Tibia

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Tibia

Original box cover.

Tibia is a MMORPG created in 1000 BC by Cipsoft. It was created using mostly Photoshop and a l33t programming tool. The most idiotic players subscribe and waste 6-12 dollars the month, only to get some advantages.


Starting off

Tibiamap

A map of the vast and exciting lands of Tibia

This game practically brainwashes whoever plays it. They always come back if they retire.

-Tibia is an MMORPG, created by CipSoft, all they did was steal Ultima 6 graphics and game engine and they just changed the map a little bit and made it online, but when the game got famous origin tried to sue them, so they just changed the graphics a little bit and started to add a lot of senseless shit to the game and obvious things (for example, they take like 5 years to add "wands" that are a rip of ultima 6 wands, but they took so many years developing them...where players wander the land in search of quests and itens. After a noob makes a character, he/she (probably he, even if he looks like a she, or he has a female character) must kill rats until reaching level two. At level two, the noob can then leave the city of Rookgaard, and fight fierce monsters, such as wolves, bears, and OMG... minos. There is a Mino Mage in "Mino Hell", but none of the noobs know how to get to it. Basically, people waste hours of time getting their characters to level eight, where they can finally play the game.

Now that we have reached level eight, the choice of what vocation we become is a very easy one.

Typical Noob (My story)i started tibia and went on a pvp enforced server. anyway i went to mainland at lvl 8 and instantly someone starts 'hunting' me once sum1 says ur hunted then ussualy ur ok as most are just bsers wantin muny and stuff off u, or 2 scare u but this guy did hunt me and wen u die u lose exp and actually go down a lvl, now im gonna go through our convo.

The below statement is, as you can tell from the lameness, stupidity, and uncaring posture towards grammar, typical of the average Tibia player. This means it can be considered trustworthy, and undeniable evidence that you should avoid this game, and even more it's community. Have a nice day.

Tibia Noob: sorry i didn't do nething plz dnt kill me again Addict: shut up noob im gr8 ur a nobb i can kill u Tibia Noob: i give up im going to go back on WoW Addict: omg u loser u spend £9 a month to play on that game Tbia Noob: dumbass u pay $12 a month to play a 8-32 bit game dumbass

Tibia gives out bans or deletions for the stupidest reasons. All the Game Masters suck, and think they just about own everyone as their bitch. If you joke, or even call anyone a whore you're simply tossed a 7-day ban, 30-day ban, notations, or even a deletion for some of the most crappiest reasons. If they ever ban you that means you were just too simply good enough to play the game cause their jealous you rocked that bitch sooo better than everyone else. Yeahhhh woot spin around in that computer chair of yours -dances-

The cool mofos in Tibia

The four different vocations include Paladins, Druids, Sorcerers, and Knights.

Paladins

Paladins are ranged fighters, which does not make sense, because Paladins (by definition) are pious, knightly fellows. They spend 90% of their time throwing spears at some monster in a corner, while healing the poor creature to feed their sick behavior. When they have had their fill of that (Which rarely happens) or accidentally kill the poor animal, They will take a bow and start to get lots of headshots on everything, Ignoring if their targets are their friends, family, dogs, future time travelling children or something that lacks a head.

Luckily, Most Paladins are to stupid to know how to hold a shield or use magic(Despite the fact they get the best healing spell in the game), So most other classes can just chase them to a corner and gangbang them with Your Mom until they explode in a gooey bloody pile of Death.

Beware that if you do this, That the paladin does not find out your name, Or he (Not she,Because everyone knows Women dont play video games) will come back to life hours later and assault you with two rapid fire chaingun crossbows that technically shouldn't work, But do anyways.

Also paladin are great warrior at using their distance weapons. (aka crossbows and range type area weapons). They also can use the destructive spells like sudden death. Although they may be thought to be the strongest character they can be easily killed by two or more of any other class. It just depends on how equip the paladin is.

Druids

Druids are the healers. All they can really do is make make runes that heal people, Or heal people directly, Making them bitches to Knights.

Most of the fags who make female characters choose druids. They can't really deal much damage, but can go a lot of places because they can heal like a mofo. Other than that, there is no point in being one, Unless your a transvestite.

Transgender Druid

The Transgender Druid is a boy that makes a girl that is a DRUID chooses thais as there home town and really truly becomes a female in game, sometimes uses girl phrases in rl and his parents get confused and wonder why he says hugs etc etc utevo res ina "panda confirmation of the "Transgender Druids".Druid girls who are 14 and 13 years old like having hard sex in real life and getting pregnant.

Sorcerer

Sorcerer

Typical sorcerer. Definitely not overpowered.

This is the only class that ends up ever being worth anything. At level 60, a Sorcerer gets the spell called, Ultimate Explosion. This is used to PWN 7H3 5H17 0U7 0F DE N00BS. Sorcerers are the best vocation, but only of the manage to survive the horrors of the game until level 60. Before level 60 all they can do is shoot pathetic sparkles at monsters.

Thanks to the collective intellegence of all other classes, They have agreed once a low level Sorcerer is spotted, he must be kiled on sight to avoid it growing into God. Once one reaches level 60, they can kill anyone, and anything. They are the best in PvP and PvE.

At least, it was that way until 2007 summer update, when the vocations got balanced and all sorcerers suddenly quit the game, because they were no longer overpowered.

However rumours have it that the 2007 winter update will once again make the sorcerers reclaim their number one spot. (note: Such didnt happen)

Knight

Ok... when you become a Knight, that means you are fully obligated to be everyone's bitch. Tina aka Hannah-Banana was the best knight cept she always got whoever she blocked for killed.. but other than that she was the best! You block all the monsters, stand in the front lines during wars, and even have to make sure no one kills you for the fun of it. Knights don't have any great healing capability, and they can't dish out enough damage to pwn anyone. The worst part of being a knight is training the skills. To get from 20 skill to 80 skill level, it takes 288 hours e 37 minutes. That's 12 days straight. If you do that, you are a failure in real life.

Having skills at 80 won't make you do good damage anyway. To be superior, you need level 100 fighting skill. From 80 to 100 skill level, it takes 1658 hours e 32 minutes. Get real.

Cities

There are many different cities in Tibia, most of which can only be accessed by idiots who spend money on this piece of crap that could easily run on a 8 bit machine

Carlin

This is the city everyone goes to the first time they play the game. The central part of the city which is next to the depot and bank is crammed full of level 8 players at all times; In contrast, everything than cannot be seen on screen from the depot is permanently empty. If you play on a PvP server, better get used to walking on corpses. Almost every BR in the game hangs outside the Carlin Depot constantly claiming to hunt people and asking for free items. City population: 90% BR, 5% English, 4% Poland, 100% Retards.

Thais

The first city made in the game. Ever since other cities were added no one ever moved into Thais again. The best place to find roleplaying faggots.

Ankrahmun

A city based on modern day Egypt and widely renowned as an accurate representation of it.

Kazordoon

A dwarf-infested infernal labyrinth with enemies hiding around the paths between important services such as the depot and bank. Don't go there! Except if your level is over 900, you'll be pklized there 'till Rook again! It is said no one has ever found their way out of this city alive (and it's true).

Port Hope

If you ever go there, tell the lone inhabitant of the city I said hello.


Summary: a.k.a., the point of the game

Mewhenreadingstupidstuff

The skill it takes to be a Tibia player

The point? THE POINT? There is no point to the game. The makers of the game don't care about their customers. The high levels make it miserable for the lower levels. All the people do on there is create drama. So, in other words, to escape from real life problems, they play this online game... where there is drama and problems. The time people put into this game is so MASSIVE, that by the time they quit or finally grow up, they have gotten nowhere.

1. No ending to the game;
2. All the vocations are gay;
3. There is no customer support;
4. Everyone who plays the game is a sexy beast anyways;
5. People make their own servers that are better than the actual tibia anyway;
6. Level takes a lot time and if you die you lose a lot of XP and your items;
7. When you get high level you will figure out that wasting a lot of time doesn't helped your real life;
8. Have Ther Cerza protect you.

There is also one other point, to find friend's and gain love and prosperaty throughout the land of "THAIS" if you are a druid you will enjoy utevo res ina "panda this is the best spell... you win the game if you can do this.

Types of People who play this game

The BRs a.k.a "The Fags" - 65% of the players are BR, it's the 1st biggest Tibia disease. The annual Tibia IQ test shows that most BRs are not very smart, with average IQ of 60. They're many, and always in huge packs, what make the PLs, SWEs and USAs think they're just a bunch of n00bs. Most Brazillians hang around asking "BR?" all day, thinks that speaking portuguese is an obligation for every non-BR player. If you answer a "BR?" with a "no", get sure they'll kill you.

The PLs - 25% of players and 2nd biggest Tibia group, fuck you angole. They're European, Slav lang speaking. The may be fewer, but their lack of cleverness do compensate it. Don't try speaking English, Portuguese, German or Japanese with them, they will always answer "pl?" or "tak" or "daj cos" or "spierdalaj" or "opihaf oishfosa ad09eh fsadioah?". There are some myths about "the cousin-in-law of the uncle of my neighbour saw a clever PL!", but don't get it serious, it's a damn bastard lie! The fact is that most of Hlvls are PL, and they just usualy own USAs and SWEs. They are working on Nonsensopedia, one and only advisable wiki encyclopedia in Poland.

The SWEs - So dumb as the PLs and BRs, but at least they can spell something in English, or fake they aren't so dumbs. They usually pack up with their fellow countrymans, so they don´t show up too much. Most of the HL (High Levels) of the game are made of these. About 7% of players.

The USAs - The other 3% of Tibia players are them, and are in the game like in real life: dumb, narrowminded, "skinny", love anything thats on a stick, lazy, hate anything that isn't American and often smart seeders. They will call anyone who talks to them "n00bs"; and they call "Chicano (what ever that means)" anyone from Central or South America (and they end being PKlized by Brazilians for this). They're a small amount of the players, yet they think they have any rights on it (wtf?). They usually don't pass beginner island.

Nerds - These make up the remaining 3% of the game (They managed to break the 100% barrier).

You - Because you sought this article, no doubt you play or used to.

Me - Well, this sucks (-10%).

Buttsex - Mmmmm.

Nerds in Tibia are often the high levels of the game. Hell, They are pretty much the only high levels in the game. They have an incredible intelligence, but only speak to other nerds about Star Trek, how hot Your Mom is and messaging her Tibia. They are the only ones who pay for the game, and when asked "Why dont you play WoW or EQ?", they will answer "Because i'm too busy doing your mom....". And unfortunately this proves to be correct in 95% of the cases (5% of which is buttsex).

Travel

If one wants to travel in Tibia there are many ways of doing so.

1: You can take a 2 hours walking encountering many monsters who would 'apparently kill you easily' when if you fight them they turn out to be the easiest monsters you have ever fought, then when you get to the other city (there is a massive amount of cities to explore!) but main problem is as soon as you get there some skulled bully will kill you and you'll end up were you started without your items.

2: You can take the boat which only members can use and you WILL be killed on them.

3: You can take a flying carpet. The only safe yet expensive way, however you must be premium and pay CipSoft for this right.

4: You can "follow" someone who happens to be going to wherever you are going. However as soon as you go AFK he will lure a Giant Spider on you and you will get killed, and also die in the process, because nothing is faster than a Giant Spider. Not even a level 110235235 premium using haste, boots of haste and a time ring. EVER.

5: You can get a free teleport to the city that you are a citizen at. However you may lose exp and items in the process.

Health Concerns

Dr. Sushiwaka Kimochang, a Harvard Graduate created for the sole intent of this article, has had health concerns since Tibia's induction.

"Fumu kolika chimichonga" He reports. Continuing further, "Lulina Fuji Tokyo krack"

While difficult to translate, experts agree that the proper translation insists that Tibia causes cancer. They also agree 8 seconds really is the perfect cooking time for a Krispy Kreme donut.

Tibia, also known as...

  • MS Paint Online (Notepad included)
  • Lego Online
  • Atari 2.0
  • Loser's Saturday
  • Always-Demo Game
  • The 3.5" diskette world
  • Ultima Online Beta
  • Waste Of Time
  • The game who is not worthy of the title "game" cause of it's extreme crappyness

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