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Theresa Margaret Maggie May (born 1 October 1956) is Great Britain's latest and final Prime Minister. She won the job in 2016, in the wake of the unexpected success of the Brexit referendum, which was especially unexpected to its sponsors. May avoided a party election by virtue of all her potential competitors leaving the race, leaving politics, or leaving Britain.
As Prime Minister, her job is to take the helm of a nation that has jumped out of the European Union without a parachute and pilot it to a soft landing. May is consequently the virtual May Queen of what's left of Ye Olde England.
edit More tea, vicar?
Theresa May was born Theresa Brasier (originally Brasserie, from a family of French immigrants) in Eastbourne, Sussex. The young Theresa wanted to be a nun, seeing herself as the British Mother Teresa: The Sequel, but instead met and married a man called May. She studied geography and the layered strata of ancient landscapes. This spurred her to join the British Conservative Party and to Blu-tack posters of Margaret Thatcher to the bathroom door. Her father, who was a vicar, encouraged her to enter politics.
edit Skinning kittens
Theresa had a few unusual hobbies when young. She had coats made out of dead puppies and boots crafted from the skins of kittens. This gave her a reputation of someone to avoid in a dark alley. Theresa was the original inspiration for George R. R. Martin's character Lady Stoneheart in A Song of Fire and Ice.
May's next move was to get elected into Parliament as a Conservative. In 1997, she won the seat for Virgin-on-the-Water (Otherwise, Maidenhead). It was a bad year for blue, which had been crushed by Tony Blair's Labour Party. Theresa May was one of the small band of Tory women MPs left. She was selected for a top post in William Hague's opposition front bench, as everyone more qualified was disqualified by no longer being in Parliament at all.
edit We're all Nazis now
In 2001, the Tories contrived to suffer a second thorough defeat at the hand of the Labour party. This double drubbing led to May to question her party's reputation. At the party's conference, she said they were the 'nasty party.' Older members cheered, thinking she had said 'Nazi party.'
The speech got May noticed, especially because she delivered it wearing shoes made of dead cats. She later claimed they were simply 'kitten prints,' but Tories who were of a certain vintage became excited by this news. Here was someone with the killer instinct, but other Tories still saw her as the token woman in a party of balding men and sexless women, someone who could add colour to cheeks everywhere.
edit Home secretary
In 2010, May considered leaving politics and auditioning for a remake of The Wizard of Oz but then the David Cameron came first (in seats) in the British General Election that year but needing the Liberal Democrats as parliamentary ballast. May had already established herself as the Principal Conservative Woman and so required a top job. She was given the Home Office, a place where a minister was responsible for everything including immigration, police, passports, barbed wire and er..immigration again.
May's chief concern was foreigners, especially ones you couldn't spot from a distance unless they started talking. The worst ones were to be deported and for this May offered to load them up in a van and dump them off Dover.
Besides smelly immigrants, May's other great enemy is that other home of the unwashed - the Internet. She is convinced this is acting as a sewer to deliver pornography, political aggression and excessive downloading of programmes about cooking. She also hates Facebook for providing to many links to cat videos on You Tube. In response, May was keen to introduce severe controls over what people could do on the internet and has openly admired how the Chinese have dealt with this. Banning access to everything unless it is the Burberry website. Her aggressive pro-censorship stance has led to Jim Wales (founder of Uncyclopedia and Wikipedia in that order) to move to Holland.
edit Shy remainer to Prime Minister
In the Great Brexit Vote Lottery. May stayed quiet as her boss David Cameron threw himself onto the fire when he lost the vote. Other Tories who had campaigned for an out vote were then eliminated one-by-one as if in an Agatha Christie thriller. Finally her last opponent Angela Leadsom was found dead in the library with a bit of lead piping in her head, May was the only one left. Cameron was handed a pearl handled revolver, retreated into Number 10 and fired the bullet.
May stayed quiet for the next three months, hidden from view at No.10 except for a quick walking tour of Switzerland to prove she was a tough walker as well as a tough talker. In October she met her party and announced that she had a plan to leave the European Union. They cheered wildly. The big reveal would come in March 2017.
edit Special Relationship
May has made it clear on several occasions that she intends to restore the 'Special Relationship' that once existed between the United Kingdom and the USA — the type of relationship that restores Britain as Washington’s favourite, waggy-tailed pet. Many commentators observe that the relationship across the Atlantic had cooled, since the UK started pissing on Obama’s furniture over Syria. The president soon decided it was for the best, to put the UK in a kennel out in the yard and turn his attention to hearding cats in Gaza.
However, since the election of Donald Trump, dignitaries on both side of the Atlantic expressed hope that an obedient, lead and follow relationship could be reinstated. The Prime Minister increased efforts to reengage with the US, by announcing on prime time news her intention to make a telephone call directly to the White House. This marked a step-change from sneaking in unpopular announcements via the BBC World Service’s Hardtalk, at four thirty on a Sunday morning.
However this act of diplomacy has come under widespread criticism by Guardian columnist, Alexis Petridis. He has described the move as a sycophantic attempt to play up to Trump's brand of aggressive, reactionary conservatism; which is not considered part of the UK’s psyche — as the Brexit result had very clearly not shown. Impending dead air on the less politically motivated 24 hour newswires, was filled with nostalgic comparisons to Ronald Regan and Margret Thatcher during the golden age of spandex. The BBC however report that a Trump/May relationship, has every chance of making the infamous 80’s warmongering Conservatives seem like a pair of hemp-clad econinnies.
Since Mays near fatal stroke in 1992, she has supported a variety of UK-based charities. She is currently the CEO of the Stroke Association and has been a board member of The Heart Foundation for 30 years. Since 2004, in support of her charities, May takes part in the annual ‘Stroke Me’ charity challenge for the Stroke Association.
edit Stroke me
The annual ‘’Stroke Me Challenge’’, hosted by the BBC raises over £2,000,000 (US$850,000) yearly and is broadcast internationally to help raise awareness of those living with the complicated results of a stroke. The challenge involves one charitable celebrity who is strapped to the ‘Stroke Chair’. Once restricted from movement, a set number of ’strokers’ enter the room and proceed to stroke the celebrity in as many different ways as possible. Money donated to the BBC is collected using telephone and internet based systems, similarly to Comic Relief in the UK.
edit Battle for independence
Theresa May finally announced that Britain would start looking for a parachute to escape from the European Union in March 2017. Only True Blue Brits with a True Blue Passport would be allowed to live in the UK. For everyone else, we will "send them back" (as soon as we can make them "get orff moy lawn"). Rule Brexitania!
Theresa knew that the enemy would fight back ruthlessly in the two years of negotiations required by treaty. Therefore, she planned a blitzkrieg, hoping to attack before the enemy was ready, a campaign known as May in June.