Thomas and Friends
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“I'd pay a million for a ride on him!”
~ Oscar Wilde on Thomas the Tank Engine
“What's a Parody?”
~ Percy the Small Engine on Uncyclopedia
“You have caused Confusion and Delay!”
~ The Obese Controller on Everything
“It's Hell- it's Hell- it's helpful to our youth...”
~ Stevie the Steam Train on Thomas the Tank Engine
“Thomas the Tank Engine is a mortal danger to the Youth of this Nation. Geez, I woke up all hung over after tripping on drugs and saw that crap on the TV and I killed my neighbor's kid. Honest mistake, really.”
~ The Obese Controller on Thomas the Tank Engine
“In Soviet Russia, the engine is a very useful YOU!!”
~ Russian reversal on Thomas the Tank Engine
Thomas the Tank Engine (originally known as Tom Hanks the Tank Engine) is an anthropomorphic wank engine which often operates on the Uncyclopedia railway, driving his adoring fans and passengers into misinformation and lies. He loves to tie people to train tracks and run them over. The name thomas derrives from the latin word 'thomas' meaning thomas, which is a name.
Thomas The Tank Engine is the most famous fictional blue talking steam engine in the world, and is more popular than even the Flying Scotsman, which, as every child knows, doesn't have a face, doesn't talk, and never falls down black holes in amusing ways.
When Thomas hits the buffers, instead of the driver being suspended on full pay, pending a full enquiry and drug-test results, a short fat man in a top hat will talk sternly to the locomotive whilst standing on an orange box and will say "Thomas, you have caused confusion and delay!" The engine will be taken out of service and made to shunt trucks until it is sorry. Only then will it be allowed back on the main line to be a Really Useful Engine again.
The Scarily faced Thomas the Tank Engine patrols his stretch of line screaming in his Ringo Starr Voice at anyone attempting to cross at a point which isn't a signal. He kills anyone in his way, including his Obese Controller.
Despite giving everyone frozen Satanic stares, Thomas and His Friends still run regularly. Chinese brainwashing from The Railway Chairman has them thinking work is a privilege.
The show stars Alec Baldwin as Thomas, Richard Simmons as Percy, Ashlee Simpson as Emily, John Kerry as Diesel, George W. Bush as Toby, Arnold Schwarzenegger as Henry, Carson Kressley as Gordon, Shaquille O'Neal as Thomas' driver and Jackie Chan as Chairman Mao in the season finale.
Contents |
[edit] Characters
[edit] Steam team
As in the name, the main character is Thomas, a bratty, blue tank engine. Despite living a life bound to the rails, he finds enjoyment in pulling flour, illegal immigrants and weapons of mass destruction. Thomas has the honor of pulling his hos, Annie and Clarabel. He also has insecurity issues, and his feeling of personal well being is dependent on the approval of others (mainly Sir Topham Hatt). Thomas' self esteem can be crushed by a single instance of criticism from the Fat Controller, and whenever he is told he is a Really Useful Engine he walks around with an inflated ego for at least a week. He lives and hangs with the Steam team:
- Henry the Grue Engine. He likes to hide in tunnels and eat grues in there. He is also a liberal tree-hugger despite burning coal all day long.
- James the Obsessive-Compulsive Engine. Duncan started the rumour that he's queer, but this has yet to be confirmed in the TV series.
- Percy is Thomas' best friend. Charmingly naive, he is always asking questions like what Money, World Peace, Happiness and Fair Labour are, to which the Obese Controller replies, "Myths, Percy. Myths..."
- Gordon the F***** Huge Engine is 15 miles long when he pulls the hottest prostitute in the land, The Express. He shouts German swear words at the children making them cry. Recently he became Prime Minister of the Railway.
- Edward the Wise Ol' Engine. He knows the best clubs and who rides the easiest. He is a billion years old.
- Emily, Thomas's sister. Like most of the engines, Thomas thinks she's hot, and vice-versa. Emily usually avoids dating the other perverted freaks by dating Thomas. She's a real bossy bitch until something embarrassing happens to her. Later in the series she converted to Islam and wears a burqa in all subsequent appearances.
- Toby is the very, very, very, very, very, very old Tram Engine. He is a pussy who breaks down at the slightest bump, which led to his selection in the Italian national soccer team.
- Toad is the self proclaimed god of all engines, despite being a brake van. His comedy voice and sexy face have ranked him above all the major players. He has the personality of an intelligent 2 year old, or alternatively a dimwitted 50 year old farmer from Surrey.
- The Trucks are the retarded dump wagons who love making most of the engines crash. There are at least 9001 of them on the railway.
- Com-eng the semi retired train from Connex/Veiola (connex apologises for any inconveniences caused)
- There are also 100 other engines that are not worth mentioning. One of them, though, is a meanie!
A REAL picture of Thomas the Tank Engine
[edit] The Hitler Years
During the 1930's, unemployment in the United States had skyrocketed, forcing many to find jobs elsewhere. For Thomas, this led him to Germany, where he is credited with transporting over 500,000 Jews (and other mistakes) to 'Disney Land'. Because of his work in the transport of inferiors, Thomas was personally awarded the Iron Cross by Adolf Hitler. Thomas had PR value in that he had the highest Kill/Death ratio of any locomotive. In addition to this, Thomas remains to this day the only train to run exclusively by Jews as a source of fuel. After the fall of the Third Reich, he went into hiding in Argentina, blending in with other locomotives. He is still wanted by The Hague.
[edit] Diesel Minority and others
There are evil diesels who plan on someday ruling the Island. They include Diesel (obviously), Diesel #10 (Diesels 2-9 were all killed when they partook in a riot), Salty, the children's favourite diesel boozehound, BoCo and his drag identity Daisy, Derek the mentally retarded diesel (aka Derek the very special diesel, which he isn't), Mavis the sexual commitment diesel who enjoys what she calls Hooking (which means sexing engines of all gender for money, in a scary way!!) and 'Arry and Bert, the twins diesels with necrophilia.
In this group are also Troublesome Trucks. They like Truckin', as their name suggests. Being overworked Factory slaves, they have the highest suicide rate on the Isle of Sod. But the Obesse Controller can simply purchase new ones with his money daily.
Other minor engines secretly lust for power but are forced to lay low. Lonely souls include Neville, a black engine who tried to date white chick Emily (pictured), and Molly the female engine with a man's face. Rosie - Thomas's groupie - is also unsuccessful in winning a mate.
[edit] Dwarf (Narrow Gauge) Engines
This clique has more power than the Diesel minority. They run their own line, being too small for the big tracks. Being as small as they are, they occasionally vanish and stay gone for prolonged periods. Until they get lost again, here are the current denizens.
- Skarloey and Rheneas, two old engines who were possessed by children. They appeared in the spin-off film The Exorcist.
- Madge, the granny who secretly performs prostitution. Put simply, everyone's ridden her!
- Peter Sam the Jinx. He has on on/off relationship with Female Rusty. He was called Stuart until he realised Rusty's mom was also named Stuart, so he changed it.
- Sir Handel, who was knighted for reasons unclear. He used to be called Millenium Falcon until George Lucas sued the producers for copyright infringement, so he changed it.
- Rusty the gender-confused diesel.
- Duncan, a pottymouth engine. He was banished for his hate speeches against the other oddly coloured engines.
- Siamese twins Mighty Mac.
- Fearless Freddie, the senile World War II vet and Madge's pimp.
- Stepney, who dies in every episode. When he dies, Sir Handel and Peter Sam cry "Oh my god! They killed Stepney! You bastards!"
- Duke the Lost Engine, the freaking blind engine that got lost in Knapford Station. He is also Madge's pimp and does her when high on pot.
[edit] The Dictator(s)
Finally, we have Chairman Mao, the Obese Controller. He refuses to give the engines water or coal-or coa-rrr as he calls it-unless they work all day long. He hires The Railway Inspector to watch the steamers while he eats, which is 80-percent of each day. Yes. He only Eats, Watches Porn, and sleeps. He was killed by Thomas the tank engine when it was found out he ate engines by turning them into chocolate fudge sundaes. The railway has since been taken over by a commie Arab who provides even less coal, calling it 'Change we can believe in'. He worked James to death and was immediately rewarded with a Nobel Peace Prize.
[edit] The Story
[edit] Thomas and the Island of Sober
In the year 2000 the traditional "Trad" story was upgraded so that the whole world would not have to think and could be be bling and hip. This is the new story:
In circa 200,000 BC, a stumpy fat man searched for ways to make money. He went into a scrapyard and used voodoo chants to have souls possess the ruined engines. Now, with their disturbingly happy faces, the engines puff across the Island of Sober, making products to get their controller rich off of. The idea of Communism was originally implimented, but Gordon sought for higher control, which led to Lusts for Power from several other engines. Over the next 100000 years, the engines worked their buffers off,never meeting the technologic advances of the future as They Deliver Food Across the Island of Sober for thee Obesse Controller.
[edit] Liquidation
However, all was not well in the Island of Sober. Due to the British Government's poor transport funding, the Obese controller eventually lost the rights to his locomotives company, which went into liquidation. Thomas was sold off for scrap and his carcass has been spotted in Bangladesh, where he currently serves as a housing estate. Annie's current whereabouts are unknown, but rumours of her engagement to Stevie Wonder are not unfounded. Clarabel went on the run after her long career of prostitution was discovered by the local police.
Ever since, British tabloid papers such as The Sun have seized the opportunity to make tasteless headlines such as 'Runaway Train!' and 'FORMER CARRIAGE IN SEX SCANDAL HORROR - WE BLAME PRINCE HARRY'.
[edit] The Engines' Drug Abuse And Departure
Even after Thomas was scrapped, all was not well. The other engines discovered his collection of crack. James,Percy and all the puffers quit smoking and tried Thomas' secret stuff. Unfortunately,order on the Island collapsed, and accident rates went up. By the year 2004, most engines were scrapped after overdoses. Others left to find work in democracies.
The Obese Controller outsourced the railway to India. He buys a couple of new engines now and then, and always keeps an engine to paint blue,to ensure the young ones that Thomas lives on.
[edit] Edward the Blue Engine And His Relationship With Richard Gere
Mistaken for the role in the X-Files as the bloke agent (not the one that looks like a man the real one), Richard Gere's career soared, and eventually met Edward at a Shaft convention in 1922. Gere (born 1643) wooed Edward with a Ferrari which Edward gave to Thomas who wrote it off during a 14 hour police chase. Edward and Richard had 5 children (3 of which were black and one of which was green (see Gere-Percy Scandal) and one of which fell out of a tree and broke its funnel, leaving it to suffocate). The divorce which followed in 1994 led Edward to drink and 'Misadventurous Spaz Running' which left Edward's boiler severely under-bitched. He left the show when Gere sued him for 'sass-riding' outside his home in Gollopsteriptonville, Iowa. Edward died in 1996 after a severe dismantling, his body sits next to Lenin's in the Kremlin.
[edit] Gordon's Solo Career
In 1861, Gordon launched his solo career by founding a Gin brewery in Tunbridge Wells. After having no less than 12 hit singles during the 80's, he was publicly humiliated when news of his alleged affair with America's First Lady circulated among the media. Unfortunately, 20 years after his shameful exit from show business, Gordon committed suicide on 10th October, 1492. His son Ogadei went on to establish the Khanate of the Golden Horde, but this was short lived due to complaints from others in the neighbourhood.
[edit] Episodes
[edit] Every Single Episode
Every single episode of Thomas ever created goes something like this (note: this isn't a real episode, but it could be):
It was spring on the Island of Sodor. The birds were singing, children were playing, and Thomas was puffing merrily down the tracks! (engine sounds)
"Peep! Peep!" whistled Thomas merrily to Gordon.
"Hmph!" Gordon chuffed. "You're not even a proper engine! You're just a rolling pin on wheels."
This made Thomas very angry. "Rolling pin on wheels!" he huffed. I'll show him."
Thomas went faster, and faster, until he reached the top of the hill. He tried to slow down, but he couldn't!
"Stop! Stop!" yelled Annie and Clarabel.
"I can't! I can't!" cried Thomas.
Driver applied the brakes, but it was too late!
(tremendous crash off screen)
"Oh dear," said the driver. "The Fat Controller will not be happy."
Nor was he. "Thomas, you have caused confusion and delay!" he said. From now on you will work in the quarry, shunting troublesome trucks."
"But what about my branch line?" asked Thomas.
"Percy will handle that," said the Fat Controller.
The next day, Thomas began work in the quarry. He hated it there! It was hot, and noisy, and smelly, and the trucks would not stop singing! Thomas could see Percy pulling Annie and Clarabel. "Oh, why did I ever try to show off?" he moaned.
Just then, a coupling broke. The trucks were headed down the hill, straight toward Percy! "On, on, faster, faster!" they cried.
"Hurry!" said Thomas. "Hurry!"He headed down the hill, stopping at the junction just in time! "Quickly!" he told the stationmaster. "Switch the points!"
The stationmaster switched the points, just in time!
(another tremendous crash off screen)
"Oh, thank you, Thomas!" said Percy.
That night, the Fat Controller came to visit Thomas in Tidmouth Sheds. "Thomas, you are a really useful engine!" he said.
"Oh, thank you, sir," said Thomas.
[edit] List of Episodes
- Thomas and Tony Blair: Tony Blair decides to retire to the Isle as the newest engine! Therefore, Gordon steps up.
- Gordon takes a Tumble: The engines quickly learn banana peels aren't that funny anymore...
- The Green Controller: Green engine Percy takes over the railway...
- Sir Handel and The Burger King: Sir Handel is appointed by the king.
- James the Red Engine: U.S. Senator Joseph McCarthy visits the island with something to say about red engines...
- Respect for Gordon: Nobody cares about Gordon's love-life.
- Snow Engine: Oliver and Toad are pushed into a snowman and get frostbite, forcing them to cut off each other's buffers and wheels. Viewer discretion advised.
- Buffer Bother: The Obese Controller puts weapons of mass destruction on the buffers in the quarry.
- Diesel's Guide to Dating: WARNING: DO NOT WATCH THIS EPISODE EVER
- A Big Day for Thomas: Thomas loses his virginity, and $500, to Emily.
- The Railway Inspector: The railway inspector comes.
- Stepney Comes Out of the Closet
- Thomas and the Blair Witch
- Stepney Goes Back Inside the Closet
- Thomas Falls Off a Bridge and Dies
- Just kidding, Thomas is OK
- Thomas Comes To Breakfast:Thomas barges into the Phat Controller's morning orgy.
- Daisy the Stereotypical Diesel
- Rusty and his Bomber
- Why Thomas Laughs At Your Mistakes: Why God, why does he laugh?
- Despite for the Diesels: The engines despite the diesels from the Other Railway.
- Thomas Runs Over the Phat Controller: He tries to, but he never dies !!!
- Daisy and the Blue Chicken: Daisy finds a Zombie Chicken that can turn its head 360 degrees
- Oliver gets the Bird
- Thomas the Youtube Engine
- The Way Thomas Was Blue...
- Calling All Engines: The engines of the Island of Sodom get annoyed when Percy tests out his new cell phone...
Season 2:
- Chickens to School: Thomas is drunk and took the kids to the farm and the chickens to school by accident-or did he?...
- AAAAAA AAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA!: translation - Thomas joins Uncyclopedia
- James and the TV Producer: We see how it began
- Peter Sam and Rusty: Luckily, Rusty's gender change kept PBS from deleting this episode...
- Duncan and the Propaganda: Duncan attempts to stop the Diesels from running his line.
- Busy going Backwards: Toad the Brakevan Sees some amazing things going backwards...
- Oliver's Find: Oliver finds a Very Special Place.
- Calling all Engines!: The Obese Controller summons his engines to build an airport. That way his very important cargo can be transported by air. But everything goes WRONG!
- Diesel and the Racists: The diesel minority rebel against the Isle's racists.
- Harvey and the Ikea Route: Harvey buys an oddly named piece of furniture.
- Salty's Lighthouse: Sailor Salty pulls a prank on the tugboats by knocking over the lighthouse.
- Civil War: Skarloey convinces the little engines to separate from the Obese Controller's line.
- The Narrow Gauge Railway: All does not go well in the new government.
- The Runaway Elephant: Duncan unleashes an elephant on the Obese Controller's section of the Isle.
- Gordon Goes Foreign: The Prime Minister goes to the Narrow Gauge Line to meet with Skarloey's board.
- The Thin Controller: The little engines clone the Phat Controller and slim him into the Emaciated Controller.
- Mighty Mac: The Emaciated Controller buys Mighty Mac, a hideously deformed mutant. He is later attacked by Skarloey in an act of xenophobia.
- Thomas's Day Off: Thomas heads to a "special place" on his day off, but is delayed by Dennis the lethargic engine.
- You Can Do It Toby: Toby found a girlfriend, and needs help.
- Peace and Quiet: Stepney hunts for a good place to be 'alone'...
- Thomas and the Circus: Evil Clowns escape from the Circus. Thomas helps out
- Thomas the Thomas Engine (made for YouTube use, "Thomas" is the only word used in this episode)
- Don't Tell Thomas: Emily finds a new boyfriend, but what will Thomas Say!?
- Duncan's Bluff: Duncan lies to Thomas that he is now dating Emily.
- Thomas and the Tube: Thomas sues Youtube for illegally uploading episodes.
- Three Cheers for Thomas: The case was won!
- Thomas and the Rainbow: Thomas sees a rainbow and develops a real fascination with rainbows. He then gets a rainbow paint job and heads off to the mardi gras.
- Pwn3d!: Thomas gets pwn3d.
- Toby Feels Left Out: It's love season and Toby's girlfriend just dumped him.
- Fatty's New Grue: In this crossover with "Grue's Clues", The Obese Controller buys a pet Grue!
- Thomas and the Toy Shop: Thomas and Jack set up a trap for the children.
- Rheneas and the Dinosaur: The feud continues when Rheneas reanimates a dinosaur to attack Thomas' line..
- A Smooth Ride: Rusty is caught with Sir Handel - cheating on Peter Sam!!!
Season 3:
- Special Funnel: Peter Sam brags about his funnel being the biggest.
- Emily Knows Best: Emily decides to go back to Thomas, proving she doesn't know best.
- The Case of the Singing Bushes: Singing Bushes take over the Isle.
- Thomas Realises That There Are Actually Birds in the Bushes
- Mighty Mac and the Ninjas: The Siamese twins must stop the ninjas.
- Which Gender Now?: Rusty is caught in a decision, and decides that he needs a Vagina like Mr. Garrison.
- Neville the Black Engine: Thomas spreads a rumour that Neville is Black.
- Thomas' Frosty Friend: Thomas leaves Percy in the snow and he gets frostbite.
- A Close Shave: Duck has to think of an excuse for his razor cut to tell his prostitute.
- Pimp My Engine: The Phat Controller sends Thomas, James and Percy to the workshop for a repaint and replaces their funnels with throaty exhausts. He then gathers all his friends and they all go racing down the line in the new pimped up engines.
- Pirate's Life For Salty: Salty unfortunately stayed too late at the nearby pub.
- Refreshing Steam: Thomas secretly had his water tank filled with beer the night before.
- Refreshing Steam Part 2: The engines steal Thomas' idea, and the Island starts falling apart!
- The Thomas Crown Affair: The first episode with Pierce Brosnan as narrator.
- Toad Stands By: Toad Stands By When Oliver is thrown into Iraq.
- Come Out Henry: Henry won't come out of the closet because he is in denial.
- The Sad Story of Henry: Too late.
- Oliver Owns up: Oliver gets pushed into the Turntable because he didn't pay off his loan.
- Escape: Oliver and Toad Escape from fattys scrapyard because fatty wanted to turn them into a nice Grill.
- Thomas and the Thetans Thomas converts to Scientology.
Season 4:
- Rusty's Decision: Rusty decides to stay with his original gender.
- The Accident: Thomas, James, Percy, Gordon, Emily, Henry, Edward and Toby all crash into each other at once.
- The Other Accident: Rusty, Peter Sam, Duncan, Skarloey, Rheneas, Sir Handel, Mighty Mac and Fearless Freddie the really, really, really, really, really, really, really old engine crash as well.
- The Other Other Accident: Every single character that ever appeared on the show ever all crash into each other at the same time.
- Emily's Accident: Emily has to Pee and races to the restroom, but remembers that engines can't pee when she doesn't make it in time and wets her wheels.
- James the James Engine (same as "Thomas the Thomas Engine", but with "James" instead as the episode's only word)
- Rusty 1/2: Rusty tries to become a gender-bending ninja, but then remembers he has no hands or feet.
- Ilegal: Thomas learns his leason when he is caught transporting Japanese into the country for work and not for a "Holiday".
- Writers Strike: The writers of the episode were on strike so the whole episode was just the engines, staring at one another in an awkward silence.
- Thomas, Percy and the Imported Coal: Coal imported from Chinese toy factories sickens Thomas and Percy
- Percy the Percy Engine: Low on ideas, the writers of the show drag out an old plot device.
- Thomas visits Australia: Thomas visits Australia and realises that its much larger than he originally predicted.
- Family Guy: Thomas watches one episode of family guy, gets hooked, and is killed by Seth McFarlane
- Sir Handel's Bad Day: Sir Handel's court case finally comes around, and despite the other engines testifying for him, he is still sent to the scrapyard for beating up R&B singer Rihanna
- Toad's hefty load: Toad finds himself in a sticky situation when he prematurely ejaculates over Annie's back when he catches a glimpse of her funnel.
- Thomas the Spanked Engine: Thomas finds himself sexually aroused when the Fat Controller punishes him for leaving the island
- Rheneas and the Rhombus: Rheneas comes face to face with Sodor's most renound serial killer, nicknames the Rhombus. But can he save his passengers from the nonsensical slashings of the Rhombus?
- Thomas the Mank Engine Thomas finds himself speaking in a Macunian accent after his time on the railways there, but can dictation lessons from the partially deaf James REALLY help him?
- Tiny Tim the Tank Engine Part 1- Tiny Tim visits the Island of Sodor
- Tiny Tim the Tank Engine Part 2- Fatty eats Tiny Tim for no reason at all except he was "tasty".
- We'll miss you Thomas: Fatty sends Thomas to Germany (We don't really miss him, but nobody cares).
- Thomas the Frank Engine: Thomas gets a recurring guest spot on "Oprah" when he begins to tell the engines exactly what he thinks of them
- Diesel's New Face: During a "technical difficulty", Disels face falls off, so he teams up with Lawrence Llwelyn Bowen to find a new face. In the end he brutally murders Bowen and steals his face.
- Edwards Bad Day: Edward is stood up on a date with Molly. Then his great grandmother dies, he is rejected for a bank loan and eventually ends up getting horifically maimed by Laura Davis.
- Diesel Does it Again: Diesel goes over to the Playboy Bunny Ranch.
- Bulgy- Oliver finds out that Emily has breast cancer. Then Emily goes to the cancer center and finds out she is part bus.
- My Name is Oliver: The sequel to Bulgy, Oliver wakes up from a coma after realizing Emily was part bus. He then wrote down all the bad things he had ever done and tried to make up for all of his mistakes.
- Toby the Toby Engine: For God's sake.
[edit] Spin-offs
After the series became a big hit with children, the ass at HiT Entertainment created two spinoffs to the series. One titled the Fatty Show, and the other, My Name is Oliver. Both are based off of copyrighted shows.
[edit] Behind the Scenes
The show was made by many fat people or gay women. They buy expensive Gauge 1 (1:32) scale models and fuck them up with faces made out of modeling clay. It has been rumoured that the shows creator, The Reverand W. Awdry possesed these models with evil souls. This is most likeley true because James acts like a Cereal killer. In order to keep their mouths shut about this theory, the Rev. W. Awdry superglues their mouths shut, limiting their movements to rolling their eyes, and their wheels moving while a 35mm camera films them, and they get voiced by George Carlin, Alec Baldwin, and Ringo Starr. The show is soon to be switching to CGI next year, causing major Cramps and Floods of tears by fattass fanboys.
[edit] Where are They Now?
Many believe that the coal featured in the final episode of the Season is what led to the untimely scrapping of the star. Anyway, all the episodes written in this colour were heavily edited after the finale and reaired as a new show. All the other episodes were stored away to be eventually redubbed as a documentary on Chinese labour.
On the Isle of Sod(or) today, the new and brightly coloured engines run the line to attract children and consumers. The original actors are scattered in places including Scrapyards, Asian Factories, Rehab Centres, Garbage Plants, the set of The Bill and the Obese Controller's stomach. Speaking of which, the Railway Chairman went down with James as he fell from a broken bridge. His last meal was a week long.
[edit] See also
- Thomas the Tank Engine: The Movie
- Darth Vader
- Satan
- Your dad
- Beer
- Ringo Starr
- George Carlin
- Pierce Brosnan
- Colorado
- Train
