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“You wouldn't catch me on that death trap - the safety net's too small.”
“What a disappointment”
“I am so excited to ride a roller coaster targeted at emotionally unstable 13-22 year olds”
Thorpe Park is a theme park/undercover rehab centre for chavs situated in Surrey, England. The park mostly resembles a concrete slab outside Burger King and caters mostly for on the dole chav families and enthusiast fanboys and "need to get a girlfriend" emo teenagers with long oily black hair.
The park is run by Merlin, a wizard with magical powers who is also the homosexual lover of King Arthur Pendragon. Merlin decided to open a theme park once he discovered that Olde England was being overtaken by an army of foul mouthed Nike wearing brutes with shaven heads and cockney accents. This worried Merlin and so he decided to steal a concrete slab outside Waterloo station Burger King and make it a hundred times bigger. On this oversized concrete land he constructed numerous nauseating contraptions designed to terrify the "brutes" whilst also lining Merlin's pocket.
The latest contraption will be called "The Swarm." The ride is named after the illegal immigrants that are "swarming" over London. The ride's code name is LC12 which is almost as shit as 'Stealth' for a code name. The ride opens some time in Spring. This news has caused many emo kids to purchase even more boxes of tissues as they just can't keep the jizz inside their bodies. The ride was recently slammed in the Telegraph over worries that the sharper elements caused the limbs to be torn from "testing dummies." The article read "We are concerned that this ride is dangerous to dummies. What with the country we live in, where 99.56% of the public are dummies, we are concerned for their safety. We will be calling this Merlin chap and advising The Swarm not be opened. Next you will be telling us that one of your rides had to be located due to being on sacred haunted ground!"
A recent survey suggested that 99.9% of male 'thrillseekers' that go to THORPE PARK go there to look at girls' boobs after they have ridden Tidal Wave. These males are often seen in crowds on 'Pier 13', many geared up with binoculars.
The park has many online 'fansites', the sort of websites where you click a thumbnail and nothing comes up.
The park was opened in 1879 by Henry VIII shortly after he killed his 4th wife. The main attraction at the time was the first catapult attraction in the UK, where small cats were launched from rubber bands into the surrounding cesspit. Other early attractions include XXX:\What The F*&# and Tidal Wave (known as Titanic at that time). Both these rides continue to stand (but rarely operate) to this day.
Shortly after the park's opening it sought to compete with Brighton Pier's ride prices on food alone (luckily rides didn't cost per ride) they were just £300.00 for unlimited rides (well the open ones) as for Brighton Pier's £2000.00 per ride charge.
edit Creche Service
There is a creche service available. To access the park's child care facilities simply give each child £60 and send them to a drink vending machine and then leave. Your children can be picked up from the lost and found office conveniently located by the park exit at the end of the day.
edit Food and Drink
Refreshments are a little on the pricey side at £60 per bottle of water, but that is a small price to pay to stop kidney failure due to dehydration.
All the usual fast food outlets are present, ranging from KFC to Nemesis Nosh, Colossus Canofpeas, Stealth Burger, Saw Burger, Burger Burger, "Flying" Fish n Chip Shop, Burger King, Burger Queen and Bingo Wings Fried Chicken.
The staff are friendly for Londoners and remember, unless you want special sauce, do not engage in laughing at their low-income jobs until after you receive your food. In addition to special sauce, the staff will phone up park security in floods of tears, accusing you of having raped them. After this, you will be forcibly removed from the park and escorted to the local police station, along with the (average) 49 other people who have been accused of raping staff members on the day. Normally the best time to go ride the rides is at lunch time when all the fat people are feeding.
Every ride in the park has a 'run-down' theme. The park lie that this is to provide an interesting and exciting experience for guests, but really, it's because they can't be arsed to repaint the theming every five years.
edit Port Atlantis
The main attraction of this large pointless dome is the bar. This is an essential part of every visit as a crafty shot of cheeky Vimto or Absinth in between every ride (after you've left the queue that is) makes for a more interesting day. Anything takes the edge off the freezing temperatures of a hot English summer.
edit Amity Cove
edit Tidal Wave
The main attraction in Amity Cove is Tidal Wave, built in 1827 and shipped over from France. It is an old favourite that should be blown up. Over the course of half an hour, the ride takes riders 100 feet in the air and drops them into a slightly damp sponge far below. A recent survey suggested that 99.9% of male "thrillseekers" that go to THORPE PARK go there to gather on Pier 13 with binoculars and look at girls' boobs after riding Tidal Wave. For those of you that don't want to risk piles from walking around in damp thongs all day a 0.5 watt heater/dryer is available for £300 a minute.
It's a common misconception that Tidal Wave is themed around a tsunami. In fact, the 'devestated' look is only really due to the fact that it hasn't been repaired, repainted or even remotely maintained since it opened in 2000.
Thorpe Park's biggest attraction, Stealth is situated in Amity Cove. The ride resembles a large phallus which is said to reduce homosexual chavs to jerk off in the queue line. Stealth is a pioneering new rubber band launch Intamin rocket hyper-active disorder coaster that takes 60mg of Ritalin before shooting riders out of the station several inches inces into the sky. A common misconception is that the ride can actually go a whole day without breaking down. This has been proved to be FALSE. If you need to find the maintenance team (a man called Bob, or Jeff) he can normally be found scratching his head while looking at the rubber bands under this ride. A common failure of the ride is rollback, which is caused by a lot of fat b*s*a*d* sitting towards the back of the train. This then results in the fat people being ejected from the park and the slightly less weighty ones get another ride without having to queue. The ride comes to a disappointing ending as the ride takes 17 seconds to finish and the lap restraints take 17 minutes.
edit Lost City
The Lost City is a hard place to write about and an even harder place to find (which is why its hard to write about). When you finally find the Lost City it is worth the hunt because there is:
- Zodiac, a roundabout
- Rush, a swing
- Vortex, a roundabout sellotaped to a swing
And Colossus, the park's first real roller coaster. Built in 2000 by Intamin, a company notable for creating unreliable (and dangerous) rides, Colossus is the worlds first money extraction coaster, and has been cleverly designed to remove all your spare change, body piercings, belly button fluff, internal organs and small children from your possession. To save money, the park maintenance team (Bob) has removed all the wheels from this ride to save greasing the bearings. The sound of grinding metal can be heard all over London, even above the constant sound of gun shots. On this ride, you experience being uʍop ǝpısdn a minimum of 10 times, which is historic evidence to show that the ride was in fact imported from Magaluf.
No: Way Out To Sex was originally designed to disappoint guests and make them leave thinking about how much time they wasted in the queue. It is located in a pyramid so guests cannot see how poor the ride actually is and will still waste their time standing in a long queue to experience a piece of crap, this is obvious by the guests' disappointed looks as they exit the pyramid and remarks such as " it was sh*t". No: Way Out To Sex was given an 'upgrade' in 2013, wich consisted of a string of old fairy lights being put up in the queueline.
edit Calypso Quay
Nemesis Inferior is an attempt to imitate Nemesis at Alton Towers. The designers failed to top the reputation of the original Nemesis, but at least it was better than Infusion at Blackpool Pleasure Beach. The result is the ideal ride for patrons with back problems, heart conditions, intoxication, impotency, or old age. Nemesis leaves the station, enters a cave of dry ice to fuck up any asthmatics, does something else, and then returns to the station. This is the longest ride in the park and takes a staggering fifteen seconds to complete the circuit.
The main similarities of this ride to the Nemesis in Alton Towers (besides the name) is the teenage, pregnant, spotty staff, all of whom have attended the thirty-minute course on advanced roller coaster operation procedures and checking safety belts.
Just outside the KFC take-away is every anorexic's favorite ride, Detonator. This one hundred foot high stomach pump is designed to help even the fattest of fatties lose weight. It is fun for all the family. Everyones flab goes flying!
edit Crumba Crapids
After a hectic day, what's better than to hide in a wet and dark cave? Ensure you don't lift an arse cheek off the seat as the staff won't hesitate to scream at you over a nearby speaker. Crumba Crapids and all the park's water rides pump their water fresh from the cesspit surrounding the park, to ensure you still have that Thorpe Park Smell weeks after your visit.
Ever wonder why Rumba Rapids has that distinctive shitty smell about it? Probably something to do with the sewage treatment plant across the lake.
edit Other rides
"Time Voyagers"- A "4D" "film" where you are sprayed with dirty lake water and have air blown in your face. Guests often respond with their own "4D effects" by launching various projectiles at the screen and staff members.
"Mr. Monkey's Banana Ride" is an 18+ sex attraction in which guests pay a male prostitute dressed as a monkey £50 to ride his 'banana' for ten minutes at a time. Unfortunately, this ride had to be closed down after an elderly woman in her 90s booked every ride of the day, causing guests to complain.
edit Canada Creek
Canada Creek is another "themed" section of the park. Among its rides are a log flume that breaks down regularly, resulting in long lines, a train ride that no longer goes anywhere at all significant, and Slammer, a ride that was notable for causing extreme shoulder pain (among other pain) and burst vanes in the heads.
edit SORE: The Ride
Riders are tested by Jigsaw to see how long they can stay in the queue whilst the ride shuts down every 10 minutes.
As unimaginative as the name seems, it could easily be worse. How about Brea Plaza's 'SAW Haunted Attraction Presented By Pizza Hut and Monster Energy'? No, seriously, Google it.
edit Neptune's Kingdom
Another pointless attraction from the days before rides were invented is the beach. The beach is a Plaster of Paris mock up of a beach, complete with realistic water, sharp shells and sharks. What better way to spend the day after paying the price of a small London flat to enter the park, than to sit on a pretend beach?
WARNING: Do not attempt to make any mobile phone calls while on the beach, the staff will accuse you of trying to take pictures of little kids.
edit Virtual Q
Another new attraction to this park is the Virtual Q, in which you join a long queue line that goes right around the park. Every few hours, riders get to see a sign saying things like two hours from this point, until they leave the queue line back they started. Hours of fun for everyone.
Another of Thorpe Park's ingenious ways of skipping the queues which last longer than the queue boards care to say, is fastrack. There are many different fastrack packages available from as little as just £3,000,000. And for this lifetime investment of money you get the fantastic opportunity to skip a wopping 3 seconds of queueing time for rides which you've ridden 1,264 times before. Guaranteed to make you broke, though most of Thorpe's guests find this a reasonable price to pay.
edit Single Rider Queue
Thorpe Park is the ideal place to go if you are single, smell of BO (although those with BO will be banned from the park if caught), or just have no friends. People socially challenged can get to jump the queue line. Fans of the rides (most of them homeless) use this to ride the same ride over and over again. It was reported that many single rider whoring fanboys have died of shock after Thorpe Park realised its guests were too fat from the vomit they offer to shove down their guests mouths for lunchtime for the exit to handle having a single rider queue. However realising this Thorpe Park have added a Single Rider Queue for the Flying Fish, meaning that parents who allow their children to go off for a nice ride on their own are inevitably horrified to find their offspring sat next to a rather dodgy looking theme park enthusiast. Terrifying small children by using this method is not reported to be compulsory, but most of the people who would actually choose to single rider the Flying Fish have a natural gift for this anyway.
edit New for 2010
To attract as many chavs to the park as possible, Thorpe Park have advertised a new attraction for 2010. Named 'The Big Erection', in an attempt to make all the internet-obsessed brats on Facebook laugh, the attraction consists of a real shark shoved into the side of a KFC building. Bob, manager of the Disappointment Department at Thorpe Park, stated: "We are pleased to announce that we will be scamming billions of chavs by advertising our Big New Erection as a ride, when in fact we found the shark dumped in one of the toilets during our 50-yearly clean. We hope that all the vandals who flock to the only part of the park where they feel at home, KFC, will notice the shark and try and set it on fire so that we don't have to." The attraction is named 'The Big Erection' because the uptuned tail of the shark sticking out of the building 'looks lak a pay-ness!' according to a passing imbecile.
Also new for 2010 is the new 'SORE: Alive' horror maze opening next to SORE: The Ride. Visitors are tested to see how long they can stay in a cattle-pen queueline, estimated to gain up to 560 hours once the chavs hear about it; until they are finally lead on to an old boat that Thorpe Park found rotting in the lake. Scenes in the maze include the park's actual oldest toilet which has been freshly pissed all over as part of Thorpe Park's competition to find the smelliest excrement, a room where a man whose intestines are showing sits up a bit, then lies back down again and a room where people that look like they've tried to eat red face-paint grab your leg. Jigsaw from the SORE movie franchise tells those who queued to get on the boat that he "wants to play a game". He plays a version of Truth or Dare in which he chooses whether to force them to go on Colossus or make them queue up again. Bob, Head of Disappointment, said: "The purpose of SORE: Alive is merely to watch all the idiots who gave us their money get raped at the end."
edit New for 2011
This year, ride staff have successfully broken into the abandoned Cypress Gardens in America and torn down a cheap-o water ride to claim as their own. The ride was initially designed for four-your-olds, however the park have cleverly disguised this by putting a picture of screaming chavs up at the construction site. As with all of Thorpe Park's rides, it opens once a century and when it does it constantly breaks. Sensors on the water ride break if they get wet. Guests are reminded to put on their THORPE PARK RAINCOATS (Only £1000 from any Thorpe Park Store) when they enter the queue line, as this is where they are most likely to get wet due to the ride falling apart. The CEO of Merlin said *facepalm* in response.
edit New for 2012For the park's new attraction in 2012, employees will be bombing the village of Thorpe to create yet another disaster-themed ride (see above), and, as an extra-special treat, will be amplifying their incredible theming efforts as seen in the past few years, more smashed up bricks will be flung about than ever before, and they might even consider plonking not just one but TWO over-sized vehicles stolen from an American hillbilly's driveway around the area! This is how you do theming, Disney!
edit New for 2013
Over recent years, Thorpe Park have been begged constantly for the hotel they can't be arsed to build. So, "to shut everyone up" (as quoted from the park's general manager), they will be fishing abandoned shipping containers from the English Channel and putting old mattresses they found abandoned behind a local Tesco inside, branding this new investment as the 'Snoozebox'. Chavs will pay £40 per night (discounted to £20 if they present their ASBO) to stay inside one of these 'hotel rooms', and will be locked in the airtight containers until 9:30 the next day, when they will be forced into 'Early Ride Time' "whether they're ready for it or motherfucking not", according to one of the park's developers.
Also new for 2013, the park have announced that they will be screwing the two back rows of THE SWARM on backwards, which they claim will increase the chances of death and/or whiplash by at least 40%. The back two rows are expected to fall off roughly seven times a day, mainly due to the dodgy Filipino engineers the park hired to maintain the ride, who thought screwdrivers are sex toys. All corpses will be thrown around the area and used as theming for the ride.
edit Fright Nights
Special nights are held every year called Fright Nights, where Bob sits down and tells everyone just how little work he does and points out general important repairs he can't be arsed to do. The evening finishes off with a terrifying ride on the ever decaying Colossus which leaves guests feeling as though they've been hit with a giant hammer about 12 times. Thorpe park has 'mazes' on fright nights in which they attempt to scare and disturb people, especially children. They attempt this by placing actors around in the mazes that ARE allowed to touch you but YOU are not allowed to touch them other wise they'll shout out 'rape'. We didn't really find it that scary but it was disturbing when they come up to you and try to hump you to death but you can avoid this by shouting 'fuck off you jew'. People regularly suffer heart attacks or die in these attractions, if this happened the usual procedure is to slide the body through the maze and dump it at the end.
For 2011, Thorpe Park are making the park scarier by challenging you to wait all night for Saw to be back in operation while someone steals/attempts to steal your car.
Thorpe Krap is well known for its many marketing scams, such as the recent 'Say No to BO'. This was introduced after the park decided all its guests smelt bad. The result was that raising arms on rides may have result in
Rape being ejected from the park. This backfired and resulted in every guest flinging their arms everywhere to escape back to Chessington World of Adventures (AND ZOO!!!!11!!1) where they were all locked in Bubbleworks due to an animal escape.
The park also once tried to attract customers by featuring in reality tv show 'The Inbetweeners' and showing real park guests having a genuinely shite day out. This marketing was successful, and attracted over 10,000 chavs to the park over the following few months, making the park a total of £100,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 in 'rip-off profits'.
edit Worst Theme Park of the Year Award
Since when it opened in the 19th century, Thorpe Park has consistantly won the award for worst theme park annually without fail. A member of the marketing team commented: "While we did not originally intend to win this award, we now make a constant effort to make sure we rewin this award every year. We ensure that guests have the worst day out possible so that we can reclaim our award, year after year.".
edit Thorpe Village
Located just across the Manor Lake from Thorpe Park, is the quaint old village of Thorpe. Similarly to the residents of Alton, Thorpe's residents are well known for kicking up a huge fuss at the slightest hint of any sound, branding it as 'noise pollution' and sending death threats to Runnymede Council in response. The discomfort of Thorpe's residents brings Runnymede Council great joy, and to maximise the distress caused to all who live in Thorpe, Runnymede Council have decided to try and cause as much noise pollution as possible for their own amusement. They have done this by building: a theme park (and a noisy one at that), a jetski club, a motorway crossjunction, an industrial estate, a quarry, a sewage treatment works, one of the world's largest airports, and two major towns - all around the once quiet village of Thorpe. This has caused Thorpe residents extreme misery, and now Runnymede Council spend their days chuckling to themselves reading letters from irate Thorpe residents while sitting in their air-conditioned, sound proof offices.
edit See also
- ↑ Thurlow, M. & Wilson, B. (2009) "Dozens stranded as new £13m Saw ride breaks down at Thorpe Park celebrity launch party". Daily Mail Online, Thursday 12 March. Available at: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-1161461/Dozens-stranded-new-13m-Saw-ride-breaks-Thorpe-Park-celebrity-launch-party.html O
- ↑ Theme park bans thrill seekers riding roller coasters