From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
“I'm getting one of those things... You know, a headache with pictures?”
Thinking really doesn't have much of a purpose in reality. It only exists because God enjoys a good laugh and seeing humans walking and talking in a coherent way really seems to give him the kicks. Thinking gives the illusion of doing something when, in reality, you are merely waiting to think. Much like waiting for a bus or termination. It was invented by Edward de Bono (although some may contest that Joseph Stalin had a significant role in its developement).
edit History of Thinking
Day of Creation: God needed a laugh
Day after Creation: God still needed a laugh
A few more days after creation: Man invented
6 seconds later: Thought comes into being
7 seconds after the creation of man: God got his really good laugh
Present day: God still getting quite a good laugh watching us humans try to be "smart". If you wish to see this in action, just watch two Americans communticate. You'll mostly hear "McDonalds, McDonalds, McDonalds, McDonalds, hungry, McDonalds, McDonalds, McDonalds."
edit The future of thinking
In the future, thinking will be regarded as a luxury and therefore heavily taxed and rationed. The Right Way of Thinking will be the cheapest to obtain, available in large amounts.
edit How to think
- Get a brain - A good brain usually costs somewhere in the range of $400-500, but a slightly cheaper second-hand brain can be purchased for less than $100.
- Try it out - Don't expect miracles! High-quality thinking can take many days to perfect.
Note: Don't expect instant results.Especially if you're American.Or Paula Abdul. And if you so happen to be the unlucky bastards who is BOTH Paula Abdul and American then tough luck and nobody really cares
Thinking is a huge waste of time, which is why americans ignore it and stuff thier faces with McDonalds instead. Due to this boom in stupidity, the prices of brains have gone down quite a bit. For example, I just bought myself a new, fresh brain for only $300!
Power of reasoning; idea, concept; attention, consideration.
edit Examples of Thought:The brain is likened to a popcorn machine continually producing bubbles (kernels) of thought. Once the person receives the thought, the bubble pops and voila! It’s gone; but another is always there to replace it. Some are apparently void of thought while others seem to be consumed with the invisible matter – not actually having thoughts, but with the concept. Young women particularly, between the ages of approximately 19-29 are so obsessed with thought that they ask their boyfriends/husbands, “What are you thinking?” a minimum of seven times per day. His response is consistent, “Nothing.” She never believes him, which is the reason she continues to ask. However, he has been entirely truthful. That is, until the 4th or 5th time she asks, and then he’s thinking, “I wish she’d shut up.” Some make the mistake of saying so, resulting in hours of accusatory sobbing banter. (i.e. “You don’t love me anymore; why don’t you treat me like you used to; etc.)
Also, the brain has thought up an amazing creature called the marmot.
edit The Power of Thought:
A thought is any place or moment in time, free-floating through the many dimensions of the universe. Thoughts are in no way limited to the confines of the physical/tangible world or the restrictions of logic (i.e. imagination). Thought is entirely capable of occupying past, present, or future realms, and any imaginable alternative versions thereof. It is believed by quantum physicists to be our only true connection to absolute freedom and unfettered reality (which, of course, is relevant). Thought is equal and comparable to the gods. By a mere thought, one creates, embellishes, rearranges, and/or destroys. Thought controls every aspect of life and death – emotion, action, and reaction. Thoughts are living beings created by the thinker. Yet, once the thought is released into the universe it becomes an independent entity, entirely free to act upon its creator in an equal and opposite fashion. (formula:) Thought=emotion=action=reaction; Thought=logic=action=result.
edit Breakdown of Thought:
While logic is preferable to emotion (and preferable to stupidity) problems can arise when logic is impeded by a strictly illogical thinker. It may seem entirely logical for a person to write a spoof article for the ludicrous online publication known as, “Uncyclopedia”. However, in view of the fact that this Internet site is strictly a hoax perpetuated by individuals who have nothing better to do than engage in fantasy-type expression, the idea of such activity being logical is absolutely asinine – as is the idea that propane-grilled burgers taste better than charcoaled meats.
Social problems occur with the breakdown of thought, when logic becomes the absurd and order turns to chaos. Such infractions of physical law also result when people are completely devoid of logic. Unfortunately, those individuals wreak havoc on the social structure by their own delusions of logic, and almost invariably viewing themselves as not only quite intelligent, but of superior intellect. Thus, the abnormal becomes normal and insanity invades society. Within the last twenty-five years, the United States has experienced an explosion of blatant stupidity, whereby all half-witted (or no-witted) people overpopulated the country through mass-producing approximately 5.9 offspring per female, while the intelligent persons procreated merely 1.2 offspring per couple. That trend has continued over the last quarter century, with offspring producing like numbers per category. By the year 2050, Sociologists have predicted the US will experience the Dark Ages. The general population will be of one mind, blindly following a self-appointed leader in the practices of paranoia and superstition. The remaining minority of intellectuals will either be forced to denounce their own logic or be burned at the stake.
edit The Writing is on the Wall:
The evidence of this quickly growing trend has never been so palpable until the wide-spread use of Internet communications. Approximately 95% of the users in every blog, forum, and chat are guilty of unthinkable grammatical sabotage. Incorrect spelling, improper use of punctuation/capitalization (or the lack thereof), and absolute slaughter of the English language are among the atrocities committed by these language perpetrators. In the not-so-distant future, this country will inevitably change the national slogan from “Liberty and justice for all” to “We may not be smart, but we’re tough!”
This rapidly increasing breakdown of thought/logic is also evident in the classrooms of public schools. Entire departments are operated for the “learning disabled” while the blossoming geniuses are black-balled by the staff for being smarter than the teachers. While special favors and incentives are lavished upon the sports’ players, the intellectually and artistically superior children are beaten unmercifully by those children who are the future creators of America’s new slogan-to-be.
edit Lapses in Thought:
Known as “brain farts”, lapses in thought (or memory) most commonly occur the day after a big night of partying. This phenomenon also transpires quite frequently for seemingly main-stream individuals who didn’t party the night before, but who spent the entire 1970s decade in a perpetual black-out. Brain fart is not to be confused with the odd aroma emanating from a generally thoughtless person who experiences a rare and genuine thought. This occurrence is called a “miracle.”
Mike Tyson on a televised interview: “Hey Gumbel, I just had a thought.” “Oh, is that what that smell is?” Bryant Gumel.
Frequently associated conditions include brain stutter, or mental blank spots and temporarily brain dead, or spacing out. The latter is not to be confused with “daydreaming”. The art of daydreaming involves highly creative and ingenious thought discipline which allows the partaker to be surrounded by a din of activity and still maintain the imaginative and meditative state without environmental distractions. Spacing out, on the other hand, involves a short period of time (actual length varies dependent upon the intellectual evolution of the specimen) when the individual becomes catatonic or even comatose. The frontal lobe ceases to function and absolutely no thoughts are formed during this brief period.
Example: The lights are on, but nobody’s home. Or: The Wheel is spinning, but the hampster's dead.
Mental blank spots, or brain stutter, occur when various pieces of the thought process go missing. The result is obvious gaps in relayed information, as when a person, in mid-sentence, suddenly forgets what they were talking about and why. Scientists speculate this phenomenon occurs when beings from other worlds interrupt the space-time continuum to extract random sample neurons from a human brain. In earth time, a brain stutter appears to happen spontaneously within a nano-second, but time has actually been paused for debated periods of time for this alien procedure. The lost thought is rarely ever recovered and the referenced conversation suddenly changes course.
"And now for something completely different . . ." ~ John Cleese
Further examples of brain stutter include those individuals who habitually ramble, switching from one topic to another (entirely unrelated) without a pause or any obvious lead-in. Some have observed to cover five to six entirely unrelated topics in an ongoing monologue of one long run-on sentence. This stutter, sometimes classified as “verbal diarrhea”, happens so quickly and without interruption that scientists are still investigating the matter. At this time, no speculation has been released as to possible causes.
edit See Also
- Train of Thought
- SEHS (Spontaneously Exploding Head Syndrome)
- Something to Think About
- Lateral Thinking
- Parallel Thinking
- The Indestructible Properties