Things that don't exist

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A beautiful woman running toward you on a pristine beach is something that almost certainly doesn't exist, Tiger.

Although there is an infinite number of things that don't exist--at least outnumbering the things that do exist, as each of those things don't exist in a version with three buttocks--the following nonexistent things are particularly notable:

edit Nonexistent things from technology

  • A good reason to install Windows 7.
  • Phasers, as seen in Star Trek. (Communicators now do exist, and let you specify a recipient without getting the attention of Lieutenant Uhura.)
  • Solar energy that either pays for itself or is more efficient than gasoline or utility poles.

edit Nonexistent things from Hollywood

  • A Chihuahua that talks, as seen in ads for Taco Bell.
  • Actual Ghostbusters, as seen at the cinema. Dittoes El Dorado, the Lost City of Gold. Likewise, chicks willing to have sex with you, as portrayed in American Pie.
  • Where those blue Avatars are. So stop dreaming.
  • Any episode of Home Improvement where Tim does not make his wife mad, then learn nuggets of wisdom from his neighbour Wilson, get shown up by his sidekick Al on Detroit-area television, then make things right with his wife through comical misunderstanding of Wilson's wise words.
  • Dinosaurs, whether you saw them in an old episode of The Flintstones or an older commercial for Sinclair gasoline.
  • Any case where two obviously incompatible people, who are forced by adversity to cooperate and wind up falling in love, stay together for a single month past the end of the chick flick you saw last weekend.

edit Nonexistent things from politics

  • Federal legislation exceeding five pages (which they all do, these days) that your Congressman has actually read.
  • Priests who aren't paedophiles, or who receive swift justice from the Vatican before your state's Attorney General gets involved.
  • The text of an actual apology from Mel Gibson to the Jews, or from Bill Clinton regarding not having sex with That Woman, Monica Lewinsky.
  • Sleeper cells of Al-Qaeda in the United States. All those Muslims gunning down servicemen and Jews are disturbed individuals acting alone.
  • Any case where, voting for "hope and change," you actually get either.
  • Actual risk that Swine Flu would decimate the human race, that computers would all stop working on a given date, or that the Gulf of Mexico would be rendered permanently oily because you stubbornly refuse to walk more.
  • Any minority political party, accusing the majority of corruption, that will not itself evidence identical corruption once it wins the majority and thus acquires actual power it can sell to special interests.

edit Nonexistent things from your fantasies

  • The East and West Poles. Or the "Tropic of Sir Galahad."
  • The Playboy Mansion, or any other place where voluptuous Playmates are eager to satisfy your every sexual fetish and seek nothing in return.
  • Purple monkeys, apes, wombats, or any other purple creature, including any affable purple character that makes your kids nag you to visit McDonald's, or any affable employee of McDonald's once you get there.
  • Lips on a chicken; likewise, wings on a buffalo.
  • Mustard eclairs.[1]
  • Spam daggers; or pork swords.

edit Footnote

  1. Yet.

edit See also

There is nothing more to see. Because none of these things exist--Don't you get it?

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