From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
“SHE HAS A PENIS!!!!!”
“My tits make up for it.”
“It's like they have a mind of their own!”
“Hold on, that guy has a sword as big as him, and that guy has a gun for an arm, and all she can do is punch things?”
“Show me your boobs!!”
“Her hotness level is OVER 9000!!!!!”
“Who the fuck told you?!”
“Those are some big boobs”
“ I don't really have a penis, my lawyer said it would help in my rape case.”
Tifa "Kokoro" Armstrong (more commonly known as Tifa Lockheart due to bad English translations) is a bartender, terrorist, firefighter, and meteorologist along with accomplice Aeris Gainsborough. She has recently been accused of killing every Jenova's Witness that has come to her door. This is probably because they are incredibly annoying and because their name is also a really bad pun.
edit Early Life
Tifa was born sometime after the shattering of Magecite and before the invention of the gun-sword thingamajig. Tifa's father is John Lockhart who is Scottish and her mother is the spirit of a mountain climber who is of Japanese descent. Also, Tifa is Chef Gordon Ramsay's cousin. While searching for her mother in the mountains, Tifa fell of a cliff and landed on a cloud and named it the Nimbus 2000. For unknown reasons Tifa and the Nimbus decided to go on a quest for Dragon Testicles. However these events are debatable since some historians point out that Tifa was in a coma during this time.
edit Early Life Part Dos
After coming out of her coma, Tifa made friends with a spikey blonde haired kid and his stuffed tiger. However these two left to join the organization MOUNTIE. In the meantime Tifa paid the bills by working for Mr. T’s taxi driving service. However, Tifa’s life was turned upside down when MOUNTIE attacked her hometown of Nibblehienie and forced everyone in the town to wear Bullwinkle hats. During the event, Tifa’s father’s arms were pulled off. The silver haired video-game character badass responsible for this disaster was the former death metal rock star, Sephiroth - whose band Tifa ironically became a groupie of later.
edit Later Early Life
After this catastrophe in Nibblehienie, Tifa decided to get a boob job as well as form a terrorist organization with Mr. T, Princess Lea, and the corpse of Padme. They named their terrorist group Mr. T & The Women.
edit After Later Early Life
After that a bunch of shit happened that involved lifestreams, guerrilla warfare, espionage, love, paying Sephiroth to murder Aeris, pain, ShEn-ron, giant chickens, children made into Christmas candles, Donald Duck, and crappy spin-offs. However these events are debatable since some historians point out that Squaresoft was on a huge-ass acid trip during this time.
- Tifa only buys clothes at the International House of Lumberjacks. She has also modeled suspenders for the IHOL clothing line on a number of occasions.
- Tifa is not only not related to Colin Powell, but also does not share relatives, genealogy, or toys with him.
- Her tits push over and break glasses at any table she sits at. (in other words j-lo's mammary counterpart)
- The main reason Tifa got into fighting sports was the back problems she experienced as a result of top heaviness.
- A little known part of her fighting technique is her Backwards Optimal Otter Bashing Spin attack, in which her attributes actually become her main weapons.
- Lonely men are often known to furiously masturbate to her.