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Someone pitied this article. Unlike you they gave a damn and got their finger out to help it. Return later when they're done being a good writer.
The shits is the phenomena that people experience when they experience a paranormal phenomena, go to the IRS for a audit, or other stressful matters. Symptoms include a HUGE wet spot appearing on the bottom of your pants, a horrible smell, and loud noises exiting your ass. In the later stages, there is a smelly brown wet mess in your pants. Your pals won't allow you to be with them after this has happened, thus causing a stigmata to be associated with this human function. The only cure for the shits is clean pants, deodorant, a shower and isolation from what caused the shits to happen. Another cure is a LOT of milk and cheese. However, unlike cures for hot chili peppers, eating things like wasabi and petrolium jelly will not cure the shits. In fact, they may cause more of the shits.
The shits are not to be confused with crapping in a bucket from a very high building and peeing in your shorts.
edit Causes of the shits
Varied, cheese, includes spotting something that the US Government has not approved for public viewing, such as a flying saucer, aliens, Bigfoot, going to the IRS, going to have sex with Janet Reno (Or Your Mom), a trip to Mexico, and some of the Admins who eat pie, Cisco Company's Linksys Wi Fi unit, which IS shit, taking a trip to India and eating the food there. Physics, PE and Drama lessons have also been identified as attributing factors. Additionally, those who do NOT reside in and around the midwest may wish to avoid any Wal★Mart outlets due to their high probability for the occurrence of Wet and Evil Demon Lithuim,Stink, as well as human to human gastronomic and fecal exchange. As such, extra caution should be exerted in the vicinity of transparent low-density polyethylene cups, as well as the surrounding aisles. The best method of caution in this situation is the usage of the Aperture Labratories Portal Shitting Device
Wet pants,brown discharge, horrid smell, wet sounding noises coming out of the affected person's ass, the presence of shit in your pants, extremely sudden weight loss.(Its been proven that you lose 10 pounds per shitting session)
Video Games, Chuck Norris, Emily Blanchard, cake, destroying the sworn enemy of the Uncyclopedia Alliance, clean pants and underwear, Shitting, deodorant, shower and temporary isolation from what caused the shits to happen. A extreme cure is to sew the person's ass shut or shove kittens and puppies up their ass. This however should not be done with a kitten that you later wish to huff, as an inadvertent dirty sanchez may occur. It also should not be done with any cat species other than Felis domesticus, as wild cats have been known to tear people's asses to bits upon entering the anal canal.
edit Recent Developments
The shits had played the roles of Bulk and Skull in The Mighty Morphin Power Rangers. Recently, the shits were seen with protesters protesting the U.S. laws regarding illegal shitting in public, laws passed by cats and kittens, the new law, called H.R. 500 states that if it shits, it is to go to Washington, D.C. to do so, so that the residents there can make new laws out of the shits, such as laws promoting mandatory $300.00 per gallon of gasoline, laws promoting puppies and kittens to be Dick Cheney's targets for his shooting pleasure, laws mandating that Bigfoot has sex with YOU, laws mandating that the Taco Bell Dog has anal sex with kittens and puppies, The Bird Flu, David Letterman's Shingles, You, Me, Bigfoot, France.
Recently, the shits were seen on Uncyclopedia, looking for YOU, me, some of the Admins on it. Speculation is that they were in compliance of H.R. 500 and Senate bill 6.B1200, which says that if it shits, it is to report to Washington, and give the shits to anyone who dares to protest US policies.
edit Explosive Diarrhea
Explosive diarrhea is the medical term for a really bad case of the shits where the wet shit flies out of your asshole with explosive force. It has been known to cause shit water to splash up from the toilet onto you or into your mouth which should be avoided. In some cases, this shit will blow up the toilet, spraying shit all over the place. Senator McCain has expressed interest in the shits, but he is far too old to take a shit. President Obama promises that Americans will no longer afford to even take a shit. Obama's choice for vice president is the number-one victim of explosive diarrhea.
edit Implosive Diarrhea
The exact opposite of explosive diarrhea, implosive diarrhea occurs when you get the shits near the event horizon of a black hole. During this occurence, the wet shit implodes, then collapses into itself, forming a quantum shit singularity. This smelly object is said to contain zero volume, a helluva lot of gravity, and of course extremely dense shit. Other known causes of implosive diarrhea are getting Rickrolled twice in one day, as well as swallowing Grubble Gum. Victims of implosive diarrhea are usually pulled into the black hole, along with everything else within smelling distance of the original shit. Recent studies conducted at Walter Reed Army Medical Center indicate that implosive diarrhea may finally and fully explain the existence of Ann Coulter. This is not to be confused with an asplosion caused by something other than the shits.
edit Ten Foot Shit-Spray
This is a common phenonemon that you will see in gas station bathrooms and rest stops. The entire wall (usually above the toilet), is spackled with diarrhea spray ten feet up the wall.
It is a very mysterious occurance and some witnesses claim to have seen Big Foot(aka Sasquatch)leaving the scene of the fecal crime.
The abdominal muscles of the culprit (in non big foot shitting circumstances)are generally made of criptonite and some anonymis shit sprayers claim to have spiked their burritos with gun powder before leaving their mark.
Others feel this is just another terrorist threat upon America and blame the middle east.
- Mexico shits on YOU!
- The military calls this "The G.I. Shits."
- Like hell it does! Private Pyle, rewrite this article on the double! R. Lee Ermey 33 February 3000 (UTC)
- Me rewrite this shit?! Fuck You. Private Pyle22:52, 22 November 2008 (UTC)
- New Admins often get the shits.
- Admins give new users the shits
- Getting benned causes the shits in people with a NoobFactor higher than pi.
- IPs often get shit on, NOT Welcomed to, Uncyclopedia
- In Soviet Russia: The shits get YOU!
- In Korea, people shit on the Russian Reversal gag.
- Thats what happens when you eat KFC!!!!
- MAN NOT THE COUCH
- Seran wrap on the toilet while having the shits is unnecessary and may lead to your friends hating you
- Obama IS the shits, especially after being shitted out by Hillary Clinton
- Seeing Obama debating crap gives me the shits.
- Wikipedia IS The shits
- MAN NOT THE TOILET
- Seeing Ann Coulter gives me The Shits
- Seeing pages link to themselves is the shits.
- Hiding pages in falsely named links gives me the shits, especially a hidden Rickroll.
- SHIT MAN, NOT THE WASHING MACHINE
- SHIT MAN, NOT THE KITCHEN SINK
edit See Also
- Your Mom
- Power Rangers
- Washington, D.C.
- Aperture Labratories' cures for the shits
Some old folks are not happy unless they have 3 small squirtys aday....and that is the shits!