Theories of Existence

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There are six main Theories of Existence, these are as follows:

  1. Theory of Creation: A set of rules dictating the effects that a creation has on the universe.
  2. Theory of Reality: That reality is what we perceive to be real.
  3. Theory of Negativity: That negative things have power.
  4. Theory of Intelligence: That if you add the collective intelligences of the entirety of existence you will get a minus number. See: Theory of Negativity.
  5. Theory of Magic: If anything is unexplainable, it must have been magic.

edit Theory of Creation

The principle behind the theory of creation is easy to understand, everything in the universe has to have been created, so everything in the universe has to have been created for a purpose (even Mrs. Blair) and anything with a purpose follows a set of rules and patterns, so it is possible to predict the effects anything will have on everything else. Those effects that have been proven to be consistent have been written in a list of rules, which are as follows:

Created Effect
The Human Race We ask seemingly obvious questions like why are we here. (to see the answer to this question, see the theory of reality).
The Animal Kingdom We destroy it.
Television We watch it.
Television We wait for the end of a program to go to the loo, so there will always be a queue for the toilet when people eventually go (and by this point they are all desperate).
Computers The internet is created.
The internet A website of ultimate knowledge is created.
Wikipedia A website is created to make fun of it.

The list is in its infancy, and so only has a few rules, feel free to add more rules of creation to the list.

edit The Theory of Reality

Reality is what we perceive is real, so whatever we perceive to be real is of course reality. This has confused scientists for decades, until one finally went mad and believed he was a talking chicken, and remarkably (since everyone else who knew him also believed this, because they were also mad) he spontaneously changed into the world's first talking chicken. This means that whatever we believe is true will become true. In fact, this is so true that modern policing relies completely on this to catch criminals. If they can make enough people believe that you are a criminal, then you become a criminal in accordance with the theory of reality, and they arrest you.

edit The Theory of Negativity

This is the theory that holding any theory of existence automatically falsifies the real meaning. And that paranoia is always justified, since real explanations evade the attempt to investigate them. (It's like those quantum finangles that behave different when there's a scientist around.) If you think a girlfriend is cheating on you, even if they are not, they will start because of the negativity of the thought.

Every positive atom in the universe is counterbalanced by a negative anti-matter one, so there is a negational mirror-image of reality permanently threatening it with annihilation on contact and only held in check by beach volleyball and the infinite number of possible pizza-toppings. According to the theory, this hostile counter-cosmos is the bit we are living in.

When people say "don't be so negative" you should say "You're right, I think I need a hug", then pull out a heavy-duty firearm and blow their head off. Cosmic equilibrium has now been restored.

edit The Theory of Intelligence

Not to be confused with Intelligent Design, which argues that the world is is a large-scale interior decoration project, this theory appeals to dumb clucks who are not smart enough to be drawn into circular logic loops like philosophers usually are. ..

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