The Val Kilmer Association of America
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The Val Kilmer Association of America is a quickly growing Worker's Union and Cult located in rural Communist China. While it's numbers are small - at last count, the membership numbered at 7 - it has quickly generated a vast amount of popularity from a blitzkrieg/viral marketing campaign started by it's founders Adolf Hitler and John Lennon.
The "What is Valboard?" Campaign began in late 2007, and has already encompassed countless Internet message boards and communities. Including comicsrus.net, whereswaldo.com, and finally, jewlandusa.edu.
What is Valboard?
What is Valboard? Oh, we can't tell you that. But we will anyway. Valboard is a small territory in Sumatra that has little to do with the Val Kilmer Association of America. But more importantly, it's also a message board run and maintained by the Association as a general meeting place for it's members across the country. The message board is said to be frequented by big name celebrities such as Christopher Walken, Brad Pitt, and John Candy.
Why is Valboard?
Why Valboard - or even the Val Kilmer Association of America as a whole - exists has proven to be a mystery that has baffled the world's top scientists of this century and the last. Believed to originally be a clandestine organization of pig farmers, Valboard and it's Association has at times supported and praised Val Kilmer, and at other times, not. This love/hate relationship between the two is believed to have begun when a drunken Kilmer cheated on the Association with Courtney Love during the 1996 World Series in Houston.
Leaders of Valboard
- Lex Luthor: While attending graduate school at the age of 19, Lex Luthor caught a janitor masturbating in a public shower. That janitor was The Val Kilmer Association of America. While this happening did not ally Luthor with the Association, it did creep him out enough to give the Associationed fained reverence whenever they bumped into each other at parties. Years later, after the Association promised not to hit on Amanda Waller anymore, Luthor issued the Association the legendary "2 kool 4 skool" proclaimation while President of the United States. Unfortunately, the bill was vetoed by the senate after Senator Trent Lott dared to claim that Lex Luthor was not in fact a real person.
- Ka Kahn: Ka Kahn is a mysterious Arab enthusiast who apparently is Chinese in decent, but Brazilian in sensibilities. After losing most of his third arm in a bloody battle with a vending machine, Ka Kahn released a torrent of bottled up anger on Buffalos as a species. If not for John F. Kennedy's intervention in early 1961, the Buffalo would now be totally extinct due to Ka Kahn's rage. Soon after this, Ka Kahn was offered a lucrative deal producing and recording Beastie Boys albums in his basement. From this experiment came the award winning video game, Mortal Kombat III. After finding Valboard while searching for the address of his Danish arch rival, Ka Kahn quickly went to work converting the community to his brand of Chinese-Arab fundamentalism. Currently, he resides on the top of Lex Luthor's head, wisely disgused as a liverspot.
- Vince Mangold: Not much is known about the mystery man known as Vince Mangold, except for the fact that he probably has nothing to do with The Val Kilmer Association of America. Rather, The Association may have singled Mangold out at random to be their idiot savant during their perilous struggle with obesity during the 1984 Olympics. Or they just have a thing for men with great pecs. Either way, Mangold has been a pillar of the Val Kilmer Association of America since early yesterday morning.
Valboard has long associated itself with a bevy of varied and legendary figures known worldwide. They include:
- The Badass Hippo: Known for his great poise and physical strength in his defense of the nation of Islam during the War of 1812.
- The Lesbian Pirate: (Also known as Possibly Portia De Rossi):
- Edd: Without question the most mythic of all of the Valboard Mascots, The Eddicus Immaculatus, commonly referred to as "Edd", has been in existence since the dawn of time - as recounted by Ron Glass - when a civilization of large Italian men on a foreign planet attempted to create a being in their own image. The experiment proved to be a failure when the gargantuan Edd recked havoc on the planet when one of the Italians made the mistake of asking Edd if he'd like a slice of pizza. "Is that a fat joke?" was Edd's last words before killing most of the planet's 39 billion inhabitants. Chained to an asteroid and jettisoned to Earth, Edd arrived in time to discover India, help invent the phonograph, and drive OJ's white Ford Bronco in his fabled low-speed chase in 1996. Currently Edd resides in Southern Philadelphia with his friend Kyle, and kidnapped celebrities Nick Stahl and Scott Speedman.
The Spokesmen of Valboard
For many years the founders of Valboard have hired some of the best and brightest stars in Hollywood to endorse and represent the Association to the world at large. Currently, it's spokesmen include Telly Savalas, Willem Dafoe, Val Kilmer, and Burt Lancaster.
The Valboard Marketing Campaign
The Valboard Marketing Campaign was an expressionist movement in the early 1970s founded and run exclusively by Andy Warhol. While it was one of his more unrecognized creations, he still created several thousand banners and mini-posters designed to promote the Val Kilmer Association of America throughout the internet community. When asked what the internet was, Warhol declined to comment.
Over the years, Valboard has cumulated several thousand slogans, tag lines, jingles, limericks, and questionable comments. The best of these include:
Valboard. Hey, at least it's not myspace.
Valboard. Circle jerk forum available upon request.
Valboard. When this baby hits 88 mph, you're gonna see some serious shit.
Valboard. Joe Rogan exposed us.
Valboard. Created by Mike Mignola.
Valboard. This is all probably illegal.
Valboard. As read by Christopher Walken
Valboard. If your erection lasts longer than eight hours, post here and tell us all about it.
Valboard in Popular Culture
- Valboard has been an ever present entity of pop culture for the past half century. Some of these are as follows:
- Valboard is said to be the basis of the song "Yellow Submarine" by The Beatles
- Valboard is rumored to have ghost written the song "You're So Vain" by Carly Simon
- It is said Frank Sinatra was discovered by Columbia Records while saying at Valboard's private club in Sweden in 1937.
- The upcoming J.J. Abrams film codenamed "Cloverfield" is said to be largely based on Edd's return to Earth after his decade of adventures in space.
- Valboard claims to have whispered "throw it to Dwight Clark" in Joe Montana's dreams on the eve of his first superbowl win.
Setting sales records that once rivaled Star Wars' touted revenue, ValMerch includes everything from t-shirts to hats to diaphragms to quite possibly the best tasting nacho cheese dip in existence. All ValMerch items are produced and distributed by a division of zerc0, the world's top producer of everything.