Things you're supposed to be doing instead of visiting Uncyclopedia
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Welcome to Uncyclopedia! Be prepared to surrender all of your "precious" free time and so-called creativity to editing and contributing pages to the Cyberweb's only true encyclopaedia (no matter how much Wikipedia tries to pretend otherwise). Before you go further, the Government requires that we show this disclaimer, reminding you of things you're supposed to be doing, and in a world without Uncyclopedia, WOULD be doing. What follows is only a small sample of the innumerable activities you could be, should be, and would be engaged in if not for this insidious taskmaster:
- SEX - Have SEX.
- Go eat Mexican Food - Sooner or later you're gonna want to.
- Work - That's right, that thing you do when you're not watching TV or stuffing your disgusting food hole. It could very well be where you ARE right now, wasting company time, and getting paid to goof off.
- School - "We don't need no education"? Nice grammar, moron, you just proved my point. In school, you would learn that the correct way to say that phrase is "We doesn't need any edumacation"...idiot.
- Calling Your Mom - Your mom misses you, she went through countless hours of labour to bring you into the world, and how do you repay her? You come to THIS website instead of talking to that sainted woman. For SHAME!
- Walking your dog - Yes, that poor little innocent creature whimpering by the door wants to go outside and urinate. If you don't get up off your lazy butt and walk him he's going to pee right on your rug, and whose fault would that be? Plus, you need the exercise, tubby.
- Watching TV - TV viewership is your most important role as a citizen. The networks do not spend hundreds of thousands of dollars to come up with programming, and pay executives millions of dollars for scheduling for you to goof off here. Plus, advertisers are spending billions each year to reach you, and there you sit, not even watching TV! What are you going to talk about at work tomorrow, everyone else was watching TV and YOU missed it! You will have no idea what they are talking about! You missed another episode of Family Guy again!
- Talking to an actual human being - Yes, remember, the art of conversation? You should interact with your fellow man (or woman, if you can get a word in edgewise).
- Exercising - Look at yourself, fat, disgusting waste of space that you are. You're a disgrace. Get up, go outside and move...ugh. If you still can.
- Making sweet, sweet love - But looking at you, and the fact that you can no longer carry on a conversation, let's skip this one.
- Masturbate - Because you obviously aren't getting sweet, sweet love.
- Volunteering at a local charity - Helping your fellow man is the most rewarding and fulfilling thing you can do. Feed the homeless, visit the sick, do something to earn some good karma points, etc. Or if you're Catholic, work off some of that time in Purgatory.
- Read a book - Sheesh, would it kill ya to read a book? Some of the modern giants of literature, like John Grisham, Stephen King, Dan Brown and Tom Clancy, require almost as little thought as watching TV! All you need to do is know how to read, and if you can make out the hieroglyphics on this page, you can certainly read.
- Spend time with your children - Seriously, your kids are punks, if you don't spend some quality time with them, they're gonna end up on the streets selling crack. Even worse, they could end up like you! *shudder*. If you have a daughter, you better go have a Tea Party with her NOW, or she'll wind up doing porn, or becoming a prostitute, or worst of all, marrying Larry King.
- Take your car to be serviced - They don't put the 3,000 mile sticker on your car because they're trying to sell motor oil... well, actually they are, but your car needs to be serviced. Maintaining it religiously doesn't mean driving around and praying nothing goes wrong!
- Learn a second language - ¿Cuántos idiomas sabe Usted? ¿Uno? ¡Tu madre es una puta vieja, fea, sucia y gorda!
- Cooking a delicious and nutritious meal - That slop you eat isn't fit for hogs! Microwaving TV dinners does not count as cooking, and going to McDonald's certainly doesn't! But if you could literally burn water, you could always take classes.
- "GET OUT THERE AND SING THE SONGS, BITCH! - (slap) Now, look what you made me do! I'm sorry, baby, I just get so mad sometimes, honest, I didn't mean it"... Sorry about that, we let Ike Turner post that one.
- Repenting your sins/praying for your eternal soul - This site is home to some of the most deplorable acts of heresy and sacrilege. If you have read any pages at all, your soul is in serious peril. Hell is no joke!
- Breastfeeding your newborn baby - That is, assuming you're female, although I've seen some dudes with big ol' jugs...
- Checking that patient you left in dialysis - Uh-oh, the machine took too much, now the patient looks like an empty Capri Sun pouch!
- Donating your liver - Do this quick, all that beer isn't doing it any favours!
- Praying to Gosh - Gosh is pure unfiltered like. If you don't like Him back, he may dang your soul to heck!
- Listening to the last words of your dying relative - He may be confessing some really juicy gossip, like where Jimmy Hoffa's buried...Or maybe confessing the location of his secret Nazi gold!!
- Checking the ignition system of the shuttle - ....3....2....1...nuthin'... better luck next time NASA!!
- Taking care of that life form you developed - (Lackadaiscalus doofi) isn't going to feed itself...although your laziness, in not cleaning out the refrigerator, created it in the first place.
- Running away from the giant wave - It's coming closer...closer...oh, just give up, Stand up, raise your arms, cheer, sit down, wait for it to come back around the stadium...oh, wrong wave...yeah, surf's up, WAAAAAY UP! Better make tracks, darlin'.
- Breathing - And looking at you, you're lucky I reminded you to do this... slack-jawed gawker!
- Visiting some windswept steppes - This isn't really a suggestion, I just had to tack on my signature phrase.
- Restoring this article to its original (and incorrect) American spelling - Seriously, what is your favorite color of humor? Dammit!!! Do me the honor of cutting that out!
- Changing the spelling of all bastardised (read: American) words to agree with the proper and honourable British spelling conventions - This is done out of spite towards the Americans, with the benefit of much humour and colourful arguments, usually threatening to ram our testicles down our oesophaguses.
- Your mom - Ba-zing!
- Read a book - Yes I'm talking to you, James!
- Join the Military - What better way to show your patriotism than to willingly throw one's life into the gory cogs of the government's war machine? You too can have every ounce of human feeling and individuality painfully scoured from the inside of your back-slanted skull and replaced with the soothing panacea of bigotry and chauvinism! Plus, you'd get to frag the hell out of some real live brown people - no more settling for the pale substitutes of bargain-bin computer games! Join today, point-n-click!
- Break your heroin addiction - Just kidding. It's good for the economy.
- Working on your thesis - Ever notice how you've been a college student longer than most of your professors have been teaching? Ever thought there was a reason behind it?
- Blink - You might want to do this more often, causing less eyestrain while you stare at your dumb computer screen.
- Clean your bathroom - Your filthy filthy bathroom. Ugh!
- Finish composing Beethoven's 10th symphony - since the lazy sonofabitch couldnt be arsed to do it himself and selfishly passed away.
- Master Baite - Fap because fapping is cool.
If you can't figure out how to do any of this, maybe you should kill yourself. Use a shotgun, it will make the most mess, and people love to clean up after dead losers.