The Zombie Survival Group
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The Zombie Survival Group (ZSG) are highly trained civilians that have:
A successful Zombie Survival Group consists of at least 4 members of the following mix; 1 White guy (nerd/wimp), 1 White girl (non-lesbian), 1 Black guy (usually dies), and 1 Asian and/or Mexican (if Asian, may be used as substitute for white nerd). Usually by the time you get to where you're going, the white girl and white guy will fall in love, the black guy will die defending the group, and the Asian will save everyone with some kind of mechanical device (but will later be killed by random zombie), and if you chose to have a Mexican, he may betray you, or may bring some of his homies with guns to help you (also dies). You may also have up to, but no more than, one pet dog. At some point during your travels the dog may leave you for a time, don't worry though, he's just having his own zombie adventure and shall emerge unscathed at some point, likely carrying a much-needed key. If you end up having more than 6 members counting the pet, it is highly recommended to push the excess off a cliff, or form a cult. Warning; by forming a cult you are subject to being discovered by a typical zombie swarm and routinely eaten, often by the newly-turned followers of your cult.
- The Leader (AKA; You): Generally good looking and makes all decisions. Usually gets close to leading lady. May or may not make it out alive and if he doesn't he usually dies nobly for the greater good of the group. This is usually accompanied by a sad violin score in the background. We can however assume that this music would attract more zombies to the poor hero, so promptly execute any violin players in the neighborhood, this should be a routine operation carried out every fortnight.
- Leading Lady (AKA; You, if applicable): Good looking, usually a capable fighter when she needs to be. She spends most of the zombie attack looking afraid, screaming and flirting with the leader. She will usually go off on her own at least once and get attacked and/or kidnapped only to be saved in the nick of time by the efforts and clever plans of the Leader. (Note: This is usually a clever scheme put together by the Leader in order to advance the chances of survival after the Outbreak is over, specifically the re-population of humanity.)
- Tough Guy (AKA; Me): Usually an ex soldier/freedom fighterand has facial hair and wears a bandana and is usually bald or has little bit of hair and a camo vest and wears ripped shorts, and who is very capable with multiple firearms and blunt weapons. Usually teaches the group basic survival techniques during early stage of zombie outbreak and more than often gets the first kill of the venture (though it is not unknown for the Leader to beat him to the punch on occasions). He may not have any respect for the Leader at the start of the outbreak, possibly even trying to be Leader himself, but if this is the case the Leader will simply save his ass at a vital point and earn his respect and deference. He will more than likely die in Middle to Late stages of the zombie attack usually against wave after wave of zombies (with a Minigun or other automatic weapons) so that the rest of the group can escape the sewers/ shopping mall/ anywhere there's a lot of zombies (see Outbreak Causes and Zombie Cloud Hotspots). He may or may not come back later as a zombie, it is therefore usually a wise move to crush his already horribly mangled corpse with your Maul, thus destroying any chance of this event occurring.
- Computer Wiz: Intelligent yet weedy individual whose miserable kill level will be only beaten by that of the leading lady. He's usually unarmed out of principal though may carry a pistol or blunt object for defense (such a laptop, old mobile phone or Tactical Nuke Launcher). He will usually leave the group as soon as a secret government supercomputer is found so he can direct the rest of the team to various locations in order to help their escape. He is usually killed by zombies bursting into where he's working and is common for him to scream down the microphone to the rest of his group to save him, this is not recommended as it can lead to death of the Leader and Leading Lady, which would severely cut back the chances of repopulating humanity.
- Grunt: A ZSG sometimes will make use of Grunts; they are generally freedom fighters or soldiers. Their only real use is to act as meat shields for the rest of the group, before becoming zombies themselves. They usually carry wildly inaccurate assault rifles and a plethora of grenades. They can occasionally have a good idea or two, but it is important not to listen to them too closely, because they're going to die soon anyway... It is recommended that they are limited to five, as they will all die during the early stages of the Outbreak and rise again as slightly smarter-than-normal zombies. If you manage to kill a Grunt, the weapon they carry is guaranteed to be jammed and be of no use to you, as shown by the Zombie Outbreak simulator System Shock 2.
- Black guy who dies: Pretty self-explanatory. MUST be black and a male. Usually dies toward the climax. Mediocre fighting skills but excels at playing basketball. Usually the first one through the door into the creepy room when exploring. In very rare cases, the black guy survives the zombie outbreak. This is either cause for celebration or for shooting the black guy in the head.
- The naive but lovable hottie: Will need to be rescued in the second reel. Several expendable group members will die rescuing her but nobody yells at the hottie for the deaths. Because she jumps up and down a lot.
- The Crazy Lady: This character is the one trying to convince everyone that they are all doomed, and she will probably be sacrificed in the end at the last depressing/screaming filled point of loss and where it is obvious the military isn't coming and the whole world will be taken over.
- The "Essential Information" Wise Old Man: Basically an explanation to a plot, may be a scientist or religious man who saw the first zombies being created and how they could be killed, no matter what circumstance always old and nearly always bearded. Often takes a similar stance to The Crazy Lady but as well as claiming they are doomed will always tell The Leader exactly how they could survive. Nearly always dies very early on making The Leader lead.
- The rest: Identifiable by being interesting, unique and clever. Doomed. Ignore them, except if one of them is a hot blonde; then you will see her breasts before her inevitable death.
- The Sacraficerer at the end This guy is the one that when is one all hope is lost he will get scratches and deep cuts on him and usually carries to C-4s or cooking grenades and when the zombies surroud him he detonates and wipes out half of them for the rest of the team to escapeto a helicopter/plane/boat at his death the Ladies will cry and the men at the sky after his demise(hey that rhymes:)).
How To Recruit
It is fairly simple to recruit a ZSG, simply approach appropriate members and bind them to you using satanic blood rituals and human sacrifice (Note: this usually leads to a Zombie Outbreak) or your natural charisma and leadership skills, which you can purchase for a small fee off eBay.
People that are Actually useful
Ignoring the above list, these are people that you will NEED in a zombie outbreak. If you can find the people, USE THEM!!!!!
- Brittany Spears: She can relate to the zombies, they're both ugly and have a hunger for human flesh. She can be used as a sacrifice to satisfy any crazy religion nuts.
- Rednecks: They often have shotguns, and are really pissed at the zombies, so they will fight well, just do not listen to any of there ideas, listen to Jeff Foxworthy and you will know what I mean.
- Master Chief: This guy will kick their ass as he has already killed a billion of them. his ability to teabag dead things is a let down as he will probably be bitten and then kick your ass. plus his ability to use any weapon he can get his hands on and still pwn everyone means you can give him the worst gun and he will still be useful.
- Black Gangsters: Good in a fight, and are great at "finding" supplies, just do not say "You people" around them or claim that they are mediocre fighters but excel at basketball.
- Horny teenage girls: Hey, you will need to repopulate the world, why not use people more willing and fertile?.
- Scientist: He will hopefully discover a cure to the zombie plague. If not, he can be a good meat shield. he can be found in a bookstore, hiding from NASTY Carlito.
- Fat people: Those people are excellent for finding food. One downside may be turning into a "Fat Zombie".
- Old people: They look old enough to look dead, so they're useful for infiltrating the zombie legion and setting up bombs. Just be sure that they can still totally remember what to do. Or can move.
- Yoda: A much better version of the old person. Just keep him away from the leading lady.
- The A Team: All would be useful in combat situations and planning. The Face would aid repopulation effort.
- Paddy Smith: Although he may be funny, Paddy can also kill large amounts of anything with his flame breath, lazer eyes, and turbo charged pussy cats with bazookas.
- Chuck Norris: For obvious reasons, but it's much easier recruit Tony Jaa.
- Admiral Ackbar: He knows when it's a trap
- Father Grigori: He gives good advice (In Ravenholm, you do best to be vigilant) and will save your life, although creep you out. He will also give you a shotgun if you don't have one already.
- Infested Terrans: Hopefully, you were the one who infested them. If so, these already-undead but very-controllable suicidal maniacs will quite helpfully run into the Zombie Cloud, which will think these are just more undead anyway, then explode and vaporize many of the zombies.
- Sephiroth: Normally looked down upon, but sometimes useful due to his ability to use a sword properly, which normal humans cannot. Also able to make giant objects descending from the heavens kill the zombies for you, even if it destroys most of the planet, too. This is one of the few instances where Tyber Zann is not preferable, as there will not likely be many people left to corrupt. However, keep him away from the Leading Lady, as it will tempt him to impale said Leading Lady.
- Children: Ideally a little girl. They are quite a burden, but for whatever reasons children seem to be ward against unlucky event. Just make sure you protect them at reasonable level (no heroic sacrifice, just try your best to not abandon them). Surely, that mean you shouldn't think twice about shot at bitten child. At worst, hugging the child while surround by zombies mean painless and off-screen death. The problem is, kids are hard to come by during Zombie Outbreak.
- Bill, Francis, Louis, and Zoey: For some reasons some of you should know, these assholes from left 4 Dead are very experienced zombie killers (depending on the person controlling them) and if you give them a granola they are yours.
- The Fury. He's got a flamethrower big enough for you to sleep inside, and a jetpack to boot! Why not, considering that if the zombies somehow do get him, that fuel tank is an easy enough target for you?
- Ash Williams: Protagonist of the Evil Dead series. Weilds a sawed-off double barrel shotgun in one hand and a chainsaw where the other hand should be. Nuff said.
- Cthulhu: Put it this way. It's a giant friggin' sea monster that flys. What else would you possibly need?
- Optimus Prime: He's basically God...if God could turn into a fucking truck.
- Pyramid Head: He has big sword and super strength. There are two problems, though. It is hard to convince him to join your group and he will rape every female zombie on sight which can be boring after twelve time or so - yet you can't stop him.
- Big Daddy: Not Delta from the second game, the ones with insanely powerful armor and a DRILL as a weapon. He can call several different Little Sisters to use magic, i mean Adam to destroy the zombie hordes. However, if the zombies do get him, then you are screwed because only a few chosen people can kill a Big Daddy. Unless you have magic missiles, then go for it.
- Solid Snake: He can carry a ridiculous amount of ammo, guns and rocket launchers as if they were feathers. A downside is that CODEC interuptions will probably mean he will die in the earlier stages of the outbreak. He ages really fast, so he is great for short term protection. He also knows a lot about nukes, very usefull when you get sick of the outbreak and want to blow shit up.
- Kratos: Because of his ability to chain-combo enemies endlessly and somehow switch weapons whilst fighting zombies, you should at least try to recruit him onto your team. However, being an extremely pissed former demigod/god, it is hard to do so, and if you get the chance to make him your team member, be sure to keep your female members away from him.
- Crazy, over-religious people: Unless said person is Father Grigori, he/she will say this is the end of the world, its god's work, we must die, and will turn a good deal of the people against you. (This person is usually a lady, (such as the drug addict Claudia Wolfe who lives in the strip club Silent Hill) and as you can see, we have a report at the characters section)
- "Military People": They know jack shit about fighting Zombies, will force you to move from your hiding place, and to a "safe location" (already overrun by zombies). May call a A-Bomb to be dropped by your position to stop the zombie plague.
- Ms.Aldridge stay away from her should oul eat all the food and eat all the zombies and eat all and eat your teamates and eat youtrust me i seen her coming out with a box of Dominos pizza,trinkies,oreos,Mcdonalds,KFC,,and little kids.(its bold because its important STAY AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
- Anyone bitten: They will turn into a zombie.
- Your Parents: They'll keep telling you to tuck your shirt in when you're in the middle of a battle. And they'll show pictures of you in your birthday suit playing with barbie dolls, it'll be high school all over again.
- Anyone with a dog, cat, carrier pigeon, rhesus monkey, baby or any other variety of pet. They will fuck you, and the rest of the group over to try and save whatever filthy animal they're hanging out with.
- Cops and/or any other law enforcement. They are always are screwed, under any circumstance. You gotta take the big gun you have, screw 'em over, and take their ammo and pistol. that is all you need to know about them. and if they start shooting. just leave them to the zombies
- Anyone who knows how to handle a gun. For reasons no one can explain, children, young adults, and pacifists (among others) who have no real understanding of how a gun works will be able to use guns more effectively then the people who have jobs all about proper use of guns.
- Your retarded friends. Why? well they will be texting you in the middle of a battle and they will be calling you (alerting shitloads of zombies which leaves you fucked) and saying "Where were you?". So if you see them, kill them or use them as bait (don't feel guilty, they probably though of it as well those asses.)
- The Protoss: They tend to respond to any xenomorph outbreak (be it Zombie, Zerg or even Fiend) by wiping out all life on the planet surface. That includes you, dumbass.plus if the above by some miracle does not happen they will drive you insane about the constant need for "aditional pylons"
- The Patriots: They're undead. Therefore they will side with the Zombies. Unfortunately, avoiding them will not prevent them from knowing absolutely everything about you, or sending Metal Gear ZOMBIE after you.
- The Government: All they will do is try to evacuate everyone, but some dumbass forgets he got bitten and the government will be cheap by nuking the area.