Tic Tac Toe

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Tic Tac Toe is an exciting game for players of all ages, races, (so long as they are not dolphins) and creeds (so long as they are not Mormons.) It is not suggested that those under the age of three play, nor those over the age of... well, that doesn't really matter. Nobody likes old people anyways.

edit History

Arabischer Maler um 1180 001

An early game board found carved on the back of a mummy in Afghanistan. Note that this would not be accepted in an official tournament because it is totally fucked up.

  • 480 AD: Tic Tac Toe is invented in ancient China by masochistic priests who are unsatisfied with self-flagellation. Typically, gameplay is carved onto the skin with a leather-handled knife, however in modern times this has been replaced with a stainless steel knife or simply a magic marker.
  • 851 AD: Mayan chieftains hold massive Tic Tac Toe tournaments, the winner judged through a series of heats, and the loser put to death. Upon victory, the prevailing player would be given a lifetime supply of Oreos, and released from captivity into the wilderness to fend for themselves.
  • 1852 AD: Concept of Tic Tac Toe is stolen from the Chinese by the white man in an a search for a national pastime. Eventually, after earning the respect of its peers and leading a little league football team to victory against overwhelming probability, Tic Tac Toe is accepted as a viable alternative to cocaine

edit Gameplay

Typically, players pray for four or five hours before playing, however this may be skipped as they are praying to false gods. Players then search their houses and yards for a wood tick, (or equivalent bloodsucking insect) and a tack (or possibly a nail.) It is assumed that all players have toes.

After this, you can throw out all the crap you gathered as it really has nothing to do with the game to begin with. What, did you think this would be a shitty rock paper scissors clone? No. WRONG. Instead, draw or carve a 3 by 3 grid onto something or someone. Proceed to play Tic Tac Toe. (You do know how to play, right?)

edit Game Theory

Most players hold that the game is decided by the first move, or even before the game has begun. This is absolute bullshit and should be ignored. It is, in fact, the final move that decides the game. For example, in the following situation, if you were to throw the game board out the window in disgust, it is not likely that you would win:

a b c d e f g h
8 Chess Chess Chess Chess Chess Chess Chess Chess rw 8
7 Chess Chess Chess Chess Chess Chess Chess Chess 7
6 Chess Chess Chess kb Chess Chess Chess Chess Chess 6
5 Chess Chess qw Chess Chess qw Chess Chess Chess Chess 5
4 Chess Chess pb Chess pb Chess pb Chess Chess Chess Chess 4
3 Chess Chess pw Chess pw Chess pw Chess Chess Chess Chess 3
2 Chess Chess qb Chess Chess qb Chess Chess Chess Chess 2
1 Chess Chess Chess kw Chess Chess Chess Chess Chess 1
a b c d e f g h

Of course, you would also be playing chess, so it would not be a Tic Tac Toe loss. This is the secret to not losing at Tic Tac Toe; one must never play the game.

edit Cheating

Many people have been known to cheat while playing Tic Tac Toe. Methods of cheating include:

1. Using pepper spray on your opponent to temporarily blind him.

2. Hypnotizing your opponent with a Wooden Spoon.

3. Convincing your opponent that this is all a dream and in order to wake up he must lose in Tic Tac Toe.

4. Obstruct the electrical current in your opponent's brain by stimulating a chemical reaction involving a spontaneous combustion using a toothpick and a rusty butter knife. (this method is the most effective however it is not preferred because it is too messy)

5. One word: Bribery.

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