The guy who always conveniently has anything needed stored in his ridiculously large 80s parachute pants

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James Twiggy Sanders

The guy who always conveniently has anything needed stored in his ridiculously large 80s parachute pants during a spirited game of basketball.

The guy who always conveniently has anything needed stored in his ridiculously large 80s parachute pants, always conveniently has anything needed stored in his ridiculously large 80s parachute pants. Need a stick of gum? Easy. A screwdriver? Child's play. A bowl of mashed potatoes, seasoned lightly with garlic salt and a tablespoon of butter? Don't make me laugh. A scale replica of the Leaning Tower Of Pisa? Check his back left pocket. The actual Leaning Tower of Pisa? Yep. He's got that too.

Often seen hanging around teenagers and crazy negros (but not both at the same time), the guy who always conveniently has anything needed stored in his ridiculously large 80s parachute pants makes a hobby of solving bizarre mysteries, playing basketball, riding in a buggy, and being a raving lunatic, albeit a very kind one.

The Guy

The guy who always conveniently has anything needed stored in his ridiculously large 80s parachute pants is a black man, with milk-chocolatey skin, a medium sized afro, a tall, lanky build, and, of course, a pair of ridiculously large, purple parachute pants. He is cheery, personable, fun to be around, and a master improviser. He's good at sports, is loved by all, and has an arch-enemy with a ridiculous theme or motif surrounding him, such as The Evil Gardener or Maxwell, The Ice Cream Vendor.

The guy who always conveniently has anything needed stored in his ridiculously large 80s parachute pants is a "lover" and not a "fighter". He is well read, occasionally rides a horse, and has a fondness for using caviar as a topping for ballpark franks, which he is known to voraciously devour several of per day, without ever gaining any weight.

The Pants

Rumored to be magical or something, the ridiculously large parachute pants are the secret source of power for the guy who always conveniently has anything needed stored in his ridiculously large 80s parachute pants. They are secret, despite the fact that he can quite visibly be seen using this resource very liberally on an incredibly frequent basis, and despite the fact that everyone knows about them and their power. The guy who always conveniently has anything needed stored in his ridiculously large 80s parachute pants can pull anything from these gargantuan trousers at any moment's notice, no matter what the situation, the need, or the situational need. He has been known to pull out things as large as entire automobiles, as small as genetic test samples, or as obscure as records from the 1947 Horse-Throwing Competition, all at the drop of a hat, and sometimes even at the drop of his pants.

However, there are of course limits to the powers of the ridiculously large parachute pants. Notably, they have a strange propensity for becoming nonfunctional whenever the users hands and arms are tied up with rope, as well as at any time when they are not actually being worn by anyone. The guy who always conveniently has anything needed stored in his ridiculously large 80s parachute pants, has however been known to find ways around the latter of these drawbacks, by stretching out his ridiculously long black arms as far as possibly needed, reaching into the pants that are hanging in any sort of closet, wardrobe, etc., and snapping his arms back anywhere up to millions of miles, holding in hand the solution to whatever problem may be on the clock at the particular time.

The Legacy

The guy who always conveniently has anything needed stored in his ridiculously large 80s parachute pants has solved more obscure teenage mysteries than Dick Tracy, Scooby Doo, Speed Buggy and Jabberjaw combined. He manages to do this while being twice as clueless as a deer caught in headlights, and ten times as awesome as James Spader when he got to make a whole movie about spanking Maggie Gyllenhaal. Did you see that movie? Secretary? Imagine that, times ten. Yeah.

Haven't seen Secretary? No problem. The guy who always conveniently has anything needed stored in his ridiculously large 80s parachute pants has a copy on HD-DVD, right inside his ridiculously large 80s parachute pants. Don't have a television set? Check that space between his sock and the bottom of the pantleg of his ridiculously large parachute pants. Don't have a DVD player? Check inside his athletic cup. Find that disgusting and awkward? So does he. He just happens to have a pair of those claw things people use to pick up trash when they have community service, inside his ridiculously large parachute pants, and you can use those to rifle around near his genitals for your damn DVD player. You sick bastard.

But don't worry. You may be a sick, sick, twisted person, but the guy who always conveniently has anything needed stored in his ridiculously large 80s parachute pants has a fully licensed psychiatrist inside his ridiculously large parachute pants. Need medication that the psychiatrist prescribed you? The guy who always conveniently has anything needed stored in his ridiculously large 80s parachute pants isn't actually authorized to prescribe medications, and so he does not have it in his ridiculously large parachute pants. However, the psychiatrist inside his ridiculously large parachute pants is licensed to prescribe medications, and he has your prescription inside his ridiculously large, pleated parachute pants. There's just nothing the guy who always conveniently has anything needed stored in his ridiculously large 80s parachute pants can't do!

Now go buy Globetrotters tickets!

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