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"See those first four commandments? That's all me, baby."
~ God on "Larry King"
"As if singing 'Rocketman' wasn't bad enough, THEN the son of a bitch travels halfway across the galaxy just to find me. I should never have given him my cell phone number."
~ God on Captain Kirk
"To be honest with you, that God guy is kind of a dick."
~ Oscar Wilde on God
"He's a little sick...and he wants me crazy. I mean, who the hell can say it's okay for him to live through me?"
~ Layne Staley on being a little bitter about God
God (Born God Peterson Amadeus Micheal von Heindenberg Dammit but usually shortened to God Dammit) is a vindictive psychopath who supports George Dubya Bush and his 'crusade' in Iraq, a country filled with swarthy skinned non-Christians, usually referred to as "terrorists" in the southern states of the USA and on Fox News. His Pro-Life followers on Earth kill doctors and young women who have been raped several days prior 'out of love for the children', to quote Michael Bay. The real God is the most fuckin awesome thing in all existence.
The all knowing-all loving god of the universe is responsible for all natural disasters, wars, horrific infectious diseases and Republicans on planet Earth. He creates homosexuals so they can be one of many flashpoints of hatred and ridicule for his followers on Earth, in case they get bored with starting wars and brainwashing children. Some theologians have suggested that God is confused about his own sexuality and created homosexuals to get some idea of how they act.
He has assumed many names and forms over the years, but 'Yahweh' is his most popular name in the west today. People in Israel and Palestine sometimes call each other names, throws stones at each other, fire tow missiles at each other and bomb schools and hospitals because they can't seem to make their mind up about God's name. God of course considers this a laugh riot and watching the action in Palestine and Israel is major entertainment in heaven. There are righteous bookies in heaven with which pious souls bet on how many people will be killed as a result of sectarian violence in the next 10 minutes. 3267 is the most popular bet.
He created the universe during his week off from burying dinosaurs a few thousand years ago to kill some time (and a few trillion of his fantastic new creations through war, famine, disease, murder and reruns of Friends). He told his original two creations he could see everything they did, like all parents do, but when they misbehaved in the front garden he was nowhere to be seen.
God likes to keep himself healthy by exercising on a regular basis and sticking to a healthy diet. According to pastor Fred Phelps god is also a non-smoker. Phelps likes to spread this message by carrying a board which proclaims that 'God hates fags'.
God was never born. He just always existed. He also doesn't die. This sort of makes writing a biography a drag. So we won't. His various autobiographies, however, are best sellers worldwide.
Since the 19th century, some have claimed God is dead. However, in 2005 FOX news refuted this claim with recent footage of God, saving us writing time. Also, he appeared to give His full unconditional support of the Republican Party in the year 2004.
In His spare time, God enjoys exercising by creating rocks so big that even He can't lift them. Unfortunately, he also created a demon so powerful even He couldn't control it, and as such the world has been under the influence of this demon since the beginning of this century. The Bible does point out that the end of days will come after the millennium, so the new prophet, AKA George W. Bush, has pledged to destroy what is left on the Earth that can be destroyed. Of course the Bible also starts most sentences with "And" and says that Jesus will return with white hair, eyes of fire, brass feet, and a sword sticking out of his mouth (Rev1:13-16), so perhaps it is not the best book to turn to for prophecy, truth, authority and whatnot.
The new prophet claims that all people on Earth who do not follow his example possess weapons of mass destruction and must be destroyed. Recent examples include North Korea, Iraq and Iran, although it is worth pointing out that since North Korea has acquired genuine nuclear weapons they've conveniently slipped off the 'axis of evil' list. Some other brave rulers on Earth such as the gracious and righteous hero Tony Blair Witch feel the best way to please the new prophet is to stick his head up his arse and donate his own soldiers so they may be killed in God's name. This doesn't always go down well with the subjects that the Blair Witch rules over.
One thing that Caucasians have always agreed with is that God is white. God is balding, with a big bushy beard. He usually sits in a motorised wheelchair and listens to his iGod, which contains only Death Metal. He is also a porn addict.
God wears a pair of zebra striped flip flops with Bart Simpson socks. He also wears a red and yellow spotted dress, the upper half of a lime green tuxedo with a multicoloured bow tie, a Dalmatian skin balaclava with a pair of Elton John’s sunglasses and a Burberry baseball cap worn back to front.
Indeed, God's dress sense, gender and form has varied since humans invented him. The first time we saw god he looked a gigantic yellow and orange smiley face who moved across a room covered with sky blue wallpaper. When the Egyptians came on the scene they decided that one God wasn't good enough. They decided to make up a number of gods that could increase indefinitely over time. Gods in Egypt usually took the form of a buff cat with huge conical ears, wearing a baseball cap and smoking a pipe. These cats were generally yellowy-grey in appearance and stood as high as 200m. These gods still exist in Egypt today, but their bodies have been covered with sand and only their ears are now visible.
The Greeks adopted a similar domestic policy which decided on who or what God was. The Greeks carried on the Egyptian policy of multiple Gods but they decided that all the Gods would look different from one another. The first God of ancient Greece was a 90cm tall creature with a spiky blue body and who had the ability to move across the screen at ungodly speeds. The God's stomach, mouth and ears were gold colored and he wore white gloves and red and white trainers. He was hailed as the God of movement.
The Romans decided to take the God principle one step further by giving him a son. They called him 'Jesus'. He was an underweight hippie who walked about half naked wearing nothing but a set of curtains and a pair of sandals that were made from an old tire. The Romans soon bored of him and forced him to be on the popular but dangerous Roman gameshow called "Crucifixion!". Unfortunately, as with all contestants on "Crucifixion!", Jesus died while playing.
Due to God's unrelenting reign of horror over innocent people and blessing of sub-human psychopaths, some people on Earth consider him to be something of a twat.
Some people on Earth claim that even the most gracious and loving men in history such as Genghis Khan, Joseph Stalin, Adolf Hitler, Chairman Mao and Saddam Hussein are much more loving than God. Some people believe that god should bestow more love upon Earth in the form of few hurricanes, floods, earthquakes and pandemics of deadly diseases to prove his love of man. To this end a group of American evangelicals decided to sue God in a landmark legal case.
Amnesty International and Human Rights Watch on the other hand felt God had already proven his love of man beyond reasonable doubt and wrote a long document detailing the evidence. The evangelicals broke from their normal habit of accepting reason and logic and decided to sue anyway.
The US Supreme Court ruled in favor of the evangelicals and demanded that god hand out more love in the form of a category 5 hurricane, the most destructive in US history, upon the God blessed people of the United States. Evil, godless liberals in the country, who always say that physical evidence shows that all this god stuff is nonsense tried to blame the hurricane on the evil deity ”global warming”.
The creation of the universe
The Bible, which is of course a factual and flawless account of the history of existence, details the creation of the infinite expanse of the universe being created during God's week off. There is an ever increasing group of godless, hell-bound individuals on Earth who doubt this is the case however.
This group of godless deviants who are collectively referred to as 'physicists' have shown that the all points of the universe are expanding with a velocity proportional to their displacement from the original site of the creation of the universe. The theory goes that the universe came about as a result of a 'big bang' and everything began to expand until the universe as we know it today finally formed. Another version of the same story says that God bumped his head into the apple tree and forgot how he created the universe. Yet another even more accurate story states that the big bang started with an arm wrestling match between God and his roommate Chug. Chug was about to beat God until God farted and waved the fart in Chug's direction. God then took this advantage to pin a disgusted Chug and beat him. God then felt another fart coming and asked to borrow Chug's lighter. God then tried to set his fart on fire. The result was a mass explosion that created the universe. The Bible had to be right but 'physicists' couldn't be wrong too. So, he ended up mixing the theories to keep the writer of the book and the writers of many books happy. He concluded that since it was his week off, he decided to have an orgy resulting in the creation of the universe. The orgy became so big that it went out of control and hence was called the Big Bang.
Another group of even more evil individuals collectively known as 'biologists' have shown that life did not come about from some guy who came out of nowhere blowing into a handful of manure, but had come into being due to a steady process of evolution driven by a process of mutation, variation among the offspring and natural selection over a process of 3,400,000,000 years.
The proof of this theory is that if God couldn't go for seven days without a rest then how could he have worked non stop for 4.5 billion years?
A miracle is a good thing that happens when one would expect a bad thing to happen. An example of this might be George Bush falling down the stairs leading to an aeroplane hatch and breaking his neck once Airforce One lands in your country.
Miracles are usually carried out by humans, and the humans in question often get pissed off when God takes credit for their actions. Recent miracles carried out by humans include:
- American and British soldiers risking their lives to save an ungrateful bastard who was being held prisoner in Iraq.
- A Canadian pilot navigating an aircraft to safety after it was struck by lightning. A kind of ironic miracle I’m sure you’ll agree.
- John Prescott not exploding.
- Keith Richards still being alive. (What can I say, God digs the stones?)
- Matt Jonson and his 5 dads forcing little boys to shower together, but the little boy gets paid a lote of money to shut up.
In the current fuel crisis many alternate fuels have been debated but christian scientists say that we have overlooked on very important substitute, God's Love. They claim it to be a renewable source of energy because the bible says its eternal therefore it will last for ever. There is one major draw back however, the scientists are still trying to find ways to harvest the energy and convert it to electricity. At the moment the only thing being prodused is a possibaly dangerous by-product called religion. This can cause affects such as false hope and a conscience. Religious power plants will have to have extream structural reinforcement to prevent any leakage or any possible ways that this hurtful by-product could escape.
- Making up God quotes
- The ring of power
- God's Playground
- God V. Nietzsche
- Jewish History
- Mrs. God
- JR "Bob" Dobbs
|The Christio-Religio Ladderal Hiearchy|
|Top Rung, the Holy Trinity: God, Jesus, & the Holy Spirit, opposed by Satan|
Middle Rung, the Holy Triforce: Jeez, & The Holy Ghost, opposed by Stan