“We put games on it so you can fail pre-calc, contrary to what you might think.”
“Isn't this the greatest invention ever made? This says that 1 + 1 is equal to 11”
The TI-83 is a portable gaming device created by musicians from Texas. Though it's not really powerful, the games are totally free! The device was created with one goal in mind: hinder all education by making students play games during school. To ensure students would get away with it, the device is outfitted with very convincing calculator functions. The first student to buy one of these was Paul Kozak who lived in Texas all of his life. Later Paul Kozak changed his name to TI. Kozak as a tribute to the Godly TI 83. This trick was so successful that many schools have been tricked into requiring this device. After all, this costs 85 friking dollars (the Ti-84 is upwards of $100, and the super-gaming-calculator Ti-89 is $150), and it is a total waste of money because the Texan musicians (who prefer to remain nameless) have made obscene amounts of money from this device. Said one of them, "We didn't get a real education, so why should anyone else? Do you think we wanted to be musicians? We're from Texas, for Sophia's sake!"
Games on the Ti-83 system are programmed in a language known as "Ti-83 Programming Language" and most require the use of the $2.27 joystick attatchment. The most popular games include:
- Generic Puzzle Quest
- Uncle Worm (what a dumb name, your mom has an uncle named Worm)
- Falldown (or what you do after you die)
- Fallup (or what you do after you die if you've been good)
- Oscar Wilde's Insult Generator - Includes Rat Bastard, Stugotz, Abruzzi, Lemon, and Chaum
- Soviet Tetяis (In Soviet Russia, Tetяis plays YOU!!!)
- Blatant Arcade Ripoff DX
- Crappy Console Port
- Funny Pictures
- Blatant Arcade Ripoff 2: Electric Plagiarism
- Pin the Tail on the Donkey
- Is That a Tennis Ball?
- Super Mario 8
- The Legend of Zelda: The Dot of Time
- It's Almost Math
- Kozak Madness
- Duke Nukem Forever
- WARRIOR and WARRIOR2
Most of the memory and physical space of the unit is taken up by the calculator functionality, but add-ons exist to make it work better.
- The Joystick - Disguised as a USB cord, the joystick has no base. It is used for most games.
- The Multiplayer Link Cable - This device connects two units for multiplayer gaming. When in use, players can activate a "Sending Graph Data" screen. This also allows for sending of death threats by using programs and the ALPHA key.
- Memory Card - This add-on comes with the system. The creators are still trying to figure out how to alter this device so that it can be disguised as a cover without actually covering the screen.
- Microsoft Internet Explorer
The creators of the device knew that surface-level fake math functions wouldn't be enough to fool eagle-eyed hall monitors, so the TI-83 actually performs basic math functions. The menus on the device serve to manipulate it so that its internal calculating power can be used for mathematics. In truth, the device only performs a few basic calculations; the more complex functions are simply altered versions of basic calculations. For example, the factorial, or ! function actually multiplies the number by itself 0.4003953543 times, and the graph function is actually part of a built-in game called Drawing Made Hard! Similarly, the Draw functions are part of another built-in game, Drawing Made Hard Made Slightly Easier!