The whereabouts of Osama bin Laden
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Have you ever wondered about the whereabouts of Osama Bin Laden? Well, that's why I'm here, to clear up any conspiracy theories and crack this mystery (no chance). But first of all I need to address all the theories about where he is, and trust me, he is not your day to day taxi driver from Solihull, England.
edit Bin Laden & the CIA:
Bin Laden did not work for the CIA, though he does have contact with George W Bush, he is not your neighbour, he does not work down the road, he is not in the US or the UK, he has not been captured, he is not dead and he is not having tea parties with the Queen!
edit Where is he?
Bin Laden is in a dingy little cave in the foot hills of some Afghanistan mountains controlling all his operations using the internet, a camcorder and some editing software! Or maybe up George W. Bush's ass. Think about it, he does live in a cave in remote Afghanistan. His videos show him in a cave (or in front of a dirty white cloth). With a £16.9 million ransom on his head... I wouldn't think he would get on an American Airways plane, and ride in first class to another country. Now, enough of your pointless conspiracies... they are getting us no where, as a nation.
UPDATE: Some people say that the government is doing everything it can to find Osama. However, we have just gotten an anonymus tip, saying that Osama bin Laden is currently living right outside the White House.
edit How is Osama Bin Laden staying alive?
Well, obviously you would think that Bin Laden would live on a diet of rocks and roots as he is living in a cave. But we will never know! As the head of Al Qaeda, he has thousands of militants under his command protecting him every hour of every day. But how does these Al Qaeda terrorists afford all these weapons? Well Osama Bin Laden's family are all polygamists! Bin Laden has dozens of siblings and comes from a family with close links to the Saudi Arabian royal family.
edit Did he get a shave & a haircut then changed his name to Obama?
No. He was not just elected to be president of the United States of America. He does not have a diabolical plan to take of the U.S.A. or the world. Obama and Osama aren't related and they have never known each other before! Besides, Obama is a Kenyan and Osama is Arab and there is no way that they ever met.
edit Other Conspiracies:
They're All lies, lies & lies!
- You did not see him in Woolworths buying a Casio watch because he is wearing one in the photo up above.
- Osama Bin Laden is not a hostage in someone's basement with his camel in the shed and all his weapons in the loft while U.S. smart bombs are flying up and down the street but won't locate him because the curtains are shut.
- He is not hiding out at your friends house, despite the allegations from many of your other class mates. Just because they both have beards doesn't mean they're related (ehm Younus Q.)
- For the final time, he is not Obama
- he is not your teacher..... maybe
- he is not one of the fab five
edit Why He Is Hiding
It is has been speculated that Osama is looking for a very rare mineral and chemical called Nukem to pay off the United States with a amazing explosion in the States that will cause no damage whatsoever. Also he may be looking for the native Afgan people which live in caves to recruit for his organization that helps the world with fireworks that his people wear. However the most possible reason he is hiding is he is hiding from CHUCK NORRIS but is useless because Chuck can find him and kill him without even going the Afganassstan which also is the reason Waldo is hiding.
Because that's got to be true. Right?