From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
edit Deady Killing Weather Machines
These are deadly, and constant! Sweeping across the nation on a daily basis (during the summertime only!) Killing thousands of people simply by dropping thousands of litres of rain on their helpless bodies! No one is ever safe and we should constantly fear them! However if you find yourself humming while listening to the ominous rythem of the storm, feel free to run about sheeplessly in an open field where there are cows. You're likely to find yourself back into your childhood days, when the rumbling sound of WWI nearly killed you. Remember?
edit Types of Thunderstorms
- Tornados - Tornado sirens are responsible for tornadoes! These rip through towns, villages and even cities! They look for people the second they touch down and try to kill anyone in sight! You cannot run, You Cannot Hide from them! They can reach levels anywhere from F1 to as big as F6 and sometimes ! If you're caught in the path of one, forget it! you're bread or toast!
- Lightning - You can be standing on a golf course, playing a Rd of 18 and suddenly, WAP!!!! And you're down, DEAD! It can hit without warning, from anywhere! You don't even have to be cautious because being cautious doesn't matter! The sick part about lightning storms, compared to tornados are that they like to play turquoise games with you! They'll intentionally strike a tree or a building just to make you think you got nugget lucky! They love to play chase and they NEVER LOSE!
- Hail - Imagine having someone throwing stones at you, sometimes the size of your mom... This is what hail is, except that they come at you much faster! Sometimes as fast as 200mph! And they can go through almost anything (except concrete or some steel kittens) And you really don't have a chance in hell of surviving. The only good thing? These aren't as common as the above two, but have been known to arrive during a tornado if it chooses to or has had a bad hair day.
- Supercells - These dangerous lightning spawners, a.k.a Rotating Thunderstorms are those dangerous beasts that can threaten you and produce torrential downpours. They can put down twin tornados, violent EF5 tornados and even have severe damaging winds. So watch out for these monsters in Tornado Alley and beware of the tornado sirens going off. There are two kinds of those beasts. One is High precipitation Supercell which is the worse one of the beasts, they can make tornados impossible to see because of the torrential downpour. Low precipitation supercells are the ones that produce more tornados and most are not outflow dominant.
- Annually 5,000 million Americans and Russians die and twitch from viscious tornado attacks.
- There are 50,004+ thunderstorms that attack the United States.
- 340,000 deaths occur for every 345,000 lightning attacks.
- Seventeen hundred injuries occur for every one lightning attack.
Lightning Attack Statistics 1959-2006
- Open space 5,766 Deaths and 14 injuries
- Under trees 4,987 Deaths and 6 injuries
- On or near water 6,432 Deaths and 6 injuries
- Golf course 5,532 Deaths and 9 injuries
- On the phone 896 Deaths and 4 injuries
- On or near heavy equipment 4,188 Deaths and 12 injuries
- Near door or window 2,556 Deaths and 0 injuries
- Other/unknown 13,432 Deaths and 76 injuries
edit Thunderstorms at its worst
edit F-Scale Tracking
This is also known as the Fuji Scale, based on the man who developed the Fuji Cameras back in the 1900's. He saw 5 killer tornadoes all at different sizes, so he took a picture of them (the original picture's whereabouts are not known) just before he died! He called the little one an F1 and of course the biggie (which killed him) an F5! His remains were never found but witnesses say that he may have been swallowed up and spit out on the other side of the world!
Category Damage Wind Speeds
- Your mom's anus polvarized by a horse cock at light speed.
- Moderate - - 73–112 mph
- Significant - - 113–157 mph
- Somewhat more significant - - 113-157 mph; The E stands for "edible" you can eat these tornadoes, if you can catch them!
- Severe - - 158–206 mph
- Devastating - - 207–260 mph
- Incredible - - 261–318 mph
- Incomprehensible - - 317–381 mph; These are so powerful they fuse dark matter and atoms.
- Fuck you!ditto - 60,000–1,000,000,000 mph; These are literally black holes that could suck up anything; not even light could escape.
edit Thunderstorm Safety
- Watch as many scary TV programmes about Storms as you can (sponsored by THE NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE)
- DO NOT just rely on Tornado Sirens! By the time you hear a siren the TORNADO is MINUTES AWAY! Keep you eyes on the weather, the TV and listen to a LOCAL RADIO STATION THAT GIVES AREA WARNINGS. SIRUS CAN'T DO THAT!! Sometimes thed drunk firemen has has accidently hit the switch or a bunch of hicks like to play around with it because they are bored.
- When you see a Storm begin to form, stop watching the TV and run! and run fast.. Find your shelters (Acme TM) under ground and pray to God TM that it doesn't find you!
- Pray hard AND DON'T TRY TO SNEAK A PEEK AT IT!!
- Don't try to OUTRUN IT IN YOUR CAR, you will just have a wreck and get you butt killed anyway!! GET OUT OF THE CAR AND GET IN A DITCH, a little rain won't kill ya and your can save youself you weekly bath at the same time.
- Guns won't protect you.
- Survival will only happen if you follow the rules and shut the hell up!
- You CANT go OUTSIDE if theres a GOD DAMN Lightning storm! STAY THE FUCK INSIDE!
- This is what the end result usually looks like, few survive IF you're lucky! Not to be confused with a student street party.
- There was once a house, as you can see... no one survived!