The Man

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“I'm sick of them sticking it to me!”

~ The Man on Hippies

“In Soviet Russia, the man sticks to you!”

~ Russian Reversal on the man

“I wish The Man would stick it to me...”

~ Oscar Wilde on the man

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about The Man.

This is The Man's world...

"The Man" is keeping me down, man. The "Man" is a specific individual who runs the government, is in bed with the leaders of all large corporations, and is behind the scenes when it comes to authority figures in general. The Man is real and controls our world, which is why many people choose to fight him. A large majority of these people have questionable taste in clothing, below average hygiene, above average amounts of free time, and cospious amounts of questionable legal substances, but let these facts not turn you from our cause.

[edit] On the Origin of The Man

It all began over 100 years ago. It was a magical time of discovery, a time of free love and bell-bottoms. The television was coming into mainstream popularity, and dinosaurs were being phased out as the main method of transport, as you grandparents discovered the much more effective alternative of the "perpetual uphill both way snow storm walk of impossibility". It was truly a wonders time, except for The Man. yes, believe it or not, The Man was not created (entirely) in a lab, but was give birth to by a pair of hippies in the back seat of a Ford. This paternal relationship was cut short when The Man in child form strangled his parents with their own dreadlocks while they were sleeping. The authorities were in total awe of The Man's cold-hearted killing, and decided that The Man would be a powerful ally in the fight against happiness.

His training consisted 10 weeks of political science, 15 weeks of economics, 20 weeks of practical business education, and approximately 15 minutes of Fox News. This unholy cocktail of education provided the grounds for The Man to achieve the one true purpose of the establishment: An excuse to make poor people suffer for (often sexual) pleasure.

“You can't win. Yeah, you can try, but in the end you're just gonna lose, big time, because the world is run by the Man. The Man. Oh, you don't know the Man? Well, he's everywhere. In the White House, down the hall, Ms. Mullins, she's The Man, man.”

~ Jack Black on The Man

[edit] A man eat man world

The Man uses his power to increase his own power and reduce everyone else's. After all, if he did anything but this, he would not be The Man. The Man wishes to control all human life on the earth, in panties, stick them into internatonal business standard, and have it work for 9.95/hour while they worship his panty-wearing ass. Men will eat each-other, but it is frowned upon in most societies.

[edit] Jesus Christ on The Man

“Thou shalt not worhsippest the man, lest thine ears falleth off. Instead, throweth thine oldest fishes against the wall of the man's establishment, so that thou might bask in the glory of sticking fishes to the wall of the man. Amen.”

~ Jesus Christ on The Man

[edit] Mans, you can't live with 'em...

In his spare time The Man has many hobbies, notably working with charities which promote racial oppression, such as the public school system. Yes, The Man controls the public school system too. After every ounce of self-esteem has been crushed it becomes easier to transform you into one of The Man's corporate drones.

“There used to be a way to stick it to the Man, it was called rock 'n roll. But guess what, oh no, the Man ruined that, too, with a little thing called MTV!”

~ Jack Black again on The Man

[edit] The many faces of the man

A rare photograph of The Man taken in the 1970s. He no longer has this form, of course.

The Man is capable of shape-shifting his form to suit his purposes. Usually he will take the form of an entity such as Hitler, Saddam Hussian, That guy in North Korea, or "that really mean English teacher you had in seventh grade. You know. The one with the mole the size of a raccon's brain who made you pee yourself because she wouldn't let you go to the bathroom?".However, The Man often enjoys taking the form of generic entities, as to further his power in small ways and subtly manipulate the establishment from the inside.

[edit] The Man in the Corner Office

Like all of the Man's forms, this one exists to screw you over. Posing as your coworker and confidant, he lures you into spilling your guts over how much you love the other Man who is gay. Meanwhile, he's deciding whether to dock your already measly pay or end "casual Fridays". This form of the man is used to crush his already downtrodden wage slaves that work for his wrinkled, overbearing ass.

The problem with this form, however, is that this form is a sexy piece of ass. He looks he came right out of Fox News' "Spring Brake Report". Everything he does is perfect, his teeth are white, and you can see his juicy triceps bulging out from his...never mind. Women are the most vulnerable to this form, and he will often use it for mating, in addition to its other purposes. The resulting spawn will usually end up either in the fast food industry or the leader of a police state, depending on the upkeep of his facial hair.

[edit] Police officer

The Man shapeshifts into the form of a policeman when he wants to fuck with black people, hippies or general freaks at a "street level". This is because in most of his other forms he can't legally hit people with a stick for no reason. One of his particular favorites is making people subject to archeaic standards of respect in his presence, meanwhile their mother is dieing in teh backseat of a car with a pipe sticking out of her gut.

[edit] Regular Meetings

The Man has weekly conferences with his henchman in 'The Establishment'. The Man is a creature of habit, so the meetings follow a pretty set format:

Suits you, Man

• Usually they kick off by reading the megalomaniacal diatribes from the last meeting. This gives them all an erection but the Man's is always the biggest and best.
• Before moving on to the week's business, they break for doughnuts and coffee, The Man always gets the Boston Kreme, and leaves the others to fight for the one with the chocolate sprinkles.
• The Man devotes at least 45 minutes of every session to hand picking the names of the common, hard-working folk that he will randomly victimise that week. Sometimes they pick a theme to spice things up, like people with newborn babies, disabilities or people from ethnic minorities.
• In meetings with the man, "Any other business" has a whole new meaning. They get the lightpro going then surf the internet looking for any business not owned by The Man, when they find one they use a magic 8 ball to decide its fate.
• The Man often makes jokes in meetings about the unspeakable acts he has committed, then the underling with the most forced laughter is dragged off by Be-bop and Rocksteady off of the Turtles (sic) for a good kicking. Usually they are taken to an ajoining room with a soundproof glass wall so The Man can enjoy their beating whilst listening to the works of Schubert or Mozart.

[edit] Old man's network

However it's not all work, work, work at the establishment....

• The Man also enjoys smoking. A true connoisseur, The Man only smokes cigars that have been hand rolled on the thigh of 18-year-old virgins - usually one he intends to deflower that evening.
• Most of The Man's crew are fairly aged, and they often enjoy traditional old man activities such as dominoes, not giving kids their ball back and changing each other's colostomy bags.
• Like most megalomaniacs, The Man enjoys relaxing with a game of chess. In order to spice the game up, the Man has his minions dress up in costume and play the game out on a huge chessboard in one of his many pleasure chambers. If a piece is taken, The Man expects the taking piece to kill the minion representing the taken piece in a bloody manner. Because of the near-hypnotic hold he has over his underlings, the minions not only allow this but actually thank The Man before being evicerated. The Man almost-always wins his game, having only being defeated once. On that occasion the victor, a Texan oil billionaire who liked to think he was "equal" to The Man was removed to a neighbouring pool and fed to The Man's pet sharks whilst The Man watched the whole thing, casually eating brazil nuts from a silver bowl.

[edit] Speculate to accumulate

“This year, no man has distinguished himself by relentlessly dominating society, controlling the global marketplace, and keeping the little guy down quite like the man we honor here today, and that man is The Man.... Who among us can honestly say they have never backed down in the face of the staggering magnitude and power of The Man? Many have devoted their entire lives to resisting The Man, but, in the end, their efforts have brought them failure, degradation, and, more often than not, utter destruction at The Man's mighty hand, man.”

~ Time Magazine on The Man

[edit] Companies owned in part or in whole by The Man

Rupert Murdoch likes to think he's "down" with The Man. In reality, The Man only keeps Murdoch near so he can wipe his arse on Murdoch's wrinkly old face whilst Rupert has to say he likes it. :)

• McDonald's Restaurants and Fine Eateries International, Incorporated. Purveyors of re-cycled meats.
• The Coca-Cola Company - the world's largest best company!
• The Google - "Don't be evil" is a concept they promote so they can monopolize the biz.
• The Microsoft Corporation - a software manufacturer, which sells freakin amazing products.
• Jamster - a cellular phone ringtone seller. "Our tunes are catchy, like plague."
• Nike - a clothing manufacturer, run by children, for children.
• The Gap - a clothing retailer; run child, or they'll lock you up in a sweatshop.
• Wal-Mart - a retail chain run by the elderly, disabled veterans and retards.
• Fox News - a 24-hour news channel which The Man uses to shift all blame in the country away from him and onto the liberal media.
• BSkyB - See Fox news.
• Wikipedia - source of misinformation from The Man.
• Uncyclopedia - source of misinformation about misinformation from The Man.
• Apple Computers - a company that sux men balls.
• FUBU - That's right, FUBU.
• Salvation Army - A "charitable" organization responsible for the anti-Santas mugging people outside department stores.
• Public School - No, it is not run by the tax payers.
• Disney- Its Disney, Man
• You - Yes, indeed he owns you real good.

[edit] The real truth about the man, brought to you by The Man

The Man Himself?

“Hey man, a lot of people will tell you the whole man thing is just some shit hippies dreamt up when they got paranoid on a bad trip, man. That's like a crock a shit man, any man that tells you that is working for the man, man. Even people who tell you the man exists, like tell it to you in a stupid way man, so you will think they are full of shit, when really they are full of shit, because they tell you the truth to make you believe lies, man. Just think about it for a while man, and it all starts to make sense man.”

~ The Man on Himself (Or is it? Maybe it isn't and you're being bluffed. By The Man, man

[edit] The Only way to kill 'The Man'

The Man does not die. It can not be killed.