The Troubles

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Political map of Ireland

The Troubles refer to the inevitable conflicts between the British and Irish governments about who has to have Northern Ireland causing a drain upon their respective countries. Thus far the Irish are winning, as they have managed to avoid being lumbered by Northern Ireland for over 80 years.

However, the dispute remains at an impasse to this day, despite the best efforts of Captain Planet (see below).

Republicans

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KISS Army in south Belfast, 1981.

The IRA, covertly supported by the British Government, wish for Britain to no longer have to pay the massive security and social welfare bill that Northern Ireland brings. They have suffered 2 setbacks recently.

The first was a failed plan to prop up British running of the province by placing £26.5 million collected from donations within the Northern Bank vaults. This went awry when the Southern Irish police foiled the plan, and managed to spin it as a robbery instead.

The second was the pointless murder of a fellow Republican and the subsequent cover-up. The "3 ugly sisters" of the murdered man successfully campaigned to alert the world, especially the United States, that terrorism existed before 9/11 and that it's not just brown people that carry it out. Unfortunately evidence has proven that the British Government have not realised this -- hence plans for ID Cards.

They were very famous during the 70's/80's for going all out during their prison terms. The young Nationalist of the time were often caught trying to murder innocents and the police decided that enough was enough and locked them up.

It was during this time that they decided that prison food was so awful, they'd refused to eat and insisted on Chinese / spuds only. This then led to the Nationalists resorting to coprophagia & chronic masturbation. Then the tone changed, after deciding not to eat food and just feces they then started refusing to wear any clothes, wiping their feces on the wall (Irish art) and sending love letters in the form of rolling paper or soiled underwear (with "skid marks" used as a form of Morse code, or as they called it "shite marks").

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Orangemen marching in Bangor on the Twelfth of July 2010

It was a truly remarkable stance against the order of the time and was filmed by the BBC and made into a documentary named "Dirty bastards: Backward evolution of normal standards." Nigel Thomas of the BBC who was part of the crew commented:

“"It was like something you would expect to find in a home for the mentally impaired, what was really remarkable was the sense of tribal pride. We caught footage of a young man named Paddy McShane who after hours of creating the Mona Lisa on the prison walls with his own shit, actually found a way to make music using his rectum and some used toilet tubes - truly remarkable." ”
~ Nigel Thomas on the "dirty bastards"

It still exists in some Nationalist communities even today but the Northern Ireland council have recently placed a ban on public defecating which some Nationalists claim is just another way for the "Brits" to take away their rights.

Notable Republicans

  • Gerry Adams
  • Martin McGuinnessExtraCold
  • Local bray county councillor John Brady,
  • Bobby "Where the fucks me dinner... and my TRUNKS??" Sands

Unionists

Ambrose bierceDFS

Sir James Craig, 1st Prime Minister of Northern Ireland who notably said, "All I boast is that we are a Protestant Parliament and Protestant State" (in response to his Southern counterpart Éamon de Valera's assertion that Ireland was a "Catholic nation").

“Gimme all your money... it's for... eh... Defending Ulster!!!”
~ Unionist Paramilitaries on paying for Christmas

The numerous Unionist groups have been successful thus far at shielding the Southern Irish government from their worst fears, that is the headache of dealing with the strife that bringing Northern Ireland into their nation would bring, they have managed this despite being able to display to the public at least the impression of being nothing more than a bunch of xenophobic, racist criminals. Their very racist, as they hate Catholics. Even though Catholicism is a religion, their still racists... um... yeah... OK that tells you!

Notable Unionists

Good Friday Agreement

At the behest of Captain Planet the two respective governments both came up with a brilliant wheeze to effectively make the whole thing someone else's problem, and allow both sides to share power. Unfortunately the Unionist demands to see Gerry Adams holidays snaps, coupled with the IRA's attempts to steal the Unionists holiday snaps brought the whole thing crashing down. Both governments feverishly hope that they will be able to sort the mess out and regain their respective places in the history books.

See also

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