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“It's beautiful... Well actually, no, it's a shithole.”
Tidworth is a blossoming town half-way between Salisbury and Andover; it is also conviently placed as the only connection between the M3 and the A303, the only connection between Cornwall and civilisation. It's never really been known for anything; though they seem to believe they were once widely appreciated for their quaint charms, polo pitches and Army connections. Now however, they are more widely hated for their connections to James Blunt.
Before Tidworth was born; the plot of earth it finds itself on was a village called Tedworth, named after the serial killer Ted Worth. The town was named after him once his body was uncovered in the midst of Salisbury Plain; the villagers were impressed with his courage of stepping onto the forbidden grounds that they decided to honour him with a town, and a house in his honour.
Apparently, his decapitated body is still on show in Tedworth House today.
Arrival of Tidworth
After several disputes with residents over whether the army was able to use Salisbury Plain, Tedworth was involved in an unfortunate atomic test gone wrong. There was one survivor, who hid in a lead-lined fridge like Indiana Jones. This survivor was quickly killed in a stabbing in Southampton; but in no way was this a conspiracy.
Once Tedworth was removed from all the maps; the army wasted no time in building the inconspicuous village of Tidworth. The General at the time insisted;
"Tidworth is in no way related to Tedworth; that's bullshit, much like Scientology"
They were so keen to get started, that they did not wait for the radioactivity to fully clear. That is why there's such a high concentration of retarded chavs.
Tidworth then became the home to almost all things wrong with the world; chavs, the army, lebians and terrorists. Of course, for this reason the council decided that Tidworthians should have fuck all to do with their time apart from visit the second hand furniture store, shop in Londis or getting pissed up at The Ram.
No one really complained about this, as the chavs had too much fun throwing rocks at one another on the bench; the Lesbians found work in the Londis; the army got pissed up in The Ram and the terrorists shot squaddies on their way out of The Ram.
This is when Tidworth inherited the dictator of all supermarkets, and officially made them home to everything wrong in the world. This period in Tidworth's history is a little sketchy, due to the TTA's (Tesco Terrorist Army) close affiliations with the author.
The Population of Tidworth
The town of Tidworth is home to nearly 10,000 people; the majority of which are in some way connected to the army. This is because Tidworth is a Garrison town, which means unless you are some way military you will be shot by Garry Son- the Chinese version of the Militant Black Guy.
Apart from the army, there are many stereotypes of Britain represented in Tescoworth. In fact, if you visit Tesco on a Sunday morning, you'll be sure to see the whole funny farm trying to batter each other with trolleys. (See Tidworth Gang Markings).
- 90% of Tidworth is, in fact, part of the Military. Approximately 0.9% are actually English; whilst the other 99.1% are either Welsh, or Fijian.
- 5% of Tidworth belongs to Chavs. These tracky wearing yobs (not to be confused with Trekkie wearing sobs) are actually not athletic and wear enough bling to blind normal people.
- 2% of the populations are fat knackers.
- 1% of Tidworthians are at the age of retirement, or beyond. That is why the Shaw Trust is a succeeding to the extent that they are considering expansion.
- 1% are Poles; making for pretty decortations along the high-street.
- 0.4% are retards still suffering from the after-effects of radiation poisioning.
- 0.3% is made up of the extended chinese family who owns the local chippie.
- 0.2% are greeks who own the Feta Chinese place and the Cafe.
- 0.1% are normal people, of course, they're few and far between.
Famous People of Tidworth
Have you ever heard of James Blunt? You know, that guy who sings like someone's grabbing his crotch? Oh for gods sake he sings about Jesus's birth and a bloke named Jimmy. Yes that fag. Well, he comes from Tidworth, and we're more than happy to declare it. In fact, beneath the 'Now entering' sign, it says 'Home of James Blunt'. It sucessfully keeps anyone with any sense out.
We're also where one of the Studd brothers were born. Fuck knows who they are, I just found it on wikipedia
We're also a good place for Royal Correspondants to gather, as the family comes down here often to watch a bit of polo and rub-shoulders with the people. It was actually a Tidworthian that gave Harry the Nazi costume, you know.
Titsworth has it's own currency. It's exchange rate is 1000 Tidworts to ever British penny; this means if you're sucessful in Tidworth, you're pretty much a hobo anywhere else. With current economic inflation, it costs 70,000 Tidworts to buy a loaf of bread, much like in Zimbabwe; but as of yet no political activists have come to save our sorry arses.
Tidworth's main export would be their armed forces. They can be put to use as targets for wanabee terrorists, Osama Bin Laden or Americans. They also have a high rate of chav exports to genetic testing and to NASA for the Moon Chav colonies. As of yet we know of no breakthroughs from this research; but who cares? It gets them to piss off from the bench.
They are also looking into beginning exporting Fijians and Polish people; they could be useful somehow.
Notable places of Tidworth
Noteably one of the most significant buildings in Twatworth; as it started a new period in history. One of the only sources of income to the council as it is a popular attraction to tourists, for it's every stereotype of Britain under one roof. With such amazing attractions as:
- The doughnut that is THAT shade of pink.
- The Chav petting zoo (white lightening an extra 20p)
- Your Mom
- Pole dancing classes; with Marius Unpronouncablenameski
- Trolley Wars
- Reduced Isle
Tours daily at 9am, 12pm, 5pm and 10pm; with every visit get a free 'Sparsworth Experience' t-shirt.
A mass of chrome, steel, glass and radioactive waste; the Tidworth Leisure Centre was built to reduce the amount of fat chicks found in Tidworth. It has now become the site of the Tidworth prostitution ring; offering you Tender Loving Care, and any other fantasy you've got.
This is the Bench of all benches, right out side the abandoned Police Station next to SPAR. This is commonplace for the chavs to hang around here, as it is the mating ground. Here chavs will be found in full mating garb, a lot of alcohol scabbed from Tesco, and reproducing like rabbits. Walking past here will result in a stabbing. Don't say I didn't warn you.
This Chavitat is homed to all varieties of chav; in an environment that looks startlingly much like uban wasteland. But it's not; in fact it is radioactive wasteland, full of broken bottles, spliffs and discarded bling. This vast expanse of ground is decorated with a half-pipe that the council thought would attract the skaters in. Unfortunately, the lesser lacoste chavs are terratorial.
The Tidworth Maseeve
They are, in fact, not maseeve as their name suggests; but are rather a group of 20 chavs who are disillusioned enough to believe that Titsworth is a Ghetto. They are unlike the rest of chavs in Tidworth, as they have labelled themselves in an attempt to show their gangsta boi rootz.
Unlike the lesser lacoste chav; these chavs are of the nike and burbery classes and have a distiguishing coat of white lycra and trousers tucked into their socks. They also have an unusual mating call;
The maseeve had a recording contract with song giants bebo. However, after much backlash from the real gangstas from Andover- the Maseeve decided the rock'n'roll lifestyle was not for them and went into retirement.