Third World War

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The Third World War was an armed conflict in The Third World, that took place during The Third World. It involved only a few countries, but nobody else was paying attention to the countries that were not involved so they didn't matter. In America's recurring dream of manifest destiny, troops were attacked Canada and Mexico as they were all of a sudden part of our axis of evil.

edit Who started it?

There has been rumors of the time travelling wiener dog reporting that during the year 2025 the Cicada Union of Natural Territory (CUNT) marched on the United States of Texas, sparking the Third World War.

No one knows who really started this war, but here are the recorded quotes.

“The Jews! ”
“The Bolivians! ”
~ The French, Germans, and the Dutch on Bolivia during the Third World War
“The Germans! ”
~ The British on Germany during the Third World War
“Get the fuck out! ”
~ The Belgians and Argentines on Bolivians living within their country
“Fuck you! ”
~ The Bolivian response to the Belgians and Argentines
“Why can't we all be friends? ”
~ The UN on all the countries that are in the Third World War
“I can't wait to get some photos of this! ”
~ Frank West on the Third World War
“Please don't nuke us! ”
~ Japanese reaction to the Third World War

edit Countries involved

The following countries were involved in the Third World War :

It is a common misconception that the United States of America took part in the war. They merely sold weaponry to all sides. And launched a few nukular weapons. And sent a couple million troops to help one side or another although they were late... again.

edit Causes

The causes of the Third World War are many and complex. Whilst many Historians believe that the main contributory factor in the war was "What Prince Ronald said to Count Black about his wife after 15 pints of Beer at the wedding of Princess Edina", there is a growing body of evidence which indicates that the countries involved were just bored with war games and wanted to play for real. There are, of course, financial reasons for the war. The collapse of democracy in France only a year earlier left the country in complete turmoil with the cost of even a packet of Polos reaching astronomical heights (at one point, a single polo could set you back the equivalent of the price of thirteen stars and a good many planets). The German economy, by contrast was booming and it is believed that the accumulated wealth of Germany at the outbreak of hostilities could have probably bought half the galaxy.

edit Sides

There were actually five major sides in the Third World War - six if you include the army of News Corp...

  • The French (also known as the Fries) and the Germans (also known as Hasselhoff), recognising one another's strengths, sided together against the oppressive Swedes (also known as the SwedishFish) and Luxembourgians (blah blah Luxemburgoise). France also tried to reconquer Algeria and Morocco, but Spain beat them to Morrocco first, which sparked the French and Spaniards in war. The Franco-German Army did not get involved with the civil war in Belgium however, as they have much better things to do.
  • The English, the Australians and the Chinese disagreed strongly with the French and Germans policies on the war and independently fought the war against the Swedes. The English aided Luxembourg, however in defence against the French.
  • The Argentinian, Russian, Portuguese, and Spanish armies couldn't understand the other countries and fought together against anyone who came nearby or who they didn't like.
  • The Japanese, not wanting to be left out, joined first the French and Germans (3 weeks), then the English and Chinese (4 months) before finally settling with the Argentinian contingent (2 years).
  • The Bolivians declared war on Argentina and Sweden. The reason was because Bolivians didn't like to be landlocked. Bolivia has strong ties with Belgium.
  • Belgium was involved because it was heavily influenced by France, Germany, and Bolivia. The Bolivian citizens started a civil war that is still going on today.
  • The United States, according to the afformentioned misconception, was unsure of which side was the side of freedom and bombed the Nation of Islam. At least Al-Jazeera told me so.
  • Switzerland, contrary to the expected joke, declared war on everyone and kicked some serious ass.
  • the uff (the united furry front) saw an oportunity in the human in fighting deploying a massive amount of elite furry commandos and Lapists to invade the middle east slaughtering the terrorist that america had found so troubling. they started recruiting aditional lapists and makeing a super weapon. however they were promptly killed by australia and england. how ever small cell of furrys and lapists in underground caves in iraq and iran still exist today.

Other countries placed bets on who would win the war. It is not known if any countries bribed those directly involved in the conflict. However, Dick Vitale famously accused Arizona of point shaving.

edit Related Conflicts

There are smaller conflicts that occured due to the outbreak of this war or started due to other reasons related to the Third World War.

  • The Belgian Civil War- This was a civil war mainly between Bolivian citizens, also known as the rebels, and the Germans, French, and the Dutch. The Bolivians in Belgium wanted the Brussels capitol region to be a Bolivian territory. There was mass fighting in Brussels and parts of Walloon. It is still going on today, and it seems that the Dutch are contributing the most by the infamous airstrike at La Paz to break the Bolivian morale. Bolivia insists that they are not supporting the war, but the German Navy have captured smuggle boats full of weapons for the rebels. (Who knew Bolivia had a navy???)
  • The Bolivo-Pampas War- This dispute grew into an all out war when Argentina used military force to get the illegal Bolivian immigrants out of their country. Bolivia, under political stress from riots in Belgium, is forced to make tough desicions, like a draft for their army. The actual cause of this war is disputed. Most agree that Belgium lost its recipie for waffles, so therefore, decided to blame it on the Bolivians(or Mexicans, or Jews, or whoever you wanna call it!) So the Belgians made a secret deal that they will teach the Arentines how to make waffles if they invade Bolivia. This war ended 2 years after it started when the Dutch airforce bombed the crap out of La Paz, therefore, the Dutch ended the war, even though they were not really involved in any relations with Argentina. There was also rumor that the Argentines teabagged soldiers that they killed, this is yet to be confirmed.
  • The Northwest War- This war was a major part of the Franco-German military's campaign, It took place in northwest Africa, in Morocco and Algeria. It started when France tried to reconquer Algeria. After taking Algeria, they decided to go for Morocco, but Spain intercepted their plans and took Morocco first, angering the French. Guerilla style fighting took place on the France-Spain border, with both sides with no intent to give up. After about a month of a sit still along the border, the Spaniards launched a suprise attack on Algeria. The reason is under speculation, some say the Spaniards were bored at the border and just wanted some real carnage. Meanwhile, Morocco was pretty much Spain's new bitch. This conflict is still going on today.
  • the burned fur crusade- when the furrys and Lapists were defeated they hid themselves in underground caves in iran and iraq. a conflict arose between the hyenas who were raiding small villages and eating there human prisoners and the cats and wolfs who wanted to make a giant floating fortress to destroy africa the lions tried to stop the two sides (mainly for the reasons they didnt want to be found out by the villages the hyenas raided and not wanting africa witch they thought was their legacy to be destroyed) the hyenas and the wolf cat alliance quickly killed the opposition however not before the lions could destroy the cats floating fortress (witch had been hidden in the caves) the cats wanted to rebuild but the hyenas and wolfs tried to stop them so they didnt provoke another war. the cats and their lapist allies quickly overcame and enslaved the wolves and hyena with their advanced technology. the furs have stopped for now but the fortress is being rebuilt under saudi-arabia.

edit Casualties

The total number of casualties numbered into the hundreds of millions. Because most Historians prefer to study things they can actually see, and - for preference - don't like to walk through mile upon mile of custard to see such things, it is unlikely that any accurate figure will ever be achieved. The United Nations sets the figure at 123,456,789 (which is roughly over 9000). It is possible that in light of the lack of any actual evidence, and wanting to get out to the pub early, this figure may have been made up.



A early prototype of the car bomb, used in the first weeks of the war. DOUBLE PARK THIS!!!!

The weapons used within the war were varied. Most weapons throughout history were employed at some point. Notably, however, the initial conflicts took place using big sticks. This feeling out of the enemy's defences escalated until finally the first deployment of ICBMs was made. The war ended shortly after this - none of the countries involved wishing to drown in an ocean of custard. The world was forever changed.

edit Winners

The outcome of the Third World War is unclear. All parties surrendered simultaneously so it is unlikely that any real winner can be declared. Because of this, many countries who had bet on the outcome of the war were declared bankrupt within hours of the surrender being announced. It is known that swedish vikings were given favourable odds.

edit Trivia

The third largest military force in the Third World War was actually owned by News Corp and provided defenses for its roving band of reporters who provided up to the minute news on the progress of the war. They are also believed to have started small conflicts when the main action was getting dull.
Paparazzi attack

Paparazzi stormtrooper setting his sights

The Elite Rouge reporters, known as the paparazzi, destroyed the city of Ohio for a shot of Arnold Swartzeneger's maid's best friend's second cousin's neighbor.

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