Tiger Gun

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Tiger launcher v1
The First model of the tiger gun, made for personal use.

The Tiger Gun(or Tigun for short) is a rocket launcher-esque device used to launch tigers at high speed towards the enemy. That is, if the enemy hasn't already retreated in fear. It was rated to be the 3rd most evil gun in history, just barely less evil than the Alligator Gun and the Gun That Only Fires When Aimed at Old Women. Its shock effect has been known to turn Richard Simmons straight, which before the invention of the Tiger Gun was deemed impossible.

edit History

edit Before Guns

Thousands of years ago, before the invention of weapons and video games (oh, the horror), cavemen would hurl any nearby object at their prey. Tigers are one example of such an object. It was very effective, for it had claws which humans did not have. However, after killing the human's prey, it almost always would eat it, and then turn to the human and eat him, too. Thus, rocks were used instead for thousands of years, for they needed not eat, and thus would not steal the human's kill. That is, until rocks eventually evolved into Lava Monsters, at which point they were exiled into volcanoes.

In the Dark Ages, knights would fill their catapults with whatever they had on hand. Eventually, they came to the conclusion that tigers were the best ammunition, for they were cats, and could thus survive falls from great heights. They were also very ferocious, especially after being flung thousands of feet, and could tear through infantry without a scar. Tigers were loved by all for these reasons.

So, naturally, around the same time guns were invented, someone tried placing a small tiger inside his gun. Of course, neither the tiger nor the dimwit survived.

edit The Golden Age of Animal Warfare

The first edition of the true Tiger Gun had two firing modes: it would fire one of 4 tiger cubs, or one full-grown tiger. These were very expensive to create, not only because tiger cubs are very hard to poach, but because it would be very difficult to sustain the tigers and keep them alive. The cubs would often eat each other and cause a mess.

A second version was created, a very large turret that could shoot a steady stream of baby tigers, at about the same ROF as a machine gun, and about 20 times the damage. These were feared across the land, as these came about around the same time as genetic mass-cloning. Each gun had a small cloning machine inside the barrel, so only 1 tiger cub was needed in order to have limitless ammo. Tiger cubs were used as ammunition because adult tigers would not fit through the barrel, and would instead explode the gun as soon as it was cloned.

Melonburst tiger
Use of the Tiger Handgun as a means of suicide often created explosive results.

edit A step Backwards

There also was a short-lived handgun model, which would shoot out a single tiger cub. Hormones in the tiger would make it quickly grow into full size, usually within 15 seconds. The handgun model was discontinued when it was found that people would use it as a means of suicide. The cub would be shot into the head through the ear, and then it would quickly grow until the inside of the skull was too small, and the subject's brain would explode.

edit A Fortunate Recovery

Tiger launcher v2
It's adorable until it rips your face off.

Yet another edition was created, when mass genetic cloning was deemed commonplace. The cloning devices were much smaller, small enough to fit inside a rifle, even. Thus, the Tiger Minigun was invented, which would shoot a stream of tiger cubs at the target. These were also given special hormones to make them grow quickly into full size, like the aforemented Tiger Handgun. Whether the target thought the imagery was horrifying as shit, or cute as a button, they would be stunned, giving the hormone-injected kittens enough time to grow into full size. Versions of these with de-clawed cubs for ammunition were often used in Furry Orgies.

edit Lethality

The effectiveness of a Tiger Gun in the right hands can be compared to an 18-inch strap-on dildo in a giant lesbian orgy. The main effect is the actual imagery one may get of a large feral animal flying at oneself's face. Also, as common knowledge would tell you, once a tiger is provoked, it WILL kill you. And nothing can piss off a tiger more than being thrown thousands of feet with no warning after being shoved in a small tank for several hours.

edit Weaknesses and Counter-Weapons

As those of us with cats should know, they always like to play with string. Thus, most armies equipped their men with special rifles fitted with yarn-ball launchers to defend themselves. Many wars have been won with the simple implementation of yarn to counter the Tigun's effects. However, soldiers with long beards would be at a certain weakness themselves, besides looking like Santa.

Tigers are also overly fond of catnip. Thus, a new weapon was invtented, a wad of catnip formed into a brick shape, with a small bomb inside. The idea is, they would be thrown into a crowd of tigers, and when the tigers would get too close to the device, it would explode via a remote detonator.

edit The Anti-Tigun Unit

With time, many armies formed a new unit, called the Anti-Tigunners. They would be equipped solely with a ball of string and a Catnip Brick. They would come in great number, as they were cheap to equip and effective in the right occasion. These were feared across the land for their ability to eliminate tigers. In some places, a picture of a ball of yarn alone was enough to strike fear in the hearts of generals.

edit Why tigers?

Besides sharks and unicorns, no animal is more badass than the tiger. Plus, tigers can survive vast velocities, because they are cats, and cats ALWAYS land on their feet. They also could run around corners, making it the most effecient homing device known to man.

The stripes on a tiger also make a strange, nauseating effect when seen moving at high speeds on the side. Any enemy that is dumb enough to look directly at the tiger will most likely vomit, piss themselves, or both. Anti-tiger glasses are very expensive, as well, and were banned by the UN when they discovered they were purely made out of children's tears and kitten blood.

Guns have been feared for thousand of years, and tigers even longer. When you combine the two, you form something so insanely lethal and scary, it'll make eating a cactus whole seem like child's play.

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