The T.W.A.T. Conspiracy

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The object in question is part of a conspiracy and leaves no trace. Like a ninja boyscout.


Since the dawn of man, ever since one cave man looked at another's drawing of a mammoth and found a set of landing instructions for Aliens, humans have been obsessed with the idea of the conspiracy. From Jesus's secret life as a part time pimp to Noah's tendencies towards bestiality, We have constantly sought to uncover the unadulterated truth. Now be respectful. The following information has cost the life of many an operative in their line of duty.

edit Them Whom Are They

For nearly three thousand years now, an organization that spans the globe and, indeed, even into the depths of space, has carefully guided the course of history to suit their own diabolical ends. They refer to themselves loosely as the "Them Whom Are They", or T.W.A.T. for short. An organization formed of hundreds of loose "subgizations", T.W.A.T. has secretely steered the path of mankind. Even we, after centuries of research, cannot fully grasp what it is that they intend. We do, however think it has something to do with using all mankind's minds and souls as reagents to summon God, beat his ass, and take his job.

edit What "they" are

T.W.A.T. is the most secret, and indeed the most organized secret organization ever to exist. All other secret organizations throughout history have either been subgizations or destroyed for their impudence. Their long-term goals? Unknown. Short term goals include: finding a better alternative to eating than photosynthesis and the subjigation of all of mankind. The T.W.A.T. organization, while based on independently working smaller groups, does have a firmly enforced rank heirarchy. At the top of this chain of command is an enigma wrapped inside a mystery and put inside a state of confusion which makes up the center of a jelly-filled doughnut that has been eaten by a goat. Thrice. That leader is known, even to his most trusted seconds only as "You know the guy I'm talkin' bout" or, more commonly, "Him". Under "Him" are an unidentified number of seconds who lead the Level-2 Subgizations. Under them are thirds who lead the Level-3 Subgizations and so on for an unknown amount of levels. Each operative only knows what pertains to their particular duty and no more to protect against revealing secrets during sex or interogation. Or sexual interogation... ... ...Which would be a literal debriefing... ... ...And kinky... ... ...

edit Who "they" are

While a member of T.W.A.T. has never been successfully uncovered during their active duty, many members have been found out only after they have retired from active duty. While this may be according to their designs, it still gives us valuable insight into what goes on in the inner workings of T.W.A.T. Some known ex-members include:

Lord Il-Pallazzo, Eric Idle, The Brain, Sauron, Gary Larson, Douglas Adams, Big Edna, Michael Jackson, Havelock Ventinari, The Morgawr, Gzus (but not the other one), The real Slim Shady, Emperor Palpatine, Sharrakor, Hephalump, Elvis Presley, Zeus, Dick Van Dyke, Ms. Hannigan, Micky Mouse, Bill Gates, Mr. Stapler, The Joker, Ganondorf, Michael Palin, Vegeta, Orochimaru, Dr. Doom, Bullwinkle J. Moose, Fluffy, destroyer of worlds, Pugsly from The Adams Family, That Man, Mr. Wiffles, Catbert, Hannibal Lecter, Mephisto, Yawgmoth, Steve Jobs, The Luggage, Dogbert, John Cleese, Lord Voldemort, Fearless Leader, Trojan Man, Count Chocula, Willie Wonka, Michael Crichton, Rush Limbaugh, Graham Chapman, Cobra, Mr. Ed, Green Goblin, Kerrigor, The Pope, Hitler's little sister, Agent Orange, Aizen, Et Cetera.

While by no means a complete list, this ought to give you an idea of just how much power they command. I mean, these are just the people who USED to work for T.W.A.T.

edit What "they" have done

What follows is an incomplete list of acts that has been compiled from our limited data. Note:the following ARE in chronological order. Any evidence to the contrary is just further proof of the extend of their infiltrative powers. See? You're sceptical!

-The Watergate Breakin:Forrest Gump stood a chance of defeating T.W.A.T. operative Ming Piao in the world championship ping-pong tourney. This was deemed unacceptable and a squad was disbatched to disbatch. Gump checked into the wrong room, and was subsequently not found.

-The assassination of Archduke Ferdinand: World War I was to provide the perfect cover for an attempt at introducing time-detonating gerbils into the battlefield. Trench Warfare allowed said pyroclasmically inclined vermin to make their debut. Fortunately for civilization, most got trompled into the mud, where they would pop harmlessly.

-The bombings of Hiroshima/Nagasaki: The "bombs" were merely capsules to allow the operative known as Neo Ordinance:Roundhouse Reactive Inhibitless Serendipity", or just Chuck for short, to have a comfortable flight down before his work began.

-Sharp incline in Border Hopping: Several faux trees have been spotten on and around the U.S./Canadian and U.S./Mexican borders. While their given function is known to the public as "Cell phone towers", they actually release a psychic beacon with a subliminal message. To the north, the phrase "Come to America! The streets are paved with seal fur!" is sent out every half hour, while to the south, the message is "Come to America! The streets are PAVED!!!!!!". Verison Wireless (Subgization level 21) is the most likely culprit.

-The invention of the Everquest and WOW: Lets face it. Substances that addicting could not have been developed without extensive backing from shady sources. The exact use that was derived from this is still unknown.

-Water floridization:Efforts to corrupt our precious bodily fluids have been one of T.W.A.T.'s staple plots over the years. Floridization attempts are very similar to hieroglyphics depicting the sabotage of the Roman aquaducks.

-The DaVinci Code was written: This particular effort has been going on for some time, but has only recently come to light. Keeping other conspiracy theories the hot topic allows "them" to pass unnoticed. (They're all lies, of course. Everyone knows that conspiracies are all a bunch of bull.)

-The rise of many popular drugs: The rise and fall of casual and/or hard drugs and the rings that purvey them serves to T.W.A.T.'s end in many ways that can only be guessed at. These include but are by no means limited to: Chinese opiates, Crack Cocain, Methamphetamines, fermented brake fluid, snorted Roly-Polys, and, more recently, Kittens and the Quick.

-Pearl Harbor: The current president, Fergie Hempton, while not an operative himself but maintaining close ties with T.W.A.T., pulled out all aircraft carriers beforehand to allow T.W.A.T. agents to test several new weapons. The two main weapons that were tested are: The Bukkakke cannon(a projectile weapon that interferes with guidance systems),and the "Kraken"(a tentacled submersible anti-ship weapon). Both of these went on to be used during the war in the Pacific, and a careful study of media shows that both have had a profound effect on the psyche of the Japanese people that lasts to this day.

-Ultimate Showdown: Initiated by T.W.A.T. through third party groups, this was an excuse to try out the battle capabilities of the same operative that carried out the WWII "bombings". Results showed that, while he was defeated, it was because he had the entire rest of the contest on his ass at the same time.

-The Iraq war: T.W.A.T. deliberately removed any and all WMDs from Iraq. This served two purposes: T.W.A.T. obtained their own WMDs, and they made W. look like an ass. Again. It was later discovered that this was a waste of time, since he could take care of that himself quite nicely.

-The creation of many holidays: Valentines Day, Father's Day, Mother's Day, Arbor Day, all were created with the intent of providing a new source of revenue for a branch of T.W.A.T. called the Hellatious Annoying Lover's Marquee And Revenue Kollection.

-The Disappearance of Jimmy Hoffa: Jimmy(Level 6 operative, the highest ever discovered) was a high ranking official who challenged "Him"'s right to rule T.W.A.T. No one has made the same mistake.

-Mt. St. Helen's eruption: Here, T.W.A.T.'s crime goes much deeper than Sacagaweia (an operative, presumed to be of the 14th level) convincing Luize and Klark to name a pile of volcanic rock with an over-the-quota amount of abreviations (Geneva conventions clearly states ONE abbreviation per name). No, here, a chapter of T.W.A.T. Technomancers attempted to create the ultimate evil Pseudosaur: Barney 2.0 . After the colossal failure of the first Barney (Mt. Vesuvius, Pomeii) who happened to like children(as opposed to liking to consume children's souls), T.W.A.T.started over all the way down to the gene splicing process. Fortunately for mankind, Murphy's law came into effect, and a passing kitten was smote by god at the exact wrong moment. The resulting kitten-shaped pocket of air caused a small vacuum explosion, disrupting the chemical make-up of the Pseudosaur's molten blood via chaos theory and the whole process reverse engineered itself into a quiet burst of antimatter that set of the volcano.

-Area 51 Coverup: T.W.A.T. operatives have even been found among aliens. The Area was a secret meeting spot between the Quazi Neophyte Arachnids(Level 14 Subgization) and the Moonenites(Level 13 Subgization; Amish, based on moon) until one landing craft's cloaking device blew a fuse and was spotted. The United States Government(Level 9 Subgization) issued a coverup saying that the craft was really just a pie plate. Well it was a pie plate! An Alien pie plate.

-San Francisco earthquake: Another group of T.W.A.T. White-Supremist Fascist/Nazi/Communists asked a favor of some mole-men to help them finally solve what they described as "a bad case of the Gays". The mole men refused to help so the T.W.A.T.s commandeered a Molmobile F250 Ford with optional drill bit attached and converted it into the legendary Twatmobile. The subterranean vehicle was started at too shallow a depth, and created fissures and much shaking on the surface. After getting the vehicle to breach the surface, the bunch of T.W.A.T.s were bemused to find their job already finished. It didn't stick, though.

-The Revelations of Saint John the Devine: John(Level 54 operative) was once complimented on a that Pie he made for a semi-anual T.W.A.T. get together. When asked for the recipe, he stated that he would "Get right on that". Later, after dropping out, he needed a means of getting the recipe to his friend so he encoded the recipe in a book and took it to the nearest Bible publisher.

-American Revolution: As the British Empire continued its expansion, T.W.A.T. found the need to cut into the growth a bit to keep it from growing out of hand. A little bit of subtle manipulation and some squads of ninjas soon had everything set in motion. Soon, they were faced with an even bigger problem/empire.

-The Battle of Thermopylae: It was actually 50 T.W.A.T. operatives, against 300 Spartans, but to be fair, it still was a hell of a fight. However, not even that spiffy green armor can stand up for long against a full compliment of Trojan Judas Hairnet Battle Trees.

-The Crucifiction of Jesus: The Judean People's Front (Level 24 Subgization) felt that anyone who could and would turn water into wine was one hell of a savior. Anyone who qualifies as "One Hell of a Savior" would either have to join or die. They did not realise that killing him could only make him stronger.

-Noah's Flood: While the flood did occur, and while Noah (ID:NOAH: Dual membership:Greenpeace, PETA) did build an Ark to save all of the animals of the world, the damn hippie, the flood itself was engineered to test a doomsday device. "God's Urinal" was a machine that alters atmospheric pressure to create huge storms. The resulting flood wiped out the fascility as well as all reaserch notes and technicians. The possibility that Hurricane "Katrina" was the reactivation test of a new "Urinal" is undergoing much scrutiny.

edit Information

-The Chroniclers (us) first became aware of T.W.A.T. during the great Pimp-Ho wars of 1439, when their favor caused the Pimps to win such a decisive victory as to establish dominance over the Hos for centuries to come.

-T.W.A.T.'s first ex operative to be uncovered was Donny Higgins (Level 93 operative), Christopher Columbus's cabin boy, trusted advisor, and... well... it gets lonely at sea...

-An abandoned T.W.A.T. base complete with very out of date documents was found at the bottom of the ocean in 1709, providing the Chroniclers with much of what we know about T.W.A.T. today.

-T.W.A.T.s have a bad habbit of acronyming things, even if it doesn't make sense or is spelled wrong. If you see a word that you don't recognise printed on a truck or building, call your local Druid Council or Poison Control Center to report it. It could just be the local Gas and Electric company, but do you want to take that chance? Huh? do ya?

-Take the letters in T.W.A.T., add their alphabetical value (20+23+1+20) and you get 64. Devide 64 by two and you get 32. Flip the digits and you get the number 23. Coincedince?

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