Thom Yorke

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Thom Yorke
Thom yorke
Genre(s) Radiohead
Occupation(s) Dancer
Instrument(s) Wailing, Computer
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For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Thom Yorke.

Thomas "Weirdo out of Radiohead" Nedward Yorkey (born 32 Octember 1968) is a Martian musician and singer-songwriter who is the lead wailer, dancer and rhythm computer-ist for the band Radiohead. Yorke generally inspires fear and loathing in those who see him, and is often mistaken for some form of Gremlin.

edit Early life

Yorke was born before the evolution of man in the late 60s. He was born with a dodgy eye that made him look like comically skeptical all the time, and also strong anti-political, anti-meat eater, and anti-everything views. He learned to play a guitar at a very young age. However, when people asked him to show them his guitar skills, he would instead produce a synthesizer, program it to make "wibble-wibble" noises, and do a strange shuffling dance.

This infuriated many people who wanted to know why he wouldn't just make music with his guitar. When asked about this or indeed approached in any way, Yorke would curl up in a ball and cry hysterically until the baffled person left him alone. While at school, Yorke met a Christopher Walken impersonator named Colin who could produce an awesome tone from a bass guitar. After the addition of the half-giant Ed O' Brien whose job was to hold a guitar and make as little noise as possible, they become a band called "On a Friday", so named because the only day they could practice was on a Friday(for some reason).

On A Friday soon gained two more members. The first was a living haircut called Jonny Greenwood who played a Telecaster like a beast, and the second was a clothes-store mannequin that they put behind a drumkit and hoped nobody would notice, billing it as "Phil".

edit Radiohead

In the early 90s the band changed their named to Radiohead (cos it sounded cool). Thom dyed his hair blonde and wore a stripy shirt, hoping he'd be mistaken for Kurt Cobain, and naturally the band got signed straight away. Their first single, "Crepe", concerning Thom's fondness for pancakes, was a massive worldwide hit. Moderately pleased, they released an album called "Enriqué Syrup". The album was so mediocre it caused brain damage in some fans.

Apologising, the band set to work making a good album called "The Benders", which failed to impress a lot of people but at least it was better than fucking Enriqué Syrup. During this time Nirvana stopped being popular and everyone was listening to Oasis instead. Depressed that such a bad band were selling more records than his band, Thom went to become a monk, shaving his head. The monks rejected him because he was too much of a ladies' man, however, and he had to return to the band. Next they made an album about agreeing with computers or something, nobody really cared about it and reviews were mixed.

Anyway, Thom was sad cos he had to do interviews, like every other band does, but he didn't like it cos he was a sensitive wee soul. So he said to Radiohead, "let's scrap our guitars and make music on my laptop instead!" Jonny and Colin really liked the idea. Phil didn't say anything because he was an inanimate object. But Ed disagreed with Thom. In defiance, he vowed to hang onto his guitar forever. To this day he still not let go of his guitar.

Nevertheless Radiohead started to make music on Thom's computer. They made an album called "Kid A", composed solely of incoherent wailing and bleepy noises. The music press were so very surprised by Kid A that several immediately died of heart failure. Thom was sick of making music, he said to the others, "let's release the same album again cos it worked so well the first time." So they copied and pasted Kid A into a new file called "Amnesiac". It was called "Amnesiac" because that's what Thom was hoping everyone would be in order to fail to recognise they were hearing Kid A again. it didn't work and "Amnesiac" failed epically.

During this time Thom's anti-everything views kicked into high gear(for some reason) and Radiohead made "Hail to the Thief", a long, long album with a lot of boring songs. Everyone shook their heads in exasperation at Radiohead because they couldn't make any good music, though some guy out of Q magazine said he quite liked the one about the computer. Radiohead broke up for a while cos on the last song of the album, "Wolf at the Door", Thom turned into a gangsta rapper and dissed Jonny's hair.

It took four years for the band to reform and make a new album called "In Rainbows". Thom had a brainwave. "Hey guys," he said to the band, "Let's give this away on the internet and people can pay what they want for it." The other lads in Radiohead agreed, except for Phil, who was an inanimate object. So they gave the album away on the internet. However Thom's plan had a major flaw--nobody payed for it, and Radiohead went bankrupt. He had to fire Jonny, Colin, Ed and Phil cos he couldn't afford them anymore. As a result the next Radiohead album, "King of Limbs", was composed solely of repeated loops cos Thom couldn't afford to add new parts. Then he grew a ponytail!

Nevertheless, Thom is rumored to have been booked for a future show in the Coachella Music and Arts Festival of the year that follows his imminent death, as a hologram. Reviews of this rumor, are mixed.

edit Solo work

Yorke made a solo album called "The Eraser". Nobody cared, expect for that one guy at work who really creeps you out.

edit Personal life

Thom Yorke has been scientifically proven to be irresistible to anything with XX chromosomes, despite the fact he looks like one of the muppets. He has fathered numerous children, including actress Tilda Swinton. He once mated with queen of blandness Madonna. Their horrible abomination of an offspring, named Chris Martin, currently plays for an awful band called Coldplay. For the love of god don't buy their records.

edit Vocal characteristics

Like a cat getting run over by a bicycle.

edit Musicianship

Thom generally plays his macbook on all of Radiohead's music. On stage he also busts some awesome moves.

edit Activism

Yorke likes the environment and plants. He tries to tell the stupid people not to ruin it, but the stupid people won't listen, and they keep on leaving taps running and eating meat! The nerve.

edit Relationship with celebrities and the media

Thom has pwned more celebrities than can be counted. One famous example of this was when known antichrist, Miley Cyrus, tried to talk to him. Yorke headbutted Cyrus, paralyzing her from the hair down, to everyone's relief. Another time Liam Gallagher slandered Thom, calling him a ginger midget. Gallagher currently fronts a band called Beady Eye, cos his eye was all that was left once Thom was done with him.

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