Thunder Bay

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It should also be noted that once upon a time there was a mythical land call "Robin's Donuts" which like Tim Hortons served many fine products like disformed donuts and the classic 'why the hell is there no filling in my turnover with sub-par coffee'. They had this awful habit of hiring monkeys, as one could imagine monkeys do not make good coffee nor could they add something simple like 3 cream 3 sugar, you'd get too much or none at all... The great empire of Tim's invaded many years ago and secretly began to set up fort in strategic locations around the city... Meaning right beside or in front of the Robin's donuts. Needless to say the giant coffee empire steamrolled over the Robin. When at it's peak you could drive 2 minutes and see a Robin, now you drive 2 minutes and see a Tim... I guess people just didn't like fresh made things laced with sweat and hair as opposed to flash frozen donuts manufactured by the ed-209 donut plant.
 
It should also be noted that once upon a time there was a mythical land call "Robin's Donuts" which like Tim Hortons served many fine products like disformed donuts and the classic 'why the hell is there no filling in my turnover with sub-par coffee'. They had this awful habit of hiring monkeys, as one could imagine monkeys do not make good coffee nor could they add something simple like 3 cream 3 sugar, you'd get too much or none at all... The great empire of Tim's invaded many years ago and secretly began to set up fort in strategic locations around the city... Meaning right beside or in front of the Robin's donuts. Needless to say the giant coffee empire steamrolled over the Robin. When at it's peak you could drive 2 minutes and see a Robin, now you drive 2 minutes and see a Tim... I guess people just didn't like fresh made things laced with sweat and hair as opposed to flash frozen donuts manufactured by the ed-209 donut plant.
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Joshdubbs
   
 
== Entertainment ==
 
== Entertainment ==

Revision as of 16:40, February 12, 2013

Thunder Bay
Flag of Thunder Bay
TB Mountain
The mighty Mount McKay that dominates the south side. Not pictured: Simpson Street.
Location Ontario, Canada
Population Roughly 100,000
Official languages English, French, Finish, Ukraine, Italian, Cree, Ojibway, Finglish, Wigger
Climate Cold...
Founded 1970, with the amalgamation of Port Arthur and Fort William
“Life is like rape. If you can't stop it, then enjoy it.”
~ Oscar Wilde on the residents of Thunder Bay
“Keep on rockin' in the free world... except in Thunder Bay. I've been there once and only got the shakes from a cup of coffee.”
~ Niel Young on This Cloud
“THAT PLACE IS HOLY HELL! LA DE DO DA BACK TO YOU DAVE!”
~ Paul Shaffer on Late Night with David Letterman expressing his love for the city

Thunder Bay (also known as the Elbow of Canada or The Mistake by the Lake) is the largest city in Northwestern Ontario, Canada (who cares about Sudbury?). It is sometimes said that a highway should bypass it so people don't even need to glimpse it. The city is the result of the amalgamation of Port Arthur (now Thunder Bay North) and Fort William (now Thunder Bay South). It is close to Kakabeka, Nipigon, Ignace, and other small towns that nobody has ever heard of. The north side is well known for its view of Lake Superior, while the south side is primarily known for Simpson Street, the spawn of prostitutes and drunks. The city is composed of 25% English speaking residents, 30% Finnish speaking residents, 30% Italian speaking residents, 10% Ukraine speaking residents, and the other 5% of Native languages.

History

Pre-modern times

TB founder

Martin "Grumpy M" Keska, the founder of Fort William. This picture was taken after he founded the fort, where he is saying to himself, "WTF did I found this POS fort in the middle of nowhere?"

European settlement on Thunder Bay began with two French fur trading posts (1679, 1717), where residents would execute beavers and make hats for people. These trading posts were abandoned shortly after their founding, likely due to the cold climate and invading Sasquatch and racist slurs from the beavers. In the early 1800s, Fort William was established by the North West Company, a modern-day Wal-Mart. The founder of Fort William, Martin "Grumpy M" Keska, regretted founding the fort until the day he died. The fort continued to grow, with many Europeans settling into the area, largely Finns due to the area having such a strong resemblance to dull Finland. In the mid 1800s a First Nation reservation was set up near the large Kaministiquia River for the local Ojibway so that they can run around naked and hunt. Also around this time Port Arthur was founded on Lake Superior. A war soon broke out between the two settlements due to Fort William jealous of Port Arthur having such a scenic landscape compared to Fort William's dense forest and unusual amount of rocks everywhere. This war continued until 1970, when the two towns put their differences behind them and formed a marriage bond with each other. The two towns became one, and Thunder Bay was born.

Early to mid 20th century

During the war of Fort William and Port Arthur, both sides began to accumulate large grain elevators, competing to see who could build the biggest. The grain traveled all across Canada, and the two settlements became known for their grain, nicknamed "old yellow". In the early to mid 1900s, settlement grew in the cities, and Fort William's Simpson Street and Frederica Street prospered with many retail outlets. The East End was also created during this time, built entirely by old, strong Ukraines who would inhabit the area for many years. Interestingly, the Great Depression did not greatly impact the two settlements, largely due to food, clothing, and shelter being cheap because nobody really wanted to live in the area other than the Ukraine, Finnish, and Italian. In the mid 1900s, the two settlements were booming, but the war still continued between the two. Around 1956, Port Arthur sent their worst residents and their homeless to Fort William, who took up residing on Simpson Street and Frederica Street. These people changed the two streets forever, with them becoming well known for their parties and bars.

Modern day

Tims

Tim Hortons signs. A Tim Hortons can be found every 500m2

Thunder Bay

Map of Thunder Bay and surrounding area. Note its proximity to surrounding areas. It is unknown why the city was founded so far away from society

In 1970, the two settlements put their differences behind them and ended the war. They then merged and became known as Thunder Bay, with Fort William now referred to Thunder Bay South and Port Arthur now referred to Thunder Bay North.

The city as a whole is well known for the many Tim Hortons in the city. A Tim Hortons can be found every 500m2, often filled with beer bellied 60-year-olds holding large coffee cups. Many motorcycle and mud truck enthusiasts also enjoy using the restaurants and enjoy discussing topics such as rainbows, unicorns, and dead fish. The family-run corporation Dougall Media owns much of the city's businesses, including the four radio stations that only play classic rock and repeat songs up to 10 times a day.

The city includes a college, university, hospital, marina, and red light district. Popular locations include Tim Hortons, the bars on Simpson Street (okay okay, any bar), Silver City on Tuesday nights, and the Marina after dark.

Economy

Thunder Bay is the largest city in Northwestern Ontario, resulting in the surrounding areas being their slaves to it. Or crawling to it due to 1. No other alternatives 2. Tim Hortons or 3. The need for a battery operated turtle neck sweater aka "BOTnS". People who can not find jobs in the city have to travel at least eight hours to either Winnipeg, Manitoba, or Sault Ste. Marie, Ontario, showing how Thunder Bay really is in the middle of nowhere. Much of the city is owned by the Big Five. Other members of the Big Five are Tom Jones, T&T Auto, and Norma Jean's Restaurant. One of the largest mills in the world is also located in Thunder Bay, owned and operated by AbitiBowater. This mill is located in the south side, where it's been said that "dreams go to die, and then take wings and fly". The forestry industry was the main employer, while the rest of the population are city workers or work at the Thunder Bay Regional Health Sciences Centre aka the hospital that is sinking and is quite busy due to all the old people in T-bay, and general lack of BO-TeNS maintenance centres in Tbay. Since the city is north of Toronto (aka "The Centre of the Universe"), the Ontario government doesn't care about it, and the 90% of Canadians do not even know the city exists.

People

Dayforswim

Kitty at the Complex

The people of Thunder Bay are a diverse and interesting bunch. However a larger part of the population consists of drunks, hookers, but it can be agreed that most are bad drivers. People here worship 80's rock music and mullets. Diet is varied and based on ethic and red neck/ blue collar stereotypes. This primarily being McDonald's, and a lot of red meat. Ethic inspiration consists of pierogies and cabbage rolls from the Ukrainians, Fish mojakka and kajalan pirraka from the Finns, Spaghetti and pizza from the Itai's. Other ethic groups have tried to contribute but have had their respective cultures totally subsumed by the depredations of influences such and Bob and Doug Mackenzie in the 80's and the Trailer Park Boys circa 2004-2010. Liquid refreshment consists primarily of coffee and alcohol 24/7. People generally have no money, because they spent it all gas guzzling pickup trucks, fishing boats, red meat, booze and broads. A deep distrust of corporations has developed. This due to massive layoffs from once strong industries. Corporation much like the local paper mills and forest product companies that have raped and pillaged the land. Subsequently new pickup trucks and fishing boats and tackle cannot be ungraded, much to the everlasting chagrin of the red neck Thunder-Bayite. Driver quality, as compared to that nationally have been proven to be well under the median ...well under. Much can be attributed to a large geriatric population but youth driving ability is also is well below the norm. Some examples: drivers that never leave the left lane, drivers who don't know how to turn, and or turn wide or swerve into drug stores aka Janzens Pharmacy (happened twice) Many old men in hats driving old beater trucks ( got laid off by the paper mill), people getting there dick sucked whilst driving down Simpson Street. Many people who stop at green lights just in case they will turn yellow. They also seem to like burning the little money they earn on coffee, alcohol, clothes from Wal-Mart, weed, hookers, heroine, big bags of cocaine, strap ons, dildos, executioner masks, fetish play toys, Jeffery's, lava lamps, bongs and junk from Intercity Shopping Center.Although the regular people are interesting the Hobo-hating police rule the streets, along with a blue car which stones the innocents of Thunder Bay. Fort William is where all this happens, PA (Port Arthur) is even worse but no one has come back to tell of the horrors so there is nothing to talk about. The only safe place in PA is the Hoito, which is the only place where people with THD (Tim Hortons Dependency) go and eat other than Tim Horton's, (because the food is actually fucking cheap and delicious and it makes you want to fuck a blow up toy.) The safest place in the city is Simpson Street, where the most luxurious and well protected homes are (kidding). They are owned by the Hustlers which ingeniously mooch off of the THD sufferers with ways which are guarded by the Hustler's King. Not much is known about this King, however it is rumored that he may be that one blind guy who holds up the 'My Dog Has AIDS' sign.

The Great Coffee Conspiracy

It should also be noted that once upon a time there was a mythical land call "Robin's Donuts" which like Tim Hortons served many fine products like disformed donuts and the classic 'why the hell is there no filling in my turnover with sub-par coffee'. They had this awful habit of hiring monkeys, as one could imagine monkeys do not make good coffee nor could they add something simple like 3 cream 3 sugar, you'd get too much or none at all... The great empire of Tim's invaded many years ago and secretly began to set up fort in strategic locations around the city... Meaning right beside or in front of the Robin's donuts. Needless to say the giant coffee empire steamrolled over the Robin. When at it's peak you could drive 2 minutes and see a Robin, now you drive 2 minutes and see a Tim... I guess people just didn't like fresh made things laced with sweat and hair as opposed to flash frozen donuts manufactured by the ed-209 donut plant.




Joshdubbs

Entertainment

Despite Thunder Bay being a hellish pit from which there is no escape, the town does manage to provide some rather lackluster entertainment. Every year the CLE comes to town, and the dirty & poor townies congregate with the even dirtier & poorer townspeople. The locals flock to the carnival in hopes that when they get on the poorly set up rides they'll fall off, breaking multiple bones in their bodies just so they can feel something other than soul-crushing sadness. Unfortunately, no one has ever died at the CLE, but some came pretty damn near close when that one crazy woman with the knife lost at ring toss a few years ago.

Besides the CLE, the neighboring community of Kakabeka also holds an annual street fair. The street fair isn't nearly as dirty or dangerous as the CLE so not as many people go.

Another popular form of entertainment in Thunder Bay is gnoming. When one goes gnoming, one gets really fucking wasted and steals gnomes from the lawns of the elderly. What you choose to do with the gnome afterwards is entirely up to you. Most people throw them off bridges, others keep them, while the majority of "Gnomers" take photos of themselves receiving head from the stolen gnome which they then post on the Gnoming in Thunder Bay Facebook Group.

Home to Lakehead University’s main campus, many academically inclined people who “think for themselves” flock to Thunder Bay every year only to be horrified to discover (upon arrival) that their airplane was really a time machine, bringing them back to the 1980s and an environment that could only be rivaled by South Africa and the Southern States. In spite of having Magnus Theatre, concerts at the auditorium, myriad outdoor activities and sports, and the ability to learn about Thunder Bay’s rich history and cultural diversity at their disposal, “townies” organize their lives around whichever bar has cheap drinks on whichever night of the week, engage in riveting debates over why Safeway cannot make Persians as well as the Persian Man, and demonstrate why there is no fear of a Thunder Bay resident becoming a Nobel Peace Prize Laureate in the near future. Promulgating hate and racism is only cool and tolerated by the authorities in the missing link that is Thunder Bay.


SOCIAL SCENE The local bar scene can be entertaining varied and fun, or you can be beaten severely. All of these places are filled with what you could consider your typical "T-Bayer," a group of young, acid wash jeans clad balding persons along with a fair number of older cigarette smoking, PBR drinking cougars.

But first any discussion of the bar life in T-bay must lead with an explanation of the nature of the beast. What makes the T-Bayer at the bar "tick"?. The purpose of this primer being to inform softer gentler folk. One prime example is the physically much softer yet intellectually stronger Torontonian who has the propensity to run afoul of the opposite type the T-Bayer.

Indeed it is dangerous for these types to jest at the T-Bay man. The pen is not mightier than the sword in Thunder Bay. The T-Bay man looks dimly at people who cannot even shovel a few centimeters of snowfall off their driveway, or who believe they can just call in the Army to help. The self sufficient, outdoorsy, heavy drinking, strong limbed, heart-like-an-OX Thunder Bayite has little empathy towards the Montessori schooled Toronto weakling, still-on-the-teat types. Times like these can lead to a severe beating of the weaklimbed Torontonian with little effort but an "I'll learn ya!" type attitude from the T-bayer.


First off, The younger girls in town consist of cheap, skantily clad skanks. The guys: ballcap or toque wearing, hockey-loving neanderthals. A young woman's sole purpose in these bars is a self affirmation to be pregnant. The guys are "highshool was it, hockey tried it, liked it, hoped for the NHL, couldn't cut it" types. These ballcap-wearing males are the ones that will get these same girls pregnant. IQ across the board is low. Boozing and broads, and banging the broads, in that order usually take precedent over higher "edumacation" and "fancy booklearnin" of the Torontonians.

But sadly for most the resultant union of these two types with an obvious genetically proven low IQ will in turn produce children that have little chance themselves to rise above the muck. These rotund McDonalds/KFC stuffed kids are a "rolly-poley" type of offspring that will have a better chance rolling downhill, then rising up on any ladder of life.

As luck would have it they too will aspire to a "bar star" lifestyle in the Thunder Bay bars, a full circle of fate that God cannot not sunder.

As life goes on and if things get worse, any of these same people can be seen as the older group in the bar. Failed nuptials have brought these once proud, always stupid, fattened cougars and balding men back to the place that spawned them. Where their best days were had, hoping to re-grasp a forgotten youth. The spring of yesterday full of promise, are now the bitter taste of the fading fall of their collective lives. Aging, they hope to regain some semblance of their former selves through the call of the bottle. Booze, Cigarettes and Cialis, along with the resultant sloppy one-night-stands become only a temporary substitute. Hopping from bed to bed with the frequency of a cheap ham radio, is sadly no replacement for real happiness for people facing the bitter pill of old age. (Ahhh but I digress, Editor)

BOOZE BROADS AND BARS As for the bars, the PORT ARTHUR side won has the preponderance of bar spots, but that doesn't really mean that's a good thing. In the north of T-Bay on Cumberland Ave is the Fastlane a former strip bar now full of greasy rednecks, looking for cheap booze and even cheaper laughs , anything will do for a guffaw or a chuckle, even a beating. People here primarily come from Current River, a place where well, no one goes, and is deader than Riverside Cemetery and just less dead than Westfort. Further south, is the dynamic duo of the Shoreline and On Deck just across the famous Cumberland street. Places whose dirty wood tables and wet urine slicked washrooms, attract a smelly noxious blend of Lowlifes, Treeplanters, and University Students. (it was here that the editor, one booze filled night, drank to the bottom of a plastic jug of cheap draft only to have a used napkin fall out, the manager was Non plussed: Ed Note) The lure of Karaoke at the Shoreline particularly acts as a magnet for many a near-do-well.

Just a short walk south (3 hours of walking for a drunk, 5 minutes for a normal human being, so always quite the trek for all T-bayers) we are into the Heart of Port Arthur. Here one has ample choice of myriad of establishments to ruin ones night. On Red River Road the new narrow cramped and personally overrated Sovereign. Very close are The Apollo and The Office, one or the other rumored to be a gay bar (I wouldn't know: Ed). Black Pirates Pub where no actual black people or pirates go. To add Tony and Adams, or T&A where much T&A can be seen at times.

To add there's Lot66 aka " LOT-666" a pretentious fine dining joint that will turn your gold card tan in one sitting. The Madhouse tops the list for Thunder Bay "Fine Dining" Ie; chicken wings and Nachos. For real "local" T-bay flavour hit the Royalton, drunk natives and prostitutes being the "flavour" (I would not taste it, not even for a free cold Blue).

As to the south end FORT WILLIAM. This area has less actual bars but adds a thrill of the really taking "ones life into someone else's hands" feeling that cannot be underestimated. Here we have the much vaunted Saturday night spot Scuttlebutts, a pickup bar and cougar hangout extraordinaire that is only busy, you guessed on Saturdays. Music is 80 hits, one such hit for example is Billy Idols "Mony Mony". This can oft be heard here packing the dance floor, along the classy "hey ^%ther &*&er get laid get %^^'d" addition to the lyrics. For Friday night "Fun" hit the Rockhouse. An underground dimly lit firetrap, that hasn't changed much since the 80 when it was Buttons Further South and west into the bowels of Fort William are a few tried and old establishments that for the betterment of all mankind should have fallen into any old gaping chasm available. The once busy and proud Wayland, is a great spot to see the ever elusive Westfortian This group has a close affiliation to the Paper Milled storied past of T-Bay. These folks having fallen on bad times, and paid well to rape and pillage the forests of Northwestern Ontario are for the most part laid off from the fading glory of the paper mills. can be found skulking about the area, smelling of stale cigarettes urine and cheap booze. Also in the once proud Westfort is the Brown Street Station, that is if its still standing . To explain, bars in this town that go broke "mysteriously" burn down. Prompting an arson investigation by Thunder Bay's finest, if that is they can get the donuts out of their collective yaps.

Businesses and Services

Some main businesses in Thunder Bay are obviously Tim Horton's which may have very well broken the record for most locations per population then anywhere else. "Tims", as it is often called infiltrated the countless Robin's Donuts coffee houses that pre-existed in the area. The caffeine addiction that Robin's had was eclipsed by Tim Hortons. Offering better service,a rumour of cocaine and an insidious roll up the rim campaign, Robin's was out sold and outwitted. The average Thunder Bay citizen consumes a liter or more a Tim Horton's coffee a day and again the coffee is rumored to contain crack. Other coffee houses including the Robins that still exist ,Starbucks and Independants continue to try and crack the stranglehold that "Timmies" has on Thunder Bay. Robyns seem to lack the slick service of Tims, while Starbucks has too much of a caffienated effect. As such Starbucks injestion usually leads to massve bowel explosion and a expulsion of partialy digested red meat, fish mojjaki perogies and other gastronomical goodies that citizen here traditionally injest ( no vegetables being evident in most cases: Ed) . And neither the independants or starbucks offer a drive up window, a must have with the inclement weather in Northwestern Ontario.

The Battery Operated Turtle Neck Sweater One of Thunder Bays less known but highly sucessfull inventions is the Battery Operated Turtle Neck Sweater or "BOTS". Developed specifically to combat the inclement cold weather of the north, this sweater now modernized, is a must for hardcore outdoor enthusiasts, tradesmen, and more recently the Canadian Armed Forces. It is a true game changer when it comes to living in the cold north. Original versions powered by thermal sources, such as wood and coal, were proven to be bulky, heavy and very dangerous. Many test pilots such as the famous Penti Parjamaki,and later Liugi Collosimo were lost. It is rumoured it took 4 days to put out the conflaguration that engulfed Penti in his wood powered sweater at the Dog Lake Proving Grounds. Allegations of heavy vodka use at the time of testing by Mr Parjamaki were never substantiated. The resultant explosions and fire wiping out the Dog lake facility. In Mr. Collosimos case, at the Nolalu Test Station, olive oil provided the power. Testing went well when again a leak and a spark ( some say the a pasta induced flattulence) started a fire. Mr Collosimo probably would have survived but the Italian Firecrew doused him with red wine (having forgotten any water), drowning the valliant Collosimo, some consolation is that they say he died with a smile on his face. Sacrifices like these were made by many ethnic heros, not only Finn or Italian but Ukranian, French and English peoples. Working through the bugs and sticking through the hard times it was a multicultural success that experts say can never be duplicated, and if so, only in Thunder Bay. It wasnt until Decemeber 1964 when a breakthrough in the form of a less bulky but still primitive lead acid battery version found much acceptance. Advent of the Ni-Cad and lithium battery have produced sweaters even more effective. Thunder Bayites so equipped have adopted the moniker of "Hotter-Longer" with pride. While local sucess was guaranteed, it was military issues in Canada's far north that proved the BOTS worth. Canada has recently been threatened by a change in Russian and world policy in resource rich but uninhabited north. Aggressive international posturing by the Great Bear of Mother Russia, and even long time ally the USA, has theatened Canada's claims to the Northwest Passage . This has prompted recent sweater testing by the Canadian Armed Forces. Testing that has indeed proven that the sweater allows our military men and woman to add much less insulative bulk to the combat kit, even in comparison to modern advanced textiles. Staying "Hotter-Longer" whilst being less encumbered, allows our soldiers to carry more kit in the field making a typical soldier 73% more effective then a Russian Spetnaz trooper. Its is postulated that a single battalion of BOTS wearing CAF forces armed with Guided muskets, Ukranian Rocketlawnchairs and a few cases of Blue and persians could withstand the onslaught of Ten battalions of Russians for two weeks. It is now predicted this sweater, harkening from its simple roots, will insure Canadas Soverienty in the North for decades to come! Currenty R&D is concentrating on alternative powered versions. Oil Sands, Solar and wind powered sweaters are now on the drawing board.

Other business's such as Wal-Mart and the many stores of Intercity Mall attract the entire population, when they aren't drinking coffee or driving like morons. People of Thunder Bay enjoy buying video games, cars and clothes but have a deep desire for coffee all the same.


Thunder Bay has an abundance of services such as the Thunder Bay Regional Health Sciences Centre aka. The Body Factory which churns out dead people faster then Thunder Bay's population is moving away. This hospital cost over 15 trillion dollars and is rumored to be funded by Bill Gates to make bodies for him to eat (he is a cannibal).

Thunder Bays only black citizen, known only as Jonathan, runs three small time businesses including Jonathan's Auto Sales, Jonathan's 99 cent Store, and of cousre the racially sterotypical Jonathan's Fried Chicken.

There have been some major businesses that left to more prosperous locations such as Kakabeka Falls. One of these businesses is Larry's Bait which sells more dead fish than your mother on a Saturday night (hahaha.... seriously). Odena Super foods nearly went out of business because people in Thunder Bay have grown dependent on a Tim Horton's only diet and so they don't need real food. Fortunately, Kakabeka residents do not suffer from this problem, known as Tim Horton's Dependence, or THD. Kakabeka has been Tim Horton's free for over 80 years.

Bowater (as shown above) is a beautiful building built along main entrance to the town. It claims to produce paper without polluting the environment, but researchers say it puts the equivalent of one atomic bomb of radiation in the river every year. Other less reliable sources claim that it produces clouds for the rest of the world to enjoy. We think these people are crazy because we don't think cloud factories exist.

Thunder bay has some great entertainment; those drunk natives down by kam park.

Exports

The only export is the dark cloud that looms over the Thunder Bay mill.

This cloud consists of:

  • 95% Coffee fumes
  • 2% Dead Bodies
  • 4% Hobo sickness
  • 1% Woodwind Instruments

Monthly this cloud is rounded up by the UN and is used to greatly weaken the enemies of the free world.

City Symbols

Thunder Bay's city symbols include a bunch of rocks that aren't located in the city, some more bigger rocks that aren't in the city but look kinda like a person, and a sexually ambiguous bald guy that entertains Americans.

Chocolate Moose Created as the Official Mascot of the 1983 Canada Summer Games. This large brown Moose was an inspiration for the song "Chocolate Moose, pull Down Your pants and let it Hang Loose". Chocolate Moose fever filled the streets of Thunder Bay that summer prompting an undeniable large increase in the local birthrate 9 months later. Its effect was so thorough it is thought that it even effected then Mayor Walter Assef who full of "fever" actually touched the rear end of then and now Queen Elizabeth 2 at the opening of the Summer Games. Nationally and Internationally Royal lovers were outraged, but really no one in the actual City cared. In fact one alderman spun the whole episode as "good marketing ". Later when a chagrined and apologetic Assef was asked why he did the dastardly deed, he simply stated " they said Queen and I though she was Eddy Mercury! "and added under his voice

"I'd tap that"   

Giant Heart In the early 90's in an attempt to ressurect the fever and passion of 1983 local marketing braintrusts hired by Fraser Dougall Media at CKPR radio and Television affected the moniker "We have a Giant Heart in Thunder Bay". The idea based on overused everpresent geological landmark of the Sleeping Giant across Lake Superior from the City of Thunder Bay. T shirts with a big heart were promoted, as well as long series of commercials on local TV with a jingle to this effect. However this produced no repeat of "Chocolate Moose fever" and in fact it elicited a strong dislike of the whole affair. The song was overplayed on the local TV and Radio feed by CKPR prompting longstanding and severe backlash. A phone survey had repondents using such terms as

" a turd", "lame", "sucks ass ",and " &*#ing brutal dooood". 

Years later, the Giant heart would come back to haunt Thunder bay. Medical studies found residents indeed had a "giant hearts". But sadly not in a good way. Statistically Thunder Bay residents had been found to have some of the worst incidence of Heart Disease in Ontario.This being no surprise considering the high fat and cholesterol laden diet of the average Thunder Bay citizen. Cardiomegally or "enlargement of the heart" being a side effect many types of heart disease. So in the end, it was ironic that while Thunder Bay residents rejected the Giant Heart Campaign, there own Myocardiums embraced the idea "whole heartedly".

Further Symbolism Later more marketing led to a "Thunder Bay, pleased to meet you" campaign. Again the spin was on by some of Thunder Bays brightest marketers. ( read :pretty dim) Again reality came back to twist this slogan into a more real and shabby truth. The City had recently been shown to have one the highest incidence of violent crime in Canada. the term "Thunder Bay pleased to meet you" became,

"Thunder Bay ,pleased to beat you"

This ill defined and construed campaign died a quiet death. And left this writer and many others with a hope that the marketers of this slogan had promptly left town with empty wallets. Or failing that with a good beating, that was not so severe, that they could not walk drive or fly out past the city limits!

Secrets

Thunder Bay's university is kind of a huge joke. People who actually go there like to pretend that it is actually a school for X-Men. There are many X-Men in the Thunder Bay region because of the poisonous waters of Lake Superior. These X-Men attend the school and then move to important cities. Another reason why this town was chosen was because there are so little people that they would not be detected.

Thunder Bay has a series of tunnels that run under the city and there are so many that in the case of war Thunder Bay would be unbeatable because the people would remain hidden. Well... that and the fact that half of Thunder Bay's inhabitants are Finnish.

Thunder Bay has an excess of cults such as the Hatredists that believe that the evil gods aka. Zeus have sent them to this hell called Thunder Bay and that if they drink enough coffee and become more and more poor that god will reward them by sending them to the promised land of Alberta. The Robinists believe the opposite: that Thunder bay is a heaven and that if they stay and drink coffee they will soon see the light and Thunder Bay will be changed for the better. In truth both religions are dumb because Thunder Bay is a pit, you can't move away because houses are impossible to sell and it will never change for the better.

Thunder Bay is famous for persians, otherwise known as those pink donuts with pink icing on top. Although their origins are unknown, Thunder bayans think they are made from Jesus' feces, because they taste like sticky, round little pieces of Heaven. Some have said that the persian man is infact the head of thunder bays mafia, and just uses the persians as cover. It is also said that the persian man is a homosexual, I mean really pink icing?

There are highway traffic act regulations that only apply in thunder bay, such as the 'Thunder-Bay Turn', in which a motorist will make a left turn and proceed directly into the right lane with no shoulder check or signal, or likewise, right turn to left lane. It is a common occurrence here, so common in fact that the locals believe it to be proper driving, and visitors should be made aware of this phenomena via massive warning signs as you enter city limits to avoid potential catastrophic motor vehicle collisions.

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