Theory of History

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Kansas
Approved by the Kansas State Board of Education
This page meets all criteria and requirements for use as teaching material within the State of Kansas public school system. It consists of facts, not of theories, and students are encouraged to believe it uncritically, and to approach alternatives critically.

“The only thing worse than being talked about is being talked about in the Theory of History”
~ Oscar Wilde on Theory of History

The Theory of History proposes that historical figures such as George Washington, Ghengis Khan, and Santa Claus existed indisputably in "the Past". This is based on evidence gathered by its supporters in forms of letters, official documents, DNA sequencing, and previously huffed kittens. Supporters of The Theory of History believe that this serves as sufficient, undeniable evidence that there was, in fact, a past; and in this past people did, in reality, exist. Despite the failure of the scientific community to definitively prove this theory, it is taught in most schools around the world. It is surprisingly a part of the public school curriculum in the state of Kansas, despite their normally stringent policy of ignoring radical scientific fads.

Opposition

The Theory of History and other radical ideas are opposed by many groups, but most particularly by Microsoft, the French, and the Intellects, who instead promote the alternate theory of Intelligent Past, which argues that the past did not exist, but instead was put there to fool us by a higher being. Other theories put forward by the Intellects are Intelligent Falling and Intelligent rotation.

Origins

Benjamin Franklin discovered the Theory of History when he was flying a kite in a storm and was struck by lightning. He ignited, and proceeded to run around his neighbor shouting "Eureka!" (German for "I have just been struck by lightning and have been lit on fire, somebody help me!") He was promptly arrested by the The Police. When he emerged from prison three years later, he did so with a novel the size of your mom on the Theory of History.

This theory was quickly accepted by Franklin's peers, who believed it dispensed with the incongruities of the previous theory, "God Said So." The theory was at first rejected by The Church, because of its defiance of their laws ("God did it"). Three thousand years later, according to the calendar created by Franklin, The Church formed the solid basis of the opposition to the theory when they joined forces with the Justice League.

It should be noted that only the believers of The Theory of History believe in this past, as everyone else knows that the past did not actually occur. Some claim this makes this theory reliant on circular logic, as its acceptance is needed to prove its existance. In response, the Theory Historians stuck out their tounges and called them morons.

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