The X Factor
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“I Quit!”
~ Louis Walsh on The X Factor (Series 2, 3, 4 and 5)
“The what factor?!”
~ Oscar Wilde on The X Factor
“Who?”
~ Alexandra Burke on Diana Vickers
| Typical Audition (file info) |
| A typical X Factor audition. |
The X Factor (also known as Simon Cowell's House Payment) is an ingenious 4 month advertising campaign disguised as an addictive Reality TV talent competition. The idea was stolen from the creator of Pop Idol devised by evil genius, Simon Cowell, to make himself even richer, so that he can afford yet another luxurious house, screw even younger models, and not necessarily the female ones, and pay for his hourly teeth whitening costs.
[edit] The Scheme
The idea of the x factor is to for 3 judges and viewers at home to secure a semi-talented member of the public a christmas hit so that they in turn can secure a place in hell. The contestants are judged by their heart conditions, recently deceased relatives, ability to be under 15 and in extreme cases, talent. Contestants vary from boring, slightly more interesting, obviously wants to win more than anything, obviously doesn't want anything more than to win, and those who turn up repeatedly to seduce simon cowell
note: the latter category consists mainly of louis walsh.
In order to maximise the exposure of the singers, and therefore sell as many copies of the winners single as possible, the show producers often make up controversial stories as publicity stunts. Examples include the group that lied about not having a record deal, the 15 year old girl who was disqualified after videos of her fucking another girl were uploaded to YouTube and the transexual child molester who killed his entire family and lost his virginity to a goat.
[edit] Judges
Simon Cowell - Rich, arrogant, soulless, vain asshole whose only redeeming feature is his honesty, which is considered nastiness by all of the delusional, talentless whiners.
Sharon Osbourne - The fucking wife of Ozzy fucking Osbourne. "Left" after series 4 because she was too old. Once threw hydrochloric acid over Louis Walsh, an act which won the show a British Comedy Award.
Louis "Leprechaun" Walsh - Manager of Westlife. Need I say more? After the scandal over him being sacked, he was made the Master of the Universe and he keeps Simon Cowell as his personal slave. He also decides who wins. In a scandalous turnabout, he was withdrawn from the Eighteenth season of the show, on the grounds of being 'indefinitely decapitated'. It is unknown if Louis will recover.
Danni Minogue - In an effort to compete with the ratings of rival BBC show "Strictly Come Dancing", the show producers decided they needed to appeal more to the horny male and gay demographics by adding a younger, sexier judge with a gay fanbase. Simon Cowell spent the entire fourth series flirting with her and "helping her cope with the stress". She only judges a few auditions in series five. The rest of the time, she's under the table giving oral to Simon.
Cheryl Cole - Vegetarian Girls Aloud singer who replaced Sharon. Brought in solely for eye candy. She has been constantly been described as 'affable' and was deemed 'one who'd be a good MILF'. Makes Danni look like Louis. Which makes Louis look like Simon. Which makes Simon happy.
Brian Friedman - "Who?" ... Briefly replaced Louis in Series 4 after he was "sacked", another one of the shows many publicity stunts.
[edit] Notable Contestants
Leon McJackson - A Karate master from Scotland. Has no talent whatsoever and only won because of his good looks and Scottish accent. Rumoured to be playing the eleventh incarnation of the Doctor.
Leona Lewis - A potential rape victim who talks really quietly as well as if shes fucking stupid.. .. The only contestant to actually have a somewhat successful career. Simon Cowell has tried (and failed) to seduce her over two hundred times.
Shayne Ward - Eunuch shoesalesman from Manchester. Has a vocal range that makes Matt Bellamy look like Barry White. Actually released an original song for his winners single but seems to have disappeared off the face of the Earth since then.
Rhydian "Admiral Peroxide" Roberts - Blatantly gay rugby player with bleached hair. Performed a song by the Village People while in full navy uniform aswell as several songs from musicals. Got all the way to the final before coming out of the closet and revealing that he was in fact Welsh. Not suprisingly, it went all downhill from there.
Same Difference - Incestual siblings on LSD. Sung aload of cheesy love songs to eachother. The less effeminate one (the sister) cried in the semi-final before being "cheered up" by her "best friend".
MC Chico - Moroccan entertainer who sings, and enjoys stripping himself and goats; sometimes all at the same time. Wrote his own signature song "It's Chico Time" which knocked Madonna off the top of the charts. Living proof that Simon Cowell could turn even the most tone deaf of individuals into superstars if he wanted to, which is too bad really given that some heritage is considered to be far too fantastic to ever modulate into such garbastuous mylohee.
Eegonhano Kwigg - Let's just say 'Owen Quig', for fuck's sake? A potential winner! Unfortunately, he looks like a mop, and nobody can spell his name. D: EOGHAN
Diana Vickers - A former Lenny Henry impersonator, turned lesbian singer who often imitates a screaming cat. But she is still beautiful
Alexandra Burke - Winner of 2008 contest who tries to impersonate Leona Lewis in order to win over Simon into bed.
JLS - Were managed by Louis for the contest, and as a result are now all homosexual. Really a shame- One of them was alright looking, but the rest of them had faces only a mother could love....
