The Warriors

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Jump to: navigation, search

Promotional Poster to, "The Warriors". Making reference to the apocalypse at the time.

The Warriors is a cult classic movie, based on the novel by Michael Strip, about a group of Amish gang members who must travel to reach Corney Island, in order to find the Southern mango, so that they can learn where the boundaries of New York are and find a human child who can give Citrus, a dying gang leader, a new name.

However, a mysterious entity known only as the great nothing is trying to get them made and the group must encounter several obstacles along their adventure.

edit Plot


The Warriors pass the local Orphanage to adopt some gang members, including a young LMFAO member.

The film is set in 1979, and the Warriors are a fearsome street gang with slightly over 9 members (there are about 18 in total, and 9 appear in the film). Crayon, the leader, tells them through rap that they are invited to a massive meeting of over a thousand gang members. To everyone's astonishment, violence broke out amongst these one thousand rival gangs, and after Cyrus was shot dead, a gang leader called Luther blamed it on Crayon. With Crayon killed by martial arts, the Warriors must go through badarse montages of the gang walking through fog, and reach a warehouse in southern New York City. (In the 70s, skyscrapers hadn't been invented here and so New York looks different).

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about The Warriors.

Along the way, the 7 gang members (there are eight, but Remberandt doesn't fight, he just watches the rest) fight their way across several gang turfs and halfway through the film forget why they're being hunted and learn for the second time that they were framed. Ajax gets arrested and Fox changes into another actor moments before being thrown before an oncoming train. The crew walk home in slow motion in a classic '70s happy ending.

edit Characters

The Warriors

  • Crayon: Crayon is the leader of the Warriors. He's tough and smart, but some bullies throw him in a dumpster at the beginning of the movie. The other Warriors escape the bullies by hiding in a toy store.
  • Swoon: the hero of the tale, (getting his name from the fcat that women swoon over him) Swoon is an adventurer from a tribe of fighters. His superpowers include super strength and knife-throw-into-your-wrist-ing ability.
  • Banjax: Banjax, being the alpha male of the group, is known to interrupt conversations and activities by holding out his large throbbing man-rection and flaying it about getting them into trouble. It has also gotten them out of certain trouble. His superpowers include super-cursing and the ability to quickly get hand-cuffed to a park bench.
  • Cochise: well, I've been watching while you’ve been coughing. I’ve been drinking life while you’ve been nauseous. So I drink to health while you kill yourself. And I’ve got just one thing that I can offer. Go on and save yourself and take it out on me. Go on and save yourself and take it out on me, yeah.
  • Riff Raff: known as the artist of the gang, and is also the artist formerly known as the Puerto Rican version of almost-forgotten 1970s singer Leo Sayer. Riff Raff is the prepubescant Warrior whose general concern is whether or not his mother is going to kill him for staying up too late. Superpowers include, wetting-the-bed.
  • Shermin: Shermin is considered the second least sexy out of the group (the least is unknown) as he has no charisma, charm or sex appeal. However, he is able to make fire just by thinking about it. Super powers include fire-making.
  • Pirate: Pirate joined up with the gang when they visited the New York coast. He believes that he lives in the 1400s and always wears a pirate hat. His super powers include a fascination with bacon, and repeatedly tells people to "Come on, bacon!"
  • Coke: the gang's drug dealer, he provides them all with "flash". Near the end of the film he suffers a cocaine-related heart attack and gives away the gang's hiding spot while hiding from the MC Moo-Cows.

Other Characters

  • Cyrus: played by the currently famous wrestler and then emerging actor The Rock (cast at the time to promote his career), Cyrus is known for his famous catch phrase, "Can you dig what Cyrus is cooking?".
  • Merci Beaucoup: a female character, played by a young Bea Arthur who tags along with The Warriors during their travels and who is invisible to all the members except Swoon. Superpowers include inexplicable jacket and large hands.
  • Bastian: a little boy with a great imagination who is reading the story of The Warriors' travels from a book. However, young Bastian is slowly finding out that it is more than just a story.

edit Film Trivia

  • Due to his disappointment of the adaptation of his novel, Michael Strip asked not to be credited and that he be paid twice as much. Instead, he got a credit that filled the entire screen and showed for the full two hours of the film. He also had his pay cut in half causing him only to receive 50 cents for the rights.
  • A week before the first day of shooting, Sol Yurick (Swoon) was involved in a car crash and broke his left leg in three places, his right leg in five places, fractured all his toes, suffered a massive concussion causing problems in his equilibrium, lost three fingers, developed paranoia and cracked five ribs. Because of this incident it was written into the script that his character "walked a little funny".
  • Due to its low budget, the film had to be shot entirely in the director's back garden. Fortunately, his back garden turned out to be New York.

edit The Cartoon Series


Promotional Image from Cartoon Series, "The Adventures of The Warriors"

As a tie in with the movie, a cartoon series called "The Adventures of The Warriors" was aired by Nickelodeon for two seasons. The cartoon included the voices of some of the original actors and was a lighter version in which The Warriors were a group of five who solved crimes by breakdancing. At the end of every episode Swoon would dispense some sage advice.

edit Where are they now?

  • Sol Yurick (Swoon): after The Warriors, Sol continued his acting career playing smaller parts in TV shows after which he moved on to become an author. Unfortunately, because his book is a retelling of the greek Anabasis, Yurick was sued for plagiarism by Zeus himself.
  • Terry S. Chocolate-Orange (Shermin): gave up acting to become the host of the quiz show, Who Wants To Be A Millionaire. While working there, he slowly became Chris Tarrant.
  • David Harris (Cochise): due to a case of serious method acting, David Harris still believes he is in the story of the film. No one has had the heart to tell him the truth. To this day he can be found walking through the streets of New York muttering parts of the dialogue from the film to himself.
  • Kelly Patrick David Patrick Kelly (Loser): ever since the Warriors, he has continuously played lamer and lamer characters. Second, Arnie promised to kill him last but he lied.
Personal tools
In other languages