Einstein's Theory of Relativity
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“If in one hand we have an apple, when we boost into the apple frame of reference, which we do through representations of the Lorentz group, it becomes an orange. That is relativity.”
“Imagine that this piece of string were infinite. What? Okay, well imagine that it were really, really long. No, longer than a mile. What? Yes, it would be very long. Okay now? Right, now imagine that this fork is time itself. What? Just because I have a fork handy, that's why.”
The Theory of Relativity, as proposed in a joint paper by Albert Einstein and Jacques Lacan, states that all relatives in a family were only in their various positions in the family relative to one another in a fixed point in time or space. For instance, a father is a father to a child and he is a brother to his brother. Thus the same person is both a father and a brother, from two different points of view. This is of minimum use in Physics, but Einstein had lots of Ph.D.s and qualifications to make it sound really important, so people credited him with the discovery anyway.
As such, it was one of the most important inventions in history, paving the way for the temporal paradox, the engine which powers the Time machine used by Professor Marty McFly in his famous time travel documentary Forward to the Past.
Theory of Relativity
Albert Einstein's 1905 rant On the Electrodynamics of Moving Bodies introduced the wild guess of relativity. Einstein's marketing agent suggested there may be some difficulty marketing a "wild guess," and in a brilliant marketing gambit, it was recast as a "Theory" or a "Principle."
While this principle was not new to Einstein's work, he found that putting a fork in the microwave oven may have seemed like fun, yet in the long run just ended up breaking the oven. The experiment was new, in its focus on placing various other objects in a microwave and seeing what happened. He found that the same power needed to spark a fork in the lab was equal to that required in a kitchen to be the same as that required to blow up a kitten, or melt a hydrated rose, regardless of their rotation or the motion of the body of food, flowers or fauna. Raindrops on roses and radiation on kittens were just a few of his favorite things.
The Theory of Relativity is based on two postulates:
- All motion is not absolute, but relative and therefore a matter of opinion, which was disproven when scientists discovered that the universe had a stationary center and therefore an absolute perspective from which all motion was seen (i.e. that of God).
- The speed of light is constant everywhere, except in the Star Wars universe, where it can cross a galaxy in only a few hours; this postulate was simply made up based on some guy called Maxwell.
From these two postulates, Einstein somehow deduced that increasing an object's speed will cause it to become heavier and shorter, just as people do when they get old, and cause it to see the rest of the universe speed up, just as people see the world do when they get old. In fact, as an object's speed approaches the speed of light, its length approaches zero and mass approaches infinity. Thus, nothing is able to travel at the speed of light, or faster than it (except tachyons, which are particles with imaginary mass that can't travel slower than light because they are always on the run from the Physics Police, but who gives a shit about them (except theoretical physicists who waste all their time on this stuff)?). Then he realized that if all motion was relative, then so was speed, and therefore so were masses, sizes, and all that other crap that changes with speed. Thus, it was possible for each of two guys moving past each other at extremely high speed to see the other as being shorter, heavier, and aging less rapidly than himself, and upon stopping, Guy #1 would be older from his own perspective than Guy #2, and Guy #2 would be older from his own perspective than Guy #1.
Realizing that his first postulate and his conclusions would normally violate each other and conventional reality, but not realizing that one of his postulates might actually be bullshit, Einstein decided that the only way to resolve this contradiction would be to say that everything was an opinion and therefore true from some perspectives but not all, including the belief that The Theory of Relativity is self-contradictory nonsense based on a fictional premise. But even this "solution" contradicts itself, as some beliefs, like the belief that not everything is an opinion, make themselves true from all perspectives when true from at least one, thereby preventing themselves from being opinions. Modern scientists often amend Einstein's solution to say that the definition of "opinion" can itself also be an opinion (in some people's opinions), and that every belief must therefore be an opinion under at least one definition of the word. This lead to The Theory of Relativity's spinoff, Relativism.
Later, just to annoy scientists further, Einstein declared that gravitational fields were warped areas in the fabric of space-time, contradicting his previous statement that space-time had no fabric to warp. He then declared that both were just his opinions. He may have had multiple personality disorder.
Speed of light
One weird result of the theory is that as an object's speed approaches the speed of light, its length approaches zero and its mass approaches infinity. Thus, nothing is able to travel at the speed of light, or faster than it (except tachyons, which are particles with imaginary mass that can't travel slower than light because they are always on the run from the Physics Police, but who gives a shit about them (except theoretical physicists who waste all their time on this stuff)?). But Zeno's Paradox states that all motion is impossible, not just that faster than light, so why the hell did we even start looking at motion in the first place?
He continues and says that the TWIN paradox is actually misguided. The correct interpretation is as follows. If you are on earth and your girl friend travels in a spaceship with velocity nearly equal to that of light (or semen) for about an year and returns back, you will be aged twice where, your girl friend will be blessed with twin babies, one is surely yours, but the reason for another baby is uncertain". This is the actual interpretation of twin paradox. Somehow if we are able to find out the reason for the birth of another baby, it can solve the age old mystery of Heisenberg's uncertainty principle.
E = mo2
Einstein's final piece of the puzzle was to formulate an equation he could tack on for idiots everywhere to use when they wanted to sound smart. That is the famous "E = mc2" business. No one actually knows what this means, and it is one of Einstein's greatest jokes on mankind. With the rise of feminism, women are also free to quote this equation in business meetings without having a clue. Equality is good for science, and progress.
This "equation" was proven to be false in the late 16th century by a peasant named William Dodd. He concluded (with much a much more convincing style of wording) that as Einstein was yet to be born--he himself already being aged 19, was his elder and thus superior of knowledge.
One of the strengths of such an enjoyable display is that, if the microwave is not your own, it's so much more amusing (although Einstein did not derive it this way). For proof, see the back of any TV dinner in which the instructions are translated from another language (e.g. "warning, this product may become hot when heated").
While it may seem like reading this article has taken approximately an hour, it has really only been about twelve seconds. That is Relativity.
The Theory behind The Theory
Albert Einstein was an exceptional scientist with a particularly logical mind. One day, after a fight with Stephen Hawking he was forced to take the train home, as Hawking had trashed his hovercar. He was bored, and being a scientist he calculated the speed of the train. It was roughly 200mph. It was at this point he realised that if he was on a train travelling at 200mph an hour towards Bristol, that it was conceivable Bristol might be travelling at 200mph towards him. This would mean he would crash into Bristol at a combined speed of 400mph and a force exceeding 100,000,000 N. It also occurred to him that if Bristol were to hit him at that speed, he would die. Therefore he decided to create a Universal law to prevent this kind of thing happening. He decided that if everything was relative to something else, then only smaller, more sensible, train shaped objects could travel at ridiculous speeds.
Often the terms Theory of Relativity and Theory of Special Relativity (see below) are interchanged. However, despite similarities this is incorrect. Special relativity is a rare occurrence for when regular relativity fails to prevent damage to Einstein. It allows him to move slightly to the left, thus avoiding any number of fast moving objects, which may or may not be Bristol.
The Theory Itself
Einstein's Theory of Relativity states:
|If an object is travelling at a given speed in a given direction is a pencil, and particularly if the object concerned is travelling at me, or if I am travelling at an object, especially if either the object or myself is travelling at a speed likely to cause injury to me, then only the object, and not the object and the destination, or target, will move, and it will slow down slightly.|
Einstein calculated the maximum safe speed for any given object to be a constant, which he called c. He then calculated the energy an object would have if it was travelling at speed c. This is 0.5mc^2. He then doubled this to take into account the other object travelling towards him, this gave mc^2. This value he called E, or "Einstein's Energy". Oddly, he changed the individual letters whilst high so it gave rise to the famous equation:
- E = mc2
History of the Theory
At first the theory was unpopular. It is only recently, with the invention of the Dodge Vyper and other particularly large cars that the theory has become of utmost importance for the protection of small children and other roadkill.
“Not only is the Theory the product of a cowardly and unscientific mind, it interferes with the AA route planner”
“If a man and an ape are heading towards each other at 200mph, but due to relativity they slow down and do not die then survival of the fittest has not occurred. Hence evolution will not occur. I thus conclude that Albert Einstein is God, and does not exist”
“If an apple and a napkin was to cross paths on mars the galaxy would fall into entropy. I do not base this theory on evidence for I am no scientist and I do not know anything about physics but I believe this to be true.”
Time Dilation Theory
However, the theory did not end here. Whilst on another train, Albert Einstein realized that if a third party were to watch two objects heading towards each other at speeds he considered unsafe, then relativity would not in fact come into action, as both objects would be heading for the third person, and relativity would be acting on him, and not on Einstein. Panicking, in case he was about to collide into Bristol whilst someone watched, Einstein scribbled down another theory on a napkin.
“If two objects are heading towards each other at great velocity, relativity will not be occurring from the prospective of a third party. Hence, particularly if I am on one of the objects, and so things make more sense, time will slow down so I can escape the impending collision”
However, realizing this theory was confusing, particularly to any fourth party involved, he decided to say this would only occur noticeably at speeds close to light speed. Light speed was a term he invented merely to distract the general public from his cowardice and irresponsible creation of physical laws.
Time Dilation also become useful in his later years so he could run out and fetch doughnuts in between catching trains to Bristol.
The Special Theory of Relativity is a special case of "General Theory of Relativity". When you move with velocity nearly equal to that of light but not more than it, time itself slows down. Yes, inside the moving frame the time itself slows down. You may ask "can I see it?". The answer is No! Because your brain itself will slow down inside the frame. The person outside the frame will not be able to see the time dilation inside, rather he will see the length contraction. The reason the Special Theory has never been tested is that experimental Physics is conducted by poorly endowed men particularly worried that travel near the speed of light would further minimize their natural endowments.
General Theory of Relativity
General theory of relativity explains what really gravity means. Nearly 200 years back Isaac Newton said that an apple falls on earth because there is invisible shit like rope which is tied between earth and drags every thing (which he called GRAVITY). He even said that the shit even extends to heavenly bodies like planets, stars and galaxies. All these heavenly bodies are held by a single entity called shit.
To understand really what the gravity is according to Einstein, imagine a stretched napkin, place a spherical poop in the middle. the poop will change the shape of napkin. Here poop is like earth, napkin is like space surrounding the earth. If you place any thing on napkin it will move towards poop. Similarly every thing such as an apple will move towards poop earth. The apple will move through the space as guided by the shape.
Einstein's relativity theory is one of the chief components of hyperspace travel, as shown in Star Trek and Star Wars. Their formulation was based on the fact that everything can only be seen relative to everything else, and that everything is really moving at a fantastic speed in every possible direction at every possible time. For instance at this moment you at this moment are spinning around the world, which is spinning round the sun, which is spinning round the galaxy, which is itself spinning round the universe. - thus all you have to do is stop, and you will have travelled an enormous distance - this is the principle at the heart of hyperspace travel. Albert himself went on a date with his cousin/wife through hyper space.
As relative of itself
The theory of how something can be like something else, but not quite. The theory states that observers can see the same event differently depending on how far they are away from the server. The theory itself is relatively complex. It can only be explain in terms relative to itself. So to adequately understand relativity you have talk like a Bel Air Blonde who just graduated from a Junior College. Like that's like relative, right?