Tifa Lockheart
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“Uh oh.”
~ WordGirl on Ms. Lockheart
Tifa "Kokoro" Armstrong (more commonly known as Tifa Lockheart due to bad English translations) is a bartender, terrorist, firefighter, and meteorologist. She has recently been accused of killing every Jenova's Witness that has come to her door. This is probably because they are incredibly annoying and because their name is also a really bad pun.
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[edit] Early Life
Tifa was born sometime after the shattering of Magecite and before the invention of the gun-sword thingamajig. Tifa's father is John Lockhart who is Scottish and her mother is the spirit of a mountain climber who is of Japanese descent. Also, Tifa is Chef Gordon Ramsay's cousin. While searching for her mother in the mountains, Tifa fell of a cliff and landed on a cloud and named it the Nimbus 2000. For unknown reasons Tifa and the Nimbus decided to go on a quest for Dragon Testicles. However these events are debatable since some historians point out that Tifa was in a coma during this time.
[edit] Early Life Part Dos
After coming out of her coma, Tifa made friends with a spikey blonde haired kid and his stuffed tiger. However these two left to join the organization MOUNTIE. In the meantime Tifa paid the bills by working for Mr. T’s taxi driving service. However, Tifa’s life was turned upside down when MOUNTIE attacked her hometown of Nibblehienie and forced everyone in the town to wear Bullwinkle hats. During the event, Tifa’s father’s arms were pulled off. The silver haired video-game character badass responsible for this disaster was the former death metal rock star, Sephiroth - whose band Tifa ironically became a groupie of later.
[edit] Later Early Life
After this catastrophe in Nibblehienie, Tifa decided to get a boob job as well as form a terrorist organization with Mr. T, Princess Lea, and the corpse of Padme. They named their terrorist group Mr. T & The Women.
[edit] After Later Early Life
After that a bunch of shit happened that involved lifestreams, guerrilla warfare, espionage, love, paying Sephiroth to murder Aeris, pain, ShEn-ron, giant chickens, children made into Christmas candles, Donald Duck, and crappy spin-offs. However these events are debatable since some historians point out that Squaresoft was on a huge-ass acid trip during this time.
[edit] Early Love Life
Tifa has been romantically linked to Densuke Mifune, Oscar Wilde, Oscar de la Hoya, Oscar the Grouch, Oscar the golden statuette, and the imagination of thousands of Final Fantasy fan boy’s penises.
[edit] Trivia
- Tifa only buys clothes at the International House of Lumberjacks. She has also modeled suspenders for the IHOL clothing line on a number of occasions.
- Tifa is not only not related to Colin Powell, but also does not share relatives, genealogy, or toys with him.
- She has a fan club called Tifa's International Tifa Society in which members dress similar to her (see above picture). However Tifa does not endorse TITS, although she certainly has some big ones. It has also been discovered that the members of her fan club suffer from serious mental issues - just like she does.
- She's not a virgin, unlike Aeris, who Tifa is totally, indisputably uglier than. However, rumor has it that she gets into lesbian threesomes with Scarlet and Elena and abuses Mr. T. (Not that he's complaining, he kinda likes it)
- She does enjoy tit-fucking (to the tragic disappointment of many)
- THEY'RE REAL!!! (this shouldn't really be put under "trivia" as it's the only important information about her)
- Her tits push over and break glasses at any table she sits at. (in other words j-lo's mammary counterpart)
- The main reason Tifa got into fighting sports was the back problems she experienced as a result of top heaviness.
- A little known part of her fighting technique is her Backwards Optimal Otter Bashing Spin attack, in which her attributes actually become her main weapons.
- After fifty years of waiting Tifa finally managed to seduce Cloud Strife, with the only condition of wearing green contacts, a pink dress with a red jacket, and gardening boots. Also the use of brown hair dye and ribbons were highly encouraged. Tifa just put this down to unusual bedroom fetishes.
- Tifa has a tendency to 'lie her clothes off'.
- Tifa worked at Hooters but then was fired for fucking the fried chicken, whoa that's gross!
