los Angeles Lakers | Phoenix Suns | Sacramento Kings
Southwest Division: Dallas Mavericks | Houston Rockets | Memphis Grizzlies | New Orleans Hornets | San Antonio Spurs
Other Articles: NBA Finals | All-Star Game | NBA Draft | Current team rosters |

Personal tools